What is Strength?

The past few days many people have told me (or told Josh who told me) that I am strong or that they admire my strong faith. I don't feel that my faith or I are very strong.

Sometimes I feel like a crumbling wall. The only reason I haven't completely toppled is because God is bracing me and shoring up my pebbles. The disintegration has nothing to do with the Almighty Builder but with the cracks I wedge wider. At the same time that I am collapsing, he is restructuring. I am not the one with the strength.

Don't people always say that the survivor is strong at times like this? What would be the determining factor for an onlooker to say the person wasn't strong?

I am asking why this happened. I am crying out in my sorrow.

I hurt. There is a hole in my heart that had started scarring over but has been ripped open anew and deeper. I want my baby. I want both of my babies.

Do people think my faith is strong because I mention relying on God? I'm leaning on him because I am weak. If it wasn't for him, I'd fall completely apart, not just partially. He is the one assembling the wall faster than it's falling down. I am not helping. I am the child standing beside him whining, "Why are you doing it that way, God? I don't like how it looks. Why couldn't it just have stayed the way it was before?"

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

But it doesn't feel perfect right now, God.

4 Sisters

E and F made up this song with actions.

Hannah Meredith

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? Job 11:7

On Tuesday I had a routine prenatal appt with my midwife Liz, 18 wks into my pregnancy. Liz couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She tried to find it with the in-room u/s but couldn't, so she sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to do one. (It was the same tech who confirmed Grace's death.) The u/s's confirmed that once again, our baby had died.

Earlier that day my sister R stopped by our house to visit us on her way home from college to my parents' house. She was planning to stay for supper. After my appt she offered to stay and watch the kids as long as we needed.

Since we were heading to the hospital only a couple hours after finding out the baby had died, I didn't have time to sew a blanket as I'd done for Grace. I still wanted to wrap the baby in something from us rather than just the hospital's blanket, so I found a piece of green knit fabric (We still didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl.) which I knew wouldn't unravel and just cut a section of the fabric to take along.

Josh and I returned to the hospital that night around 7:00. I was given doses of cytotec throughout the night to induce labor. Thankfully I was able to sleep some that night, as was Josh.

Around 6:00 the next morning I was given my 4th dose of cytotec. After that the cramping and contractions picked up. I was getting pretty uncomfortable by 7:00, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me a walking epidural (intrathecal). That really helped. I could have gotten up and walked around, but I didn't want to since I was having a lot of bloody show.

Somewhere around this time, I felt something shift. When the nurse checked me, some of the bag of waters had come past my cervix, but I was still only about a 2. The baby was still up in my uterus.

Another 2-3 hours passed. The walking epidural was starting to wear off, so I asked for the anesthesiologist to come up again. This time he gave me a regular epidural.

Since Josh and I hadn't eaten a meal yet, we ordered some late breakfast around 10:30. When it got there, I tried to sit up in bed to eat, but I couldn't sit up on my own without pulling myself up with my arms grabbing onto something. I wasn't expecting it. I've had epidurals before, but maybe they just weren't as strong because I'd never had that feeling before. It really scared me, and then I felt like I was having trouble breathing. That scared me even more, and it almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

The anesthesiologist came back up and poked me with a tiny needle to see where I had feeling and assured me that the epidural was working the way it was supposed to and wasn't too high of a dose. That made me feel alot better, and I was able to relax. In fact, I could still move my left leg a bit, but my right leg was like lead. I couldn't do anything with it which actually brought a bit of levity to the situation as we laughed when the nurses wanted me to move or something, and I couldn't move that leg. I had to use my arm and move the leg, but then the leg fell right back down, so Josh and the nurses had to help me.

Liz wasn't able to be there on Wednesday, so the other mw, Jess, was. (Jess was there as the OB nurse with Liz when Grace was born.)

Around noon when Jess checked me, she decided to break my water since the bag was still there and bulging but it was hard to tell how far I was dilated, and I'd been that way for a while.

Not long after that, after only one push, Hannah Meredith was born at 12:07 pm on Wednesday, 11/26/08, exactly 5 months before her due date. There were no visible signs at her birth to indicate why she had died.

Once again, the placenta didn't want to come out. It was attached at the top of the fundus, and Jess and the nurse worked for a while to try and get it out. Finally Jess decided to get the dr on call to come and help. It happened to be Dr. D, the same dr who was on call last time and asked to do the same thing. This time, however, he seemed to do less manual manipulation and used the instruments a bit more, which, although uncomfortable, didn't seem as uncomfortable as before. Thankfully Dr. D was able to remove all the placenta and I didn't need a D&C.

I was given pitocin afterwards to help control the bleeding as well as 3 rounds of antibiotics as a precaution because of all the "work" Jess and Dr. D had to do to remove the placenta.

Hannah weighed 46 grams and was 5 1/4" long. She was smaller than Grace which makes me wonder exactly when she died. I'd thought for sure that I was feeling movement atleast up til Sunday. Was it all just in my mind? It really makes me question myself. I should know what baby movement feels like. It almost makes me feel sick that I thought I was feeling Hannah move and she might have already been dead. I can't dwell on it though and beat myself up over it.

Hannah had beautiful long fingers and a sweet little mouth that almost seemed to be smiling.

As much as it hurts to go through this a second time, we know that God is with us and will not forsake us. Although we cannot fathom his reasons in this, we trust in him, rest in the strength of his love, and cling to his promise that he works all for our good.

Revised Blog Purpose

Josh and the kids brought me home from the hospital today. I am quite sore but doing okay.

I am in the process of editing this blog to include Hannah's story as well as Grace's. Some of Hannah's posts will be interspersed with Grace's as they are arranged chronologically according to posting dates, and I'm taking some of them from our family blog. If you want to be sure to read all of Hannah's entries, you can click on Hannah in the sidebar on the right under "Post Categories".

Please note that if you choose to leave comments, they are moderated, so you do not need to post again when your comment doesn't show up immediately.

Maybe it seems odd that I am doing this so soon, but it helps me to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings and process what happened in this way. I also feel it's a way for me to show my love for my daughters by acknowledging their short lives.

Hospital Update

Got to the hospital around 7:00 last night. Was given cytotec throughout the night and thankfully was able to sleep some.

Hannah Meredith was born a little after noon today.

Through her sadness, E observed, "Atleast Hannah gets to know one of her siblings since Grace is with her."

I plan to come home tomorrow.

Deja Vu

I had my 18 wk prenatal appt w/ my mw this afternoon. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried for quite a while, then tried on the in-room u/s, then sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to check. Still no HB.

This feels like deja vu. I can't believe it's happening again. I'm numb.

Josh and I are going to the hospital tonight for me to be induced. Please keep our family in your prayers.

Thankful

I'm thankful for feeling definite baby movement lately which is helping ease my mind.

On an expecting board that I visit, one of the women just discovered at her u/s that her baby had died, and she is being induced. It brings back so many painful memories, but I'm thankful my God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and he will never leave [me], nor forsake [me]. (Joshua 1:5c)

Where's the Baby?

S says "baby" and when asked where the baby is, he will point to my tummy, although he actually usually points quite a bit high!

Anxiety

I'm just over 16 wks into this pg, and I'm having a difficult time this week. Although we didn't discover Grace had died til I was 20 wks along, it was determined that she had died around 16 1/2 wks. I'm so scared, anxious, and emotional right now.

I keep thinking about how this baby is the same size as Grace. I can picture what this baby looks like since I held Grace in my arms.

I think I've felt movement, but nothing definite yet, so I don't have that reassurance. I'm still getting by wearing my next-size-up regular clothes, not maternity clothes yet. I suppose I should be happy about that, but I never got into maternity clothes with Grace and I wasn't worried at the time because I figured I'd get big enough in time. Now I'm scared I won't get into maternity clothes again.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those at-home doppler machines so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat and be reassured, but I'd probably end up scaring myself instead when I couldn't find a heartbeat that's really there.

I wish I had another appt with Liz really soon, but I think my next one is the week of Thanksgiving.

I don't want to be on pins and needles this whole pg. I want to enjoy it, but it's so hard! Doubts and fears keep worming their way in.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Oh, God, I'm trying! Please help me!

2nd Tri Morning Sickness?

I want to know why morning sickness is bothering me more in my 2nd tri than in my 1st?!