Forever in our Hearts

Bittersweet Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T07:38:00.001-06:00

I am so thankful to God for all of the wonderful blessings he had given me. But this Thanksgiving is also bittersweet, as it is also Hannah's first birthday.

One year ago today my healing yet scarred heart was torn apart again as I learned another of our babies had died before birth. So much of the day was deja vu of what had happened just over a year earlier.

I don't want to dwell on the sadness and heartache, but I can't help remembering. And while I remember, I give thanks to the Lord that he did bless us with these two little girls who, while they were alive, I was able to cradle in my womb. I thank him that I was able to hold them in my arms, even though it was only their earthly bodies. I can no longer touch them, hold them, kiss them, but my love for them is still just as strong as if I could.

Remembering

2009-10-15T21:53:00.001-05:00

Today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I am remembering those babies who died before birth or while still infants. You are still loved and not forgotten, Grace, Hannah, Annie, Samuel, Zoe, Rain, Chloe, Caden, Abigail, Lalah, Charis, Ethan, Heidi, Gracie, Josiah, Ephraim, and other beloved nameless little ones.

Two Years

2009-10-05T16:12:00.001-05:00

Two years ago today was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life.

My midwife, the most wonderful midwife in the whole world, gave us this Precious Moment figurine in Grace's memory. Grace's name and birthdate are written on the bottom. (She gave us a matching one with Hannah's name and birthdate on the bottom, too.)

I miss you everyday, but I'm especially missing you today on your 2nd birthday, dear daughter.

Another Fall

2009-09-25T18:37:00.006-05:00

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiates 3:1 & 4

The leaves are turning. The nights are cool, perfect sleeping-weather. But I'm not ready for summer to be over yet.

My feelings aren't really about wanting warmer weather to stay. Both Grace and Hannah were born in the fall. It seems my mind is subconsiously trying to deny fall's imminence because the last two autumns have held such sadness. I know the season had nothing to do with the girls' deaths, but they are linked in my mind. I think my subconscious denial of fall is my brain's way of trying to shield me from pain, even if it doesn't make logical sense.

Grace and Hannah have been in my thoughts even more than usual the past couple of weeks. My emotions in regard to them are nearer to the surface again. I know it's because their birthdays are approaching. In a way, I just want to get past the dates so that I don't have to keep thinking that their birthdays are coming up.

I love my baby girls. I want to remember them, and I know I will never forget them, but I don't want to feel the sorrow and pain so acutely.

Rest In Peace

2009-09-13T19:59:00.002-05:00

Today we buried Hannah's ashes under the gingko tree we planted in memory of Grace and her.

There's no special reason that we did it today. Originally we had to wait til the weather warmed up in order to dig up the ground. Then it seemed we'd only remember to do it at times that didn't work. Both of our baby girls' remains are now laid to rest in the same place.

But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Isaiah 26:19

Raining

2009-04-26T14:25:00.004-05:00

Today is Hannah's due date. It's a day I'd looked forward to with such anticipation. All of our children have been born before their due dates, so, had things turned out differently, Hannah probably wouldn't have been born today either, but a due date is a due date ... a day on the calendar to look forward to with anxiety and excitement.

But today it's raining outside, in my heart, and down my cheeks.

I miss you so much, Hannah.

Praise You in the Storm

2009-04-10T08:33:00.001-05:00

by Casting Crowns

Amen.

He Is Here

2009-04-08T10:28:00.010-05:00

Isn't it providential when your heart is weighted down and you read something that speaks to it and brings you comfort? The devotion I read yesterday from The One Year Book of Hope did just that.

The devotion talked about how people try to make sense out of their suffering, but that isn't really what matters. The author quotes a friend when she says on p. 126, "I think it just comes down to this ... God is with us, and that is enough." The author also admits that "there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me. It has seemed like the cop-out answer when he wasn't doing something for me. I have wanted what he has to offer more than I have wanted him." (Second emphasis mine.) Indeed! Yet, his presence is enough, and no matter where we are, he is there! The words of Psalm 139:7-10 reiterate this truth.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

He is here with me. It is enough.

Wondering

2009-04-07T08:42:00.005-05:00

I know a number of people who are due and having babies this month and in the near future. I rejoice with these friends, yet, at the same time, this happy news hits me especially hard. Is it because Hannah's due date is so close? I keep thinking that, had things turned out differently, Hannah could have been born by this Easter.

Will I always cry when I learn of another's pregnancy? Will the tears always fall when a friend or relative is blessed with a new child? Will I always feel this painful searing when I see a friend's child who was born when my girls were due and think of how old Grace or Hannah would have been and what they might have been doing?

Will I always feel sick to my stomach when I hear of aborted babies the same gestational age as my daughters, able to picture the size and physical maturity of these little souls? I've always been horrified by abortion and known it was wrong, but now I see the faces of my baby girls when I hear of it.

Will my heart always be ripped apart when I hear news stories of abandoned, unwanted babies?

How long will it be until I can drive past the hospital where Grace and Hannah were born and not have a physical reaction to being near it? Unbidden tears, fast beating heart, difficulty breathing ...

How long, oh, Lord? Please grant me peace.

More Information on Picture

2009-02-21T20:00:00.006-06:00

Since posting about a picture of Jesus holding an unborn baby that I came across on the internet and asking if anyone knew any more about it, my friend Jenni replied in my comments with a bit more information that she'd found. Her comment gave me the idea to try a few more things in my internet search which yielded some results.

This is a complete picture of the painting:

The painting is called In His Image and is by the artist Beth Sweigard. It is actually a picture of Jesus holding an aborted baby and is meant to show Jesus' sorrow over the millions of abortions performed every year.

However, when I look at this picture, I still see Jesus holding my much-loved, much-wanted little daughters in his hand. I don't mean to minimize the horror of abortion with my words, but that baby looks so much like my little girls that I see Jesus' love for them in this painting, and it brings me comfort.

The First Due Date That Wasn't

2009-02-19T10:00:00.004-06:00

Remembering Grace on the 1 yr anniversary of her due date. Rest in peace, sweet one. I love you and always will.

Edited to add:
SS and her kids stopped by today just before lunch to bring me a card and some beautiful pink roses. I invited them to stay for lunch, which they did, before they headed back home.

Jesus and Baby

2009-02-14T01:27:00.007-06:00

I happened across this image while on the internet today. Look closely in the bottom right corner of the picture.

Words can't express the emotions this picture evokes in me.

I tried doing a search for the artist but I couldn't find any name associated with this picture. Maybe the picture is an altered version of another work of art. I really don't know, but if anyone knows who the artist is or knows anything else about this image, I'd appreciate it if you shared it with me. Thanks.

More Test Results

2009-01-31T15:59:00.004-06:00

On Thursday I finally heard back from my mw Liz. All of the blood work I had done for clotting disorders came back normal except that they discovered I carry one copy of the C677T mutation for MTHRF. However, this is not uncommon. Two copies of the mutation could lead to miscarriage and stillbirth, but the mother having only one copy of it is not associated with any increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. So it doesn't seem that any clotting disorders contributed to Grace's or Hannah's deaths.

Where do we go from here? Liz said if we wanted, the next step would be to talk to a genetic counselor. Neither Josh nor I are inclined to go that route as we both feel that from here on out, definitive answers will be elusive.

Endocrinology Test Results

2009-01-28T09:01:00.009-06:00

Yesterday I had my follow up appt with the endocrinologist, Dr. L. All of the bloodwork she did came back normal. No elevated thyroid antibodies. No high androgen or testosterone levels. Good lipid panel, HDL, LDL, glucose, and progesterone levels. No hypothyroidism. Dr. L did, however, say that, while my androgen and testosterone levels were normal, I did meet the criteria for PCOS based on other "soft markers" that I have.

We discussed treatment for my mild PCOS with metformin (glucophage) as many women with PCOS are insulin resistant or insulin sensitive and you can't really test for it without doing clinical trials because your glucose levels can still test normal for a while. Dr. L also mentioned how the ovaries are very sensitive to insulin levels. I asked her if my not being on metformin during my pgs could account for the losses, and she said usually pg losses due to PCOS occur much earlier in the pg.

We talked about 3 different scenarios regarding taking metformin:

1. If she was me and wanted to get pg again, she'd take the metformin to give the baby every chance of doing well.

2. I could take the metformin even if I wasn't planning to get pg again. It may help with some of those "soft markers" I deal with.

3. I could opt not to take the metformin if not planning to get pg again. Since the PCOS issues I deal with aren't severe, this would be okay if they don't bother me much. She suggested that if I do this, I should get my glucose levels tested once a year.

Dr. L said that taking or not taking the metformin was up to me since my PCOS and symptoms are fairly mild and that she would support me whatever I choose to do.

At one point in our discussion, I started crying. I couldn't help it. The news she was telling me wasn't bad. However, it seemed to say that we still didn't have any real answers as to why our little girls (especially Hannah) died. I just want answers. I want to know why.

On the drive to my appt I was praying, but I didn't know exactly what to pray for. It's not that I want something to be wrong with me, but if there was something like these things Dr. L tested for, it would be a probable answer. I was almost positive I'd be diagnosed with hypothyroidism since so many of the symptoms fit me, but my blood work levels discounted that. I want to have the "assurance" that if I would get pg again I could take medication or do something else that would put the odds of giving birth to a healthy, living baby overwhelmingly in my favor. Instead, I still feel that it's all an unknown and I don't have anymore "assurance" than before since it seems we still don't know what went wrong in the first place.

I'm still waiting to hear from my mw on the results of all that blood work she did testing for clotting disorders. I'm a bit surprised I haven't heard back from her yet as she's usually really good about getting back to me. I called her on Monday and left a message. I know she's out of the office today, but if I don't hear back from her by tomorrow morning, I'm going to call her again.

I have a feeling the results of the blood work she ordered will come back normal, too.

Abandoning Our Agendas

2009-01-14T12:54:00.005-06:00

Shortly after delivering Hannah, a friend loaned me the book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I'd never heard of the book before, but my friend had gotten it when dealing with some difficult things herself, and it had been recommended to her by someone she knew who had suffered 2 late pg losses.

The book is a 52 wk devotional that explores various topics in the Bible with which those suffering pain and disappointment wrestle. It is not specifically written for people who have lost someone they love, but it's certainly fitting for them. The book offers hope to those experiencing the difficult things of this earthly life without being condescending or minimizing the reality of the hurt.

I'm currently on wk 7 of the devotions. So many of the daily writings have hit home for me. It felt like the one for today was written especially for me. Not only did I have an "ah-ha moment", but it was like I was being hit over the head with a 2x4 to make certain I didn't miss it's relevancy to me.

Today's devotion was based on Matthew 10:39. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Guthrie writes on p. 52:

Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only he gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful ... The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.

Wow! Does that ever go straight to my heart and pierce it!

God, I admit to wanting things my way and getting fiercely upset when you don't let them go that way. In my heart I believe that you want what's best for me and are creating it, but sometimes I feel torn apart when things don't seem to progress in the way my puny mind deems best. Forgive me for my mortal short-sightedness and faltering faith. Help me focus on you and the cross, ever thankful for the gift of your son and always trusting in your eternal focus. Amen.

Unscheduled

2009-01-14T09:44:00.006-06:00

Today is the day I was scheduled to have my 2nd level 2 u/s. I would have been 26 wks along with Hannah. Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much hope or sadness attached to a number on the calendar. I miss you, sweet baby girl.

Whatever You're Doing

2009-01-06T08:08:00.002-06:00

This song by Sanctus Real has really become meaningful to me. I feel like it describes so much of what I've been feeling. I don't know why God allowed such sorrow to enter my life, but I can tell he's changing me through it. So many times I feel all mixed up inside, not knowing where God is leading me, how I will look when he's finished molding me, but I know I need to trust in him, surrendering all to the one who can "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)

Lyrics below video clip.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

My Medical Update

2009-01-05T15:51:00.005-06:00

I had my appt with the endocrinologist today. She ended up doing a u/s on my thyroid. It's about 1 1/2 times the size it should be. Except for a few tiny cysts, it looks good which leads her to believe that my thyroid antibodies are elevated and that's what's making my thyroid larger. Elevated thyroid antibody levels occur before your other thyroid levels rise which may be why the thyroid test I had at the beginning of this last pg came back normal. Elevated thyroid antibody levels could possibly cause m/c. She also seems to suspect PCOS (which she said can also lead to m/c) and sent me to have bloodwork done to check my hormone levels for that as well as the thyroid levels. I have to make an appt with her in a couple of weeks to talk with her about the results of the bloodwork and where to go from there, depending on the results.

On Thursday I have my 6 wk PP check-up with my mw. She told me at my 2 wk PP check-up that she'll have my bloodwork to test for clotting disorders done at this next appt, too.

So, we still don't know anything definite, but may be getting closer to some answers.

I've been reading the book of Job lately along with a commentary on it. I don't rejoice in Job's suffering, and I know he had things much worse than I do, but it's comforting to know that his suffering wasn't a punishment and that even when things go badly, God is still in control and he has a reason for those things.

Two of Us in Heaven

2008-12-25T14:43:00.010-06:00

Josh used a laser engraver and made this beautiful etching for me for Christmas.

I had to take the picture looking down at it to avoid getting a reflection in the glass. The glass is a 9x16" rectangle.

Josh used E, F, and himself as models by using a digital camera to take pics. Then he converted the pics to the "sketch" style and had the engraver etch the glass.

The writing on the top of the wood holding up the glass has the title of the piece, Two of Us in Heaven. Underneath the title it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:1

On the bottom of the wood, Josh engraved the following:

This image was created in loving memory of my two stillborn daughters, Grace Eleanor [last name] (10/5/07) and Hannah Meredith [last name] (11/26/08), for my wife, Melanie. The inspiration for this image came from my daughter E, who, shortly after Hannah's birth, told us that she thought Grace would be welcoming Hannah into Heaven, where the two of them would be waiting for us. The image is meant to depict little Hannah, timidly approaching a welcoming Jesus, while her older sister, Grace, offers her a hand, encouraging Hannah to come meet Jesus, her Savior that she has already had the chance to meet. The title of the image, "Two of Us in Heaven", comes from a short song that E made up after Hannah's birth. It is my prayer that this image offers hope, encouragement and joy (though it may be mixed with earthly sorrow) to everyone who sees it.

- Joshua [middle initial, last name] 12/24/08

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. - Job 1:21

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? - Job 11:7

I cried and cried when I opened it. It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! What a wonderful, loving husband God has blessed me with!

Finding Peace

2008-12-24T08:40:00.003-06:00

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep and my mind just kept going, not wanting to shut down, wrestling with my thoughts and feelings. In the midst of all the things swirling through my head, there emerged a sense of peace, that everything would be okay, that I would be okay. I'd known this in my head all along, but now I felt it in my heart. I know that feelings can be fickle, and my heart still hurts, but I thank God for giving me this sense of peace.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest of gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love. Psalm 107:13-15

Difficult Time

2008-12-21T19:40:00.003-06:00

I'm just having a very difficult time emotionally lately. No, I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression and have been on meds for that for years. But I hurt! The past few days my tears have been just below the surface if not breaking through.

It's Christmastime, a time we celebrate our Savior's birth. My oldest child's birthday is in 2 days. My newest niece was just born yesterday. A friend just discovered she's pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and am so thankful to God for sending his son. I'm happy for my daughter as I see how excited she is about her upcoming birthday, and I thank God for blessing us with her. I rejoice with my family members and friends over a newborn baby and the discovery of new life.

... Yet at the same time I weep.

Why, God? I prayed for Hannah before she was conceived. I prayed for her daily, many times a day, since we learned of her existence ... that she would be born healthy and alive at term. Why, God? I feel like she was stolen from me, yet I know you only loaned her to us for a short time, but did it have to be for so short of a time? What are you trying to teach me, God? And why did you have to do it in this way? Please help me to learn what you want me to know and ease my pain.

Lonely, Empty

2008-12-17T10:34:00.004-06:00

Lately I've been feeling lonely and empty. I think a good part of it has to do with the introspective thoughts I've been having, especially in regard to missing my babies and trying to figure out what the future holds for us. It's not that I feel lonely because I think no one else has experienced similar things. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's it ... that I'm alone in my head with my thoughts and feelings and am having trouble putting them into words.

I can tell that I've been looking to Josh to fill me up so that I don't feel this way, but then I realized that I can't go to him for that. God is the one I need to rely on to make me feel whole and full again. As much as my husband is my heart and my other half, it's not something he can do. There is only one who can, and it is to Him I must go.

Re-engraved Ring

2008-12-11T19:53:00.005-06:00

Today I picked up my footprints ring from the jewelry store.

I knew that they might have problems with the maker's marks being in the way when they tried to add more engraving. When I dropped it off, I assured them that they could put the engraving over the stamped marks in the ring.

When I picked it up today, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the jeweler had buffed out the imprints on the inside of the ring so that now all that's in there is Grace's and Hannah's names and birthdates. It turned out beautifully!

Answers But No Answers

2008-12-11T19:43:00.006-06:00

I had my 2 wk postpartum appt with Liz today. She had the results from Hannah's surgical exam. Hannah had no physical abnormalities and was the size of a 14 wk unborn baby. Although that doesn't totally rule out chromosomal problems (We didn't have any genetic testing done.), it does make me feel better that she doesn't seem to have had the same issues Grace did. However, that still means that we don't have any answers as to why she died.

Next time I see Liz, at my 6 wk postpartum visit, I'm scheduled to have the blood work done to look for medical issues I might have, including PCOS, which she suspects I also have (even though that wouldn't have contributed to the girls' deaths*). She also gave me the name of and referral to an endocrinologist who focuses on thyroid and menstrual issues and PCOS. I plan to make an appt soon.

* I have since learned that PCOS can lead to miscarriage. -- Note added 12/17/08

Waiting with Deep Thoughts

2008-12-09T20:54:00.007-06:00

We're still waiting for answers on Hannah's surgical exam.

I don't know if I want Hannah's exam and the blood work I'm going to have done find something or not. I feel broken; do I want tests to confirm that? If the tests come back with something that can be taken care of, do we want to try for a baby again? Hannah's pg was hard emotionally because of losing Grace; could I handle another one emotionally? And if we'd decide not to try again or if we can't, am I ready for that? It's so hard to think that we might not have another baby here on earth to love, that I might not be pg again. I don't love being pg, but the thought of not going through it one more time ... At the same time that I'm mourning Hannah's death, I'm mourning the thought that my childbearing years might be over. I just don't know, and I suppose I'm jumping the gun since we still don't have any results back and haven't even had the blood work yet. It's just weighing heavily on me.

Clay for the Potter

2008-12-08T09:53:00.006-06:00

Yesterday at church in Bible Class we talked about praying dangerously, asking God to put you in situations in which you can't but help share your faith. Why is this dangerous praying? Because so many of us are afraid or anxious about sharing our faith with others, nervous that we won't know what to say, will say the wrong thing, or will be mocked ... and, as was quoted in the Bible study, we know that if we pray for God to put us in such situations, he will answer our prayer.

I must shamefacedly admit that this is not a prayer I pray. Even with all the years of religious training I've had (religion classes in Christian elementary school and high school, 4 years of college studying to be a Christian school teacher which included many Bible history and doctrine classes), I'm still scared to witness my faith to others. I don't want anyone to spend eternity in hell, yet I'm afraid to tell them about Jesus and his saving love.

Yet in the past year, God has given me a multitude of opportunities to share my faith, especially in light of losing Grace and Hannah. Even though I haven't prayed for these chances to witness, he has provided them, although certainly not in ways I would have chosen. And, regardless of my weakness of faith, I can't help but share it with others when talking about my precious girls. Despite the shortcomings of my faith, my trust in God and his love is part of who I am.

God wants us to pray and share his Word. He tells us to. Yet even when we don't pray as we should, asking him to use us, he still shapes us to do his will.

We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

2008-12-05T10:18:00.000-06:00

A friend shared this poem with me.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~author unkown~

Adding Engraving

2008-12-04T13:17:00.001-06:00

Today I when out grocery shopping, I stopped at the jewelry store and dropped off my footprints ring to have engraving with Hannah's name and birthdate added to the inside.

Arrangements Made

2008-12-03T13:17:00.007-06:00

E ended up staying home from school yesterday since she was sick the night before and had a slight fever in the morning. Consequently I didn't end up taking care of EZ during the day. E was doing better in the afternoon, so Josh, the kids, and I ended up going to the funeral home at 4:30 to fill out the paperwork and make the arrangements. All the kids were very quiet and well-behaved while we were there. The older 3 kids took their homework along to work on.

We are having Hannah's body cremated. Her funeral is at 5:00 on Friday evening. We've asked Pastor R to just do a devotion again, similar to last time. (How I hate the fact that I can say "last time".) We will just have her ashes put in a temporary urn again. Since that just looks like a small plastic box, the funeral director said they can put the urn into a casket for the funeral. Then we can take Hannah's ashes and the urn home with us when the funeral is over, and I won't have to go back to the funeral home again to pick them up.

We will stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, each of us picking out the color we want, to lay by Hannah's casket.

Josh and I have decided to bury Hannah's ashes in the ground around Grace's gingko tree which will then be in memory of both of them. We'll have to wait til spring to do it though. I really like the idea of both of their ashes being together even though it's only their earthly remains. It makes me think of them both being together in their eternal home.

Hidden Perfection

2008-12-02T09:11:00.005-06:00

The past couple of days I've been thinking about the end of my What is Strength? post where I quoted 2 Samuel 22:33 which talks about God making our ways perfect, and I said mine didn't feel perfect now.

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize how even God's perfect plan of salvation didn't seem perfect to his people at the time. The Jews anticipated the Messiah would be an earthly king. Did Peter understand the full implications of what the church leaders were doing when they came to arrest Jesus and Peter cut off the servant's ear? And Mary ... as she stood at the foot of the cross, watching her beloved son die a torturous death at the hands of people who loathed him ... Did God's plan of salvation seem perfect to her then?

Simeon foretold that a sword would pierce her own soul, too (Luke 2:35). Pierce? Talk about an understatement! It was no pinprick! Rip, tear, shred, cleave, lacerate! God would make her way perfect through this?

And don't think for one minute that our Heavenly Father was immune to the pain either. This was his son, HIS OWN SINLESS SON he was allowing hateful, black-souled humans to murder. And why? To save filthy, wretched mankind from an eternity of damnation ... because he loves those same repulsively soiled people. This was the path to perfection?

Yes, it was!

Jesus' disciples and followers only had to wait 3 days before the perfection of the plan was revealed to them in Jesus' resurrection. Even then their earthly minds couldn't comprehend the full ramifications of what had happened. Neither will ours until we join our Savior one day in heavenly glory.

I don't know how God plans to make my way perfect through the recent events in my life. It's taking more than 3 days for him to show it to me. I am battered and bruised, and I cry out to him in my distress. Yet in the midst of my sorrow, I know he will make my way perfect.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

Looking for Answers

2008-12-01T16:07:00.005-06:00

The funeral home called today. We can't get up there today or tomorrow, especially since they close at 5:00 and have a few funerals tomorrow afternoon, and I'll have EZ then. (I said I was willing to care for him this week.) Josh and I plan to go on Wednesday after lunch to meet with the funeral director. I just want to get it done with, but we can't make it til then.

Many people have asked if we have been given any reason as to why Hannah died. As I mentioned in her birth story, there were no obvious signs at her birth to indicate why she died. The level 2 ultrasound I had done at 13 wks didn't show any problems at all.

We are having a surgical exam done on Hannah as we did with Grace. Whether or not that gives us any answers, I will also most likely have some bloodwork done after 6 wks postpartum to check for things I might have developed (like a clotting disorder or some types of infections) which may have led to losing Hannah. Liz has talked to the drs she works with and come up with a list of things for which to test.

What is Strength?

2008-11-30T13:23:00.009-06:00

The past few days many people have told me (or told Josh who told me) that I am strong or that they admire my strong faith. I don't feel that my faith or I are very strong.

Sometimes I feel like a crumbling wall. The only reason I haven't completely toppled is because God is bracing me and shoring up my pebbles. The disintegration has nothing to do with the Almighty Builder but with the cracks I wedge wider. At the same time that I am collapsing, he is restructuring. I am not the one with the strength.

Don't people always say that the survivor is strong at times like this? What would be the determining factor for an onlooker to say the person wasn't strong?

I am asking why this happened. I am crying out in my sorrow.

I hurt. There is a hole in my heart that had started scarring over but has been ripped open anew and deeper. I want my baby. I want both of my babies.

Do people think my faith is strong because I mention relying on God? I'm leaning on him because I am weak. If it wasn't for him, I'd fall completely apart, not just partially. He is the one assembling the wall faster than it's falling down. I am not helping. I am the child standing beside him whining, "Why are you doing it that way, God? I don't like how it looks. Why couldn't it just have stayed the way it was before?"

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

But it doesn't feel perfect right now, God.

4 Sisters

2008-11-29T13:20:00.003-06:00

E and F made up this song with actions.

Hannah Meredith

2008-11-28T18:04:00.007-06:00

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? Job 11:7

On Tuesday I had a routine prenatal appt with my midwife Liz, 18 wks into my pregnancy. Liz couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She tried to find it with the in-room u/s but couldn't, so she sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to do one. (It was the same tech who confirmed Grace's death.) The u/s's confirmed that once again, our baby had died.

Earlier that day my sister R stopped by our house to visit us on her way home from college to my parents' house. She was planning to stay for supper. After my appt she offered to stay and watch the kids as long as we needed.

Since we were heading to the hospital only a couple hours after finding out the baby had died, I didn't have time to sew a blanket as I'd done for Grace. I still wanted to wrap the baby in something from us rather than just the hospital's blanket, so I found a piece of green knit fabric (We still didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl.) which I knew wouldn't unravel and just cut a section of the fabric to take along.

Josh and I returned to the hospital that night around 7:00. I was given doses of cytotec throughout the night to induce labor. Thankfully I was able to sleep some that night, as was Josh.

Around 6:00 the next morning I was given my 4th dose of cytotec. After that the cramping and contractions picked up. I was getting pretty uncomfortable by 7:00, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me a walking epidural (intrathecal). That really helped. I could have gotten up and walked around, but I didn't want to since I was having a lot of bloody show.

Somewhere around this time, I felt something shift. When the nurse checked me, some of the bag of waters had come past my cervix, but I was still only about a 2. The baby was still up in my uterus.

Another 2-3 hours passed. The walking epidural was starting to wear off, so I asked for the anesthesiologist to come up again. This time he gave me a regular epidural.

Since Josh and I hadn't eaten a meal yet, we ordered some late breakfast around 10:30. When it got there, I tried to sit up in bed to eat, but I couldn't sit up on my own without pulling myself up with my arms grabbing onto something. I wasn't expecting it. I've had epidurals before, but maybe they just weren't as strong because I'd never had that feeling before. It really scared me, and then I felt like I was having trouble breathing. That scared me even more, and it almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

The anesthesiologist came back up and poked me with a tiny needle to see where I had feeling and assured me that the epidural was working the way it was supposed to and wasn't too high of a dose. That made me feel alot better, and I was able to relax. In fact, I could still move my left leg a bit, but my right leg was like lead. I couldn't do anything with it which actually brought a bit of levity to the situation as we laughed when the nurses wanted me to move or something, and I couldn't move that leg. I had to use my arm and move the leg, but then the leg fell right back down, so Josh and the nurses had to help me.

Liz wasn't able to be there on Wednesday, so the other mw, Jess, was. (Jess was there as the OB nurse with Liz when Grace was born.)

Around noon when Jess checked me, she decided to break my water since the bag was still there and bulging but it was hard to tell how far I was dilated, and I'd been that way for a while.

Not long after that, after only one push, Hannah Meredith was born at 12:07 pm on Wednesday, 11/26/08, exactly 5 months before her due date. There were no visible signs at her birth to indicate why she had died.

Once again, the placenta didn't want to come out. It was attached at the top of the fundus, and Jess and the nurse worked for a while to try and get it out. Finally Jess decided to get the dr on call to come and help. It happened to be Dr. D, the same dr who was on call last time and asked to do the same thing. This time, however, he seemed to do less manual manipulation and used the instruments a bit more, which, although uncomfortable, didn't seem as uncomfortable as before. Thankfully Dr. D was able to remove all the placenta and I didn't need a D&C.

I was given pitocin afterwards to help control the bleeding as well as 3 rounds of antibiotics as a precaution because of all the "work" Jess and Dr. D had to do to remove the placenta.

Hannah weighed 46 grams and was 5 1/4" long. She was smaller than Grace which makes me wonder exactly when she died. I'd thought for sure that I was feeling movement atleast up til Sunday. Was it all just in my mind? It really makes me question myself. I should know what baby movement feels like. It almost makes me feel sick that I thought I was feeling Hannah move and she might have already been dead. I can't dwell on it though and beat myself up over it.

Hannah had beautiful long fingers and a sweet little mouth that almost seemed to be smiling.

As much as it hurts to go through this a second time, we know that God is with us and will not forsake us. Although we cannot fathom his reasons in this, we trust in him, rest in the strength of his love, and cling to his promise that he works all for our good.

Revised Blog Purpose

2008-11-27T19:37:00.006-06:00

Josh and the kids brought me home from the hospital today. I am quite sore but doing okay.

I am in the process of editing this blog to include Hannah's story as well as Grace's. Some of Hannah's posts will be interspersed with Grace's as they are arranged chronologically according to posting dates, and I'm taking some of them from our family blog. If you want to be sure to read all of Hannah's entries, you can click on Hannah in the sidebar on the right under "Post Categories".

Please note that if you choose to leave comments, they are moderated, so you do not need to post again when your comment doesn't show up immediately.

Maybe it seems odd that I am doing this so soon, but it helps me to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings and process what happened in this way. I also feel it's a way for me to show my love for my daughters by acknowledging their short lives.

Hospital Update

2008-11-26T14:49:00.001-06:00

Got to the hospital around 7:00 last night. Was given cytotec throughout the night and thankfully was able to sleep some.

Hannah Meredith was born a little after noon today.

Through her sadness, E observed, "Atleast Hannah gets to know one of her siblings since Grace is with her."

I plan to come home tomorrow.

Deja Vu

2008-11-25T18:29:00.001-06:00

I had my 18 wk prenatal appt w/ my mw this afternoon. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried for quite a while, then tried on the in-room u/s, then sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to check. Still no HB.

This feels like deja vu. I can't believe it's happening again. I'm numb.

Josh and I are going to the hospital tonight for me to be induced. Please keep our family in your prayers.

Thankful

2008-11-21T19:03:00.000-06:00

I'm thankful for feeling definite baby movement lately which is helping ease my mind.

On an expecting board that I visit, one of the women just discovered at her u/s that her baby had died, and she is being induced. It brings back so many painful memories, but I'm thankful my God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and he will never leave [me], nor forsake [me]. (Joshua 1:5c)

Where's the Baby?

2008-11-14T21:02:00.000-06:00

S says "baby" and when asked where the baby is, he will point to my tummy, although he actually usually points quite a bit high!

Anxiety

2008-11-11T14:59:00.000-06:00

I'm just over 16 wks into this pg, and I'm having a difficult time this week. Although we didn't discover Grace had died til I was 20 wks along, it was determined that she had died around 16 1/2 wks. I'm so scared, anxious, and emotional right now.

I keep thinking about how this baby is the same size as Grace. I can picture what this baby looks like since I held Grace in my arms.

I think I've felt movement, but nothing definite yet, so I don't have that reassurance. I'm still getting by wearing my next-size-up regular clothes, not maternity clothes yet. I suppose I should be happy about that, but I never got into maternity clothes with Grace and I wasn't worried at the time because I figured I'd get big enough in time. Now I'm scared I won't get into maternity clothes again.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those at-home doppler machines so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat and be reassured, but I'd probably end up scaring myself instead when I couldn't find a heartbeat that's really there.

I wish I had another appt with Liz really soon, but I think my next one is the week of Thanksgiving.

I don't want to be on pins and needles this whole pg. I want to enjoy it, but it's so hard! Doubts and fears keep worming their way in.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Oh, God, I'm trying! Please help me!

2nd Tri Morning Sickness?

2008-11-07T22:58:00.000-06:00

I want to know why morning sickness is bothering me more in my 2nd tri than in my 1st?!

14 Wk MW Appt

2008-10-28T20:56:00.002-05:00

I had a regular appt with my midwife Liz today and got to hear baby's heartbeat again ... 155. My BP was 118/60, and I've gained 1 1/2 lbs since my first appt.

My appt today was also for a complete physical. When Liz checked my thyroid, she said it felt puffy. I asked if it could have anything to do with the fact that I'd been sick recently and was still coughing. She said it might, but if my thyroid was the same at my next appt in a month, she wants me to see an endocrinologist. I had a lot of bloodwork done before getting pregnant this time, including checking my thyroid levels, which came back fine. However, Liz said she still feels I should get it checked by an endocrinologist, but she said not to worry. We'll see what happens at my next prenatal appt.

We told the kids about the baby at supper tonight. Faith's preK class has a letter train they do where every day they focus on 2 letters of the alphabet and they get to bring in an item for each letter that starts with that letter. Tomorrow's letters are U and V. The older kids usually like to help think of what she could bring, so at the supper table we were discussing what Faith could take along. Finally I said, "I know what Faith can take for U. How about this?" and I pulled out one of my u/s pics from last week. The kids were very excited. Elizabeth said she knew it (She's been saying for the past couple weeks that she thinks I'm pg.). So, Faith is taking a copy of a u/s pic in to school for the letter U, and Elizabeth wants to take a copy of a u/s pic along to show her friends.

13 Wk Level 2 Ultrasound

2008-10-22T19:50:00.001-05:00

My u/s went well. I was so scared, nervous, anxious, and all those other feelings. It doesn't help that I had a bad dream last night about the u/s. I know it was just a dream, but it didn't help.

The perinatologist checked out the baby's bladder, kidneys, neck, limbs, brain, heart, and took lots of measurements. The measurements put the baby at 13 wks 2 dys, and I'm 13 wks 3 dys, so that's good. The placenta is posterior and high. Baby's HB was 150 again. The dr said she suggested another level 2 u/s after 22 wks to check the baby's heart. She could see that it had 4 chambers, but because the baby is still so little, it was hard to see much else with the heart. As far as she could tell, everything looks great! Baby had his/her legs stretched out much of the time as well as having hands up by his/her face.

And the machine was a 3D u/s, so I got some really neat 3D pics as well as 2D ones.

Perceptivity

2008-10-17T20:45:00.000-05:00

The Fleet Farm Toy catalog recently arrived in the mail. The kids have been drooling over it and circling almost everything in it and telling us all the things they want.

Last night at the supper table as they were discussing this yet again, E said that she thought Josh and I had a secret we were waiting til Christmas to tell. She said, "I think Mama has a baby in her tummy." When we asked why she thought that, she replied, "Because Mama has been going to see Liz alot, and her tummy is getting bigger, and I've got 4 other brothers and sisters, so I know about it. And I think when ladies have babies in their tummies they have an ultrasound like once a week when they get bigger." LOL

Well, I've only actually had 1 appt with Liz, but I was having all that bloodwork done before knowing I was pg and then the bloodwork after finding out I was pg, and I had a u/s already. I explained that sometimes women go to see a mw even when they don't have a baby in their tummy and that you can have a u/s on other parts of your body, too.

I'm not wearing maternity clothes yet, but I have switched to my next bigger size pants. I suppose it's nice to know she doesn't just think I'm getting fat! :)

I think we're planning on telling people after my u/s next week. I guess Josh and I weren't being a subtle as we thought we were! Who knew a 9YO could be so perceptive?!

Bathroom Humor

2008-10-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

You have to admit there's a certain amount of humor in the situation when you're puking in the toilet and your 4YO asks, "Mama, are you 'throw-upping'?" and your 2 YO is standing next to the toilet with you coughing and spitting into it.

Growing

2008-10-14T20:42:00.001-05:00

I am definitely losing my waist. Josh says he can really tell I'm pg, but I think I'm just in that stage where I look like I'm gaining weight.

Dearest Grace

2008-10-05T14:27:00.001-05:00

One year ago today we said hello to you, although it was also goodbye as you were already gone. We held you and loved you, sang to you, talked to you, and kissed you. We knew that it was only your body we held, that your soul was already in its eternal home, but we were able to show our love to you in death in ways that we weren't able to while you were alive.

It seems a bit odd to call this your birthday, but it was indeed the day you were born. It just happens that the date of your death preceded the date of your birth.

My arms and heart still ache to hold you, little one. I love you so much! I think about you everyday. Although the pain of losing you has dulled a bit with time, some days it is still as raw and piercing as a year ago.

And today I find comfort again in my Lord who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He loves me unceasingly and blesses me unendingly.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:4-6

First MW Appt

2008-09-30T20:39:00.001-05:00

Basic stuf, but goo to see Liz again. We went through all the medical history questions. Didn't have to do the bloodwork since I had all that done when I had my HCG and thyroid levels done earlier.

Best part is that I got to hear baby's HB ... 164, so that was reassuring. I still get so scared about not hearing it, but it was there. TY, God.

Next up ... I have a level 2 u/s scheduled for Oct. 22nd.

7 Week Ultrasound

2008-09-08T20:32:00.001-05:00

My u/s was at the hospital, and I had the same u/s tech that I had for the 2 u/s's I had when we found out Grace had died. She remembered me and was so nice.

First she used the abdominal u/s and took some pics but not really of the baby. We saw the gestational sac, but I was getting worried because I couldn't see that little flutter. She really zoomed in and there it was. I was SO relieved I started crying!

Then she used the vaginal u/s to get some better pics and zoomed in and took some measurements. She checked baby's HB twice, and both times it was 150. There really wasn't much to see other than a fuzzy white blob with a flutter in the middle that was the baby and the yolk sace next to it. All the measurements she took were right on with my due date and number of weeks I should be, so that's good.

I was so relieved at the u/s, but I keep getting scared. Maybe I just need to walk around with a u/s permanently attached for the next 8 mo so that I can keep checking that the baby's doing well. :)

I Will Carry You

2008-08-29T14:32:00.005-05:00

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with the privilege of carrying Grace throughout her short life.

I love you, Grace. I always will.

BFP

2008-08-17T20:30:00.001-05:00

I got an immediate + tonight on a pg test at 14 DPO! :) Baby is due 4/26/09. Thank you, God, thank you! Please keep this baby in your tender care. May it grow strong, normally, and healthy and be delivered safely and alive at term. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Crooked Paths and Sweet Peace

2008-08-10T15:09:00.009-05:00

I found these poems today. The same person posted them, but each was at a different blog. The first was posted at Hannah's Prayer; the second was at More Love To Thee. They both really spoke to me.

It puzzles me; but, Lord, Thou understandest,
And wilt one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that it has worked out Thy best--
Its very crookedness taught me to cling.

Thou hast fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wand'ring eyes fixed on Thee,
To make me what I was not: humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love, to Thee.

So I will thank and praise Thee for this puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing Thou dost hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Thy guiding hand.

--F.E.M.I., from Streams in the Desert

There is a peace that cometh after sorrow,
Of hope surrendered, not of hope fulfilled;
A peace that looketh not upon tomorrow,
But calmly on a tempest that it stilled.
A peace that lives not now in joy's excesses,
Nor in the happy life of love secure;
But in the unerring strength the heart possesses,
Of conflicts won while learning to endure.
A peace there is, in sacrifice secluded,
A life subdued, from will and passion free;
'Tis not the peace that over Eden brooded,
But that which triumphed in Gethsemane.

--Anonymous, from Streams in the Desert

Sometimes I feel like a beligerent child, kicking and screaming, trying to break free of God's firm grasp as he leads me down a crooked path. I know God's grasp and reasons are loving, but I don't want to go the way he is taking me. And yet, in the end, I do praise him. I may have started out doing so through tears and clenched teeth, but slowly the tears abate, my jaw loosens, the praises flow more freely through my lips, and I glimpse the peace that follows the storm.

Grace's Tree

2008-05-19T14:27:00.005-05:00

Here are some pictures I took of Grace's tree now that it's got some leaves.

Taken facing north

Facing east southeast

A close-up of the fan-shaped leaves. Aren't they pretty?

Sleeping

2008-05-04T11:52:00.005-05:00

Yesterday Josh and the kids took down the crib and put up a twin bed for S to sleep in. Seeing the crib taken apart and ready to be taken out to the garage was a bit difficult. I couldn't help thinking that the crib wasn't supposed to be taken down at this point. There was supposed to be another little baby sleeping in it by now. But then I think that it really wasn't "supposed" to be that way at all. In our minds, yes, but God knew beforehand that Grace wouldn't be sleeping in that crib. Though it hurts, yet I trust in God's omniscience. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Engraving

2008-04-18T08:22:00.004-05:00

F, S, and I ran errands yesterday morning after M left. I picked up my footprints ring from the jeweler. I'd had it engraved to say GRACE 10-5-07.

Grace's Tree

2008-04-16T21:39:00.007-05:00

Yesterday and today were beautiful spring days. Temps yesterday were in the mid 60's, and today it hit 72, but it was really windy both days.

Josh and I decided a few months a go that we wanted to get a male ginkgo tree as Grace's memorial tree. They are slow-growing, but they have neat fan-shaped leaves, and the trees can live hundreds (even thousands!) of years. Ginkgo trees are also unique because there are both male and female trees (but you don't want to get a female tree because the fruit has an awful smell). I'd called a local nursery on Monday to see if they had any, and they did, so when Josh came home from school yesterday we all went to the nursery to buy it.

Josh came home from school a little earlier than usual today. I showed him where I wanted to plant the tree in the front yard, and he dug a big hole for it. I think all of the kids took turns helping dig, too. After supper, once the tree was in the hole, I poured Grace's ashes around the tree. Then we all helped fill in the hole with the rest of the dirt.

Right now I don't have a working camera, and the tree is still dormant. I do plan to take a picture of it once it leafs out.

It's Here

2008-03-30T00:29:00.004-05:00

My footprints ring arrived via UPS while we were gone. I'd been tracking it before we left and saw it would arrive while we were gone on our vacation to AR, so I'd asked our neighbor to get the package for us so that it wouldn't blow away or get lost. She did, and I got it from her tonight. I really like the ring, and I think it looks prettier than the pictures of I'd seen online.

Ring

2008-03-01T21:26:00.007-06:00

Shortly after Grace's death a dear friend sent me a beautiful stainless steel chain with a heart pendant on it. The front of the heart says "The Heart Remembers". On the back my friend had Grace's name and birthday engraved. I love the necklace. The chain is nice and sturdy, and I don't have to worry about it tarnishing or changing my skin colors as it's stainless steel. I've worn the necklace almost constantly since receiving it.

Before getting the necklace I thought about getting a ring to wear in Grace's memory. I looked at lots of different sites and at many different kinds of "memorial jewelry". I wanted something to wear in Grace's memory but not something that would be an obvious sign of loss to anyone who saw it. I have other "mother's jewelry" with my living children's names or birthstones, and I wanted something for my daughter who is no longer with us. I knew I wanted the jewelry in yellow gold. I thought about getting a ring with her birthstone or just getting a plain band and having her name engraved on the inside. Then I came across this.

It seems to fit what I want perfectly. It's 10kt gold. I just ordered it tonight off ebay. (I had to get my finger sized at the store first to know what size to order. Even though I ordered mine off ebay, you can get the same ring HERE.)

The ring is actually based on the Footprints poem by Mary Stevenson. I found a couple different versions of this ring, some of them with the words "It was then that I carried you" engraved on the inside.

When I saw the ring, that poem wasn't what I thought of. The tiny footprints reminded me of Grace's tiny footprints. I ordered the version of the ring without engraving on the inside because I want to take it to a jeweler and have Grace's name and birthdate engraved on the inside.

Gift of Remembrance

2008-02-20T20:25:00.003-06:00

SS gave us a card and the Willow Tree “Remember” figurine from their family when she picked up M yesterday morning. She knew it was Grace’s due date and wanted us to know that we were in their thoughts and prayers.

What Might Have Been

2008-02-19T08:46:00.008-06:00

Today is my due date, but I'm not pg. Today is the day Grace was due, a day we excitedly anticipated. Yet here I sit, filled with sadness, my heart breaking once again, missing our daughter whom we didn't get to know.

Would she have had blonde hair or dark? What color would her eyes have turned? Would Grace have liked princesses and ponies like her older sisters? Would she have been musical? What career would she have chosen? Would she have married and had babies of her own?

She had a sweet little mouth that was downturned at the corners like most of her siblings and me that we never got to see turn up into a smile. I thought she looked a bit like G.

Most likely she would have faced health and medical obstacles due to the physical problems she had which were discovered after her death. How would they have affected her? How would they have affected us and our family?

For us, Grace's death was not only the death of our child, but the death of our hopes and dreams for her. Yet "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) It is to this I cling as I pray for comfort, remember, and mourn.

Amazing Grace

2008-01-21T13:43:00.001-06:00

I love this version of Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.

Grace and Grace

2007-12-24T11:03:00.003-06:00

I keep thinking that I was supposed to be largely pregnant this Christmas, 7 mo along ... but I'm not. My heart aches as I miss my sweet Grace. At the same time I keep thinking of and clinging to God's words to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9a, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (Emphasis mine.)

Visit From Friends

2007-12-11T14:54:00.002-06:00

Yesterday MS and SG came over for about an hour in the morning. We used to get together once a week for playgroup when the kids were younger, but we haven't in over a year. At any rate, they'd heard about Grace, and they wanted to come and see me. MS brought some flowers for me, too. It was nice to see them again, and it meant alot that they came.

Angry

2007-11-29T23:39:00.005-06:00

Tonight I went grocery shopping by myself while Josh stayed home with the kids. It was the only time it worked for me to go since I have to care for JP for most of the day tomorrow and have to work concessions tomorrow night, and I wanted to get groceries before Saturday.

I don't know why, but I had a difficult time tonight when I was shopping. I don't know of anything in particular that set me off, but I just kept thinking about Grace and it hurt so much! It hurt! I don't want it to hurt anymore! I want to just forget any of it ever happened. I want to forget we were expecting a baby and she died. I want to forget how happily and naively we were anticipating adding another member to our family, taking for granted that it would happen. I don't want to deal with thinking about it anymore. I don't want my arms to feel so empty and my heart to feel like there's a hole in it. Why can't I just forget?

But at the same time I don't want to forget! She's my baby. How could I want to forget her? I loved her! I still love her! I want to hurt because it makes her more real to me. I want to feel the pain that missing her causes. I need to feel it to know that it all actually happened and that Grace is real. Does that make sense?

Then as I was driving home I suddenly got angry. I was really angry! I was so angry I had tears streaming down my face. I was gritting my teeth together so hard! I wanted to scream! I wanted to hit something! I wasn't angry at God, I was just ANGRY! I was angry at everything that had happened! I was angry that my baby died! We loved Grace! We wanted her! Why did she have to die?! Yes, we learned after she died that she'd had problems, but I want my baby!!! I love her!!!

When I got home, the kids were asleep in bed. Josh came out to help me carry in the groceries. He asked me what was wrong. I told him, or atleast I tried to, but it's so hard to explain. I know my feelings don't make sense, but I can't help it. That's how I feel.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm crying as I write this, but I'm not angry. I needed to type this out though. I'm tired, and I feel drained, and I miss my baby girl.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

Thoughts

2007-10-19T13:27:00.002-05:00

I really want another little baby, not to replace Grace, but we were expecting another little one. Now we're not. My heart aches for Grace, and my arms yearn to hold her, yet at the same time, they yearn to hold another little baby, too, in addition to Grace. I really don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words. It doesn't seem to come out right.

I think that if we're blessed with more children, I will be worried about the baby throughout the pg, just because of what we've experienced. I knew things like this could happen before it happened to us, but I guess it just wasn't "real" to me. It always happened to other people. Now I KNOW it can happen to us.

Comforting Words

2007-10-15T11:09:00.003-05:00

Yesterday in church we sang part of Psalm 139. I've heard and read the words before, but I don't remember ever having sung them.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
-- Psalm 139:13-16

These words really struck a chord with me.

God our Father created Grace. Even with her problems, she was fearfully and wonderfully made. Before we were aware she was growing inside of me, God knew her. In fact, he knew her even before she was conceived. In our minds her life may have been unexpectedly cut short, but not to God. From eternity, God knew the length Grace's temporal life would be. Her earthly purpose was fulfilled. What comfort!

Some Answers

2007-10-12T20:26:00.003-05:00

Today I received a phone call from Liz. She'd called on Tuesday to see how I was doing, but I wasn't home, so she just left a message on our machine to say she was thinking of me and hoping I was doing okay. Her call today was for the same purpose, but she'd also received the pathology results from Grace's surgical exam (similar to an autopsy).

The doctor who did the exam found that Grace had no left kidney. She also had micrognathia, a small or underdeveloped jaw. Grace's left leg was "configured differently". The term Liz gave me was "talipes equinovarus" which I found is aka "clubfoot". [I did notice her one foot was turned in when she was born and even pointed it out to Josh but didn't think much of it as one of Gabe's feet looked like that at birth, too. (G didn't have clubfoot though because his tendons and muscles could be stretched so that his foot was turned correctly.)]

Grace also had an undeveloped and hypoplastic thymus or "thymic hypoplasia". I had a hard time finding any information online that talked just about this. Much of what I found associated it with DiGeorge Syndrome, a condition which can include heart defects and immune system problems among other things. Whether or not Grace had this syndrome, we don't know. Liz did say that the combination of all the things the doctor found lead her to believe that Grace probably had some sort of chromosomal problems or syndrome.

I asked Liz if any of these things would have showed up on any of the normal prenatal tests (which we decline) or on a routine u/s halfway through the pregnancy if Grace had been alive. Liz said the missing kidney would have been noticed on the u/s; the thymus problem wouldn't. The triple or quad screening might have raised some red flags. If Grace's issues were chromosomal, they would have shown up on an amniocentesis.

No matter what, Grace, we love you immeasurably and unconditionally, and you will always be in our hearts.

Difficult Morning

2007-10-11T09:38:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was an easier day. This morning has been difficult. I suppose it didn't help that a couple of things happened this morning to start the day off less than ideally.

My heart aches so much. I have another little girl, but I can't hold her close in my arms. I want her here, alive and healthy. God, please hold me close and comfort me in your almighty arms. I miss Grace so much!

Changes

2007-10-10T14:53:00.001-05:00

This morning I had to call and "report a change" to the state because the younger kids and I (when pg) get state medical insurance as secondary insurance. I had to call the WIC office and let them know, too. Making those calls was harder to do than I'd anticipated, but, all in all, I'm doing alright.

Dust and Ashes

2007-10-09T13:39:00.002-05:00

Today I picked up Grace's ashes from the funeral home.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children --
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
-- Psalm 103:13-19

Answering Others' Questions

2007-10-08T10:31:00.004-05:00

Many people have asked us various questions about Grace and things relating to the events of the past few days. I will do my best to answer them.

Grace had beautiful and perfectly formed tiny hands, fingers, knees, and toes. Her eyelids were still fused shut. Her nose didn't really protrude much yet. Her sweet little mouth turned down at the corners, just like some of our other kids' mouths. I think she looked a bit like G.

There was no obvious visible reason at birth to indicate why Grace died. Someone at the hospital is doing a "surgical examination" which is similar to an autopsy and can possibly determine if Grace had any heart, kidney, etc. anomalies. We've declined having any genetic testing done.

The kids' responses to Grace's death are very age appropriate. S obviously doesn't understand. F talks a little bit about Grace being dead. G asks some questions and then goes about whatever he was doing. J is one who has to process and think about things for a while. He asks questions and then needs to digest the answers. I think it all finally became real to him on Saturday, and he got a bit sad and teary and cried a little. Of all the kids, it has probably been hardest on E. She has such a tender, caring heart anyway. She wrote down some things she wanted to say to Grace and read them to her at the hospital. She's written a poem and drawn pictures of Grace. She asks lots of questions and has cried quite a bit. She's been making up songs about Grace, too. I think it's good that she's been expressing herself so much. We've told the kids it's okay to cry and be sad and okay not to cry, and we've told them they can always ask us questions or talk about Grace. We don't want them to feel they can't talk about what happened or hold it in, but sometimes it's really hard to listen to them. We don't discourage them though.

We are having a funeral with just our pastor, Josh, the kids, and me today at 5:00 at the funeral home. Grace will be in a closed casket. The funeral will basically just be a devotion, I think, probably lasting 10-15 minutes. We are going to stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, 1 from each of us (We're letting the kids chose whatever color they want Grace's rose from them to be.) to lay on the top of her casket. Then we decided to have Grace's remains cremated. We plan to buy a tree (We may have to wait til spring. I don't know if we can plant a tree now around here with the cold weather coming. There may not be enough time for the tree's roots to get established in the ground.) and plant the tree in our yard and bury Grace's ashes around the tree. Someone asked what if we move? I think I'd be okay with that. After all, it would only be Grace's earthly remains there. She really isn't there because her soul is in its eternal home.

Physically I'm doing very well. I was a little sore "down below" on Saturday, but it was from my midwife and the dr pushing against my bones there when they were trying to get the placenta out rather than the birthing process. My back was really, really sore due to the epidural. When the anethesiologist had put it in, he hit a vein first, so he had to redo the epidural. I think that's why my back was so sore. It's pretty much back to normal now.

Emotionally and spiritually I'm doing okay. I'm able to take care of the kids and things around the house. It helps to have the other children and "life" to take my mind off what has happened at times. I've cried and cried and cried some more. Sometimes my heart just aches so much to have Grace here, healthy and alive. Josh and I have talked alot to each other about these things. Sometimes I feel like I say the same things over and over. Sometimes I just need to say, "I just want to hold my baby. I miss my baby," and cry. I never saw Grace alive except for that very first u/s when she was, as I said at the time, "a fluttering fuzzy white spot", but I love her and miss her so much. Josh is so good about being there and listening and holding me and letting me cry. Through it all, my biggest comfort is that God, in his unfathomable wisdom, had a reason for this to happen. We may never know why, but we trust in God's wisdom and grace.

In the days between the time we learned Grace had died and when she was delivered, I had the refrains from the songs Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63 and Step By Step by Rich Mullins constantly going through my mind. I hadn't heard those songs for a long time, but in the midst of my sadness, I believe God chose to play these songs over and over in my head. They are upbeat songs of praise not sorrow, but they gave me alot of comfort, reaffirming that God is in control of all things and that in all things we praise him.

Blessed Be Your Name refrain
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your glorious name.

Step By Step refrain
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
I will seek You in the morning,
And I will learn to walk in Your ways,
And step by step You'll lead me,
And I will follow You all of my days.

Another Day

2007-10-07T18:59:00.001-05:00

This afternoon JF came over to watch the kids while Josh and I went to the funeral home to talk to the funeral director. We made the arrangements for Grace's funeral tomorrow. It will just be Pastor R, Josh, the kids, and me.

Yesterday JF brought supper over for us. Tonight KS brought us supper.

People have been so supportive, sympathetic, and caring during this sad time for our family. It means so much that so many people care and have been praying for us. Words just don't describe how grateful we are and how much it means to us. Thank you.

Amazing Grace

2007-10-06T13:39:00.005-05:00

This is copied and pasted from an email Josh sent our friends and family late last night. Italics are from Josh's email; non-italics are my insertions.

After nearly 12 hours and 3 doses of Cytotec (used to induce labor), Melanie delivered Grace Eleanor into the world at 8:45pm tonight (Friday 10/5). After dropping off E, J and G at school, the majority of our day at the hospital was spent talking, walking, eating, reading and watching TV. All of these activities helped to fill a lot of just plain waiting around, waiting for Melanie's body to respond to the medication - during this time Melanie had little discomfort. The hospital staff was very kind and helpful, many of them we know, if not by name, by face since this was our sixth delivery in just under 9 years at the same hospital.

Yesterday we found out that Grace was about 16 weeks old when she died (almost 4 weeks ago). We were both concerned about what condition her body would be in, but God is good and aside from some swelling around her neck and a slightly conical head, she looks very close to the pictures that you would see of a 16 week baby in a book. She is about the size of my outstretched hand from wrist to fingertip and weighs very little. (Her body was also dark and discolored due to the time that had passed between her death and her delivery.) I was able to watch her come out and to cut her cord. Melanie got the epidural that she wanted for the pain and had little discomfort in the actual delivery.

The placenta did not come out on its own, so a doctor was called in. In only a few minutes (I think it was more than a few minutes, atleast it seemed like it. He had to use some medical instruments to get it out, and it didn't come out in one piece.), he was able to remove the placenta without resorting to a [D&C] procedure. Melanie is now resting comfortably in the hospital and will come home tomorrow in the late morning. I am home with the rest of the children that God has entrusted to our care and will go to bed soon.

God's blessings this week have been abundant. He has given us strength to deal with the pain and loss. He has provided friends and family from across the nation to provide us with words of encouragement, shared experiences, advice, assistance and prayers on our behalf. He has given us the words we needed to explain this to our children and He has provided the distraction of life to keep our minds off of this death. None of us knew whether we would meet Grace or Luke tonight. Melanie and I had both hoped that she would be a girl, since that name, which we had selected a long time ago, would be very fitting for this child. So God, in His wisdom, provided us with Grace. Although we may never know or understand why she died when she did and although we may never know with certainty where she is, we cling, not to our Grace, but to God's amazing grace.

"Amazing Grace

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

"’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

"Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

"The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

"Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

"The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine."

John New-ton, Olney Hymns (London: W. Oliver, 1779)

Grace weighed 86 grams and was 7 1/2 inches long.

We were able to take pictures of Grace and hold her, too. The kids got to see her when they came to the hospital to pick me up. We hadn't planned on letting them see her, but they wanted to.

U/S Results

2007-10-04T12:45:00.002-05:00

According to yesterday's u/s, I don't have placenta previa. I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning.

Baby's age was determined to be 16 wks 4 dys. Baby should have been 20 wks 1 dy yesterday.

Today

2007-10-03T20:27:00.002-05:00

Today I sewed a blanket for the baby. In talking with Liz yesterday, I realized that the baby will be too small for clothes, even preemie ones, and I want the baby to be wrapped in something from us. I don't know yet if I want the blanket back afterward or not. I can decide later.

The blanket is very simple. I took a piece of flannel fabric with pastel teddy bears on it and some other material that is pale pastel blue and sewed them together so that one side is the bears and the other side the blue. Then I sewed a heart into each of the 4 corners of the blanket.

Afterward I thought of how, in the old days, people used to sew death shrouds for their loved ones who had died. I could see it as an act of love.

I had the same u/s tech for today's u/s that I had yesterday. She was so kind and understanding. She asked me if I wanted a picture of the baby (which I had decided to ask for before going in). She gave me a picture of the baby's arm and hand and another of the baby's profile. I asked her if she could find out if it was a boy or girl. She said she'd try, but she couldn't get a good enough view to tell. We'll know soon enough.

In addition to checking the placenta's position, she took some measurements of the baby. Of the 4 measurements I saw, they came up as 15 wks, 16 wks, and 2 at 17 wks. I didn't see how many days each measurement was in addition to the weeks. She didn't tell me what she'd found with the placenta's position, but I saw her type "no placenta previa" on the screen, so I'm assuming things will progress on Friday morning much like Liz said when she talked to us yesterday. I will find out for sure tomorrow when I talk to Liz about the u/s results.

I also spent alot of time today on the phone making arrangements for the kids for Friday.

Heartbreak

2007-10-03T10:11:00.003-05:00

I am copying and pasting this email that Josh sent to many of our friends and relatives yesterday.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." - Job 1:21

It is with a heavy heart that I share with you the news that the baby we expected to be born in February has died. At a routine check-up this afternoon, our midwife was unable to hear a heartbeat. Two ultrasounds confirmed that there was no heartbeat and no movement. At this point there is no indication as to what caused the death and Melanie is not experiencing any physical problems.

Melanie was half way through the pregnancy and so we are in a somewhat uncertain position - the death will probably be classified as a stillborn, but there is a possibility that they may call it a miscarriage. We also do not know the sex of the baby, both of those questions will have to wait until the baby is delivered. Again, because of the baby's age, Melanie will have to deliver the baby sometime in the next few days - we haven't decided when yet.

We shared the news with our kids this evening and their response was understandably proportional to their age. E cried quite a bit and F simply hugged Melanie and then asked her to read a book. Several of them asked the obvious question, "What happens to babies when they die before they are born?" We had the opportunity to share with them that although the Bible doesn't tell us what happens to babies that haven't been baptized, we trust in God's love and wisdom that He will do what He knows is best even though we may not know or understand what this is.

We thank you for the prayers that we know will be offered on our behalf. We place our trust in our God whose ways are beyond our understanding and whose love for us is larger than we can comprehend. We ask that He gives us the attitude of Job, recognizing that the LORD has given us all things, including our children for us to care for and it is the LORD who also decides when to take them away from us again at the time of His choosing. May the name of the LORD be praised.

I talked to Liz this morning. I am scheduled to go in and be induced Friday morning between 8:00-9:00 am. (We will be taking the older kids to school first, then heading to the hospital which is about 15 min from our house.)

After getting off the phone with Liz, I got a call from the dr she works with. The radiology dept called Dr. A with more detailed u/s results from yesterday since Liz has Wednesdays off. Dr. A said that it looks like the placenta is very near or covering the cervix. She said if the placenta is covering the cervix, that will make a difference in how I am delivered. I don't remember if she said it makes a difference if it is only near the cervix or not. I also don't know what difference it would make in my delivery (I didn't think to ask.), but they scheduled me for another u/s this afternoon at 3:00 so that they can look more closely at the placenta's position.

Dr. A is sharing the info with Liz, and Liz will call me tomorrow to let me know the results and more details.

20 Weeks

2007-10-02T20:43:00.003-05:00

I had my 20 wk prenatal appt with Liz today. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried first with the doppler, then brought the bedside u/s into to try and find it. She still didn't see a HB, so she sent me to the u/s dept to get a u/s tech to do one with a better u/s. Still no HB. Our precious little baby has died. I'm being induced in the next couple of days.

I can't believe this is happening. I don't want this to be happening.

15 Week MW Appt

2007-08-30T22:08:00.003-05:00

This afternoon I had an appt with my mw. Thankfully it was uneventful. BP was 118/60. I gained a couple of pounds. Baby's HB was 147.

The Secret's Out!

2007-08-12T20:02:00.003-05:00

We told the kids about the baby after church today. They were so excited! Then I emailed family and friends. Yea!!! Oh, I'm also mailing S's birthday thank you's out tomorrow with a little note about him being a big brother in Feb in there for those grandparents who don't have computer access.

Fluttering Fuzzy White Spot

2007-07-12T16:54:00.003-05:00

Today I had my first prenatal appt with Liz, my midwife. Since I'm only a little over 8 wks along, she said she'd try to find the baby's HB with the doppler, but if she couldn't find it, she'd grab the in-office u/s and try that. No luck finding baby's HB with the doppler, but when she grabbed the u/s, Liz found the baby.

We couldn't see much of baby other than a fuzzy spot, but his/her heart was fluttering away!

Today's Wonderful News

2007-06-13T09:52:00.002-05:00

I got a big, definite immediate +++++++++++++++++++++++++ this morning at 15 DPO!!! Looks like baby #6 is due 2/19/08!!!