He Is Here

Isn't it providential when your heart is weighted down and you read something that speaks to it and brings you comfort? The devotion I read yesterday from The One Year Book of Hope did just that.

The devotion talked about how people try to make sense out of their suffering, but that isn't really what matters. The author quotes a friend when she says on p. 126, "I think it just comes down to this ... God is with us, and that is enough." The author also admits that "there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me. It has seemed like the cop-out answer when he wasn't doing something for me. I have wanted what he has to offer more than I have wanted him." (Second emphasis mine.) Indeed! Yet, his presence is enough, and no matter where we are, he is there! The words of Psalm 139:7-10 reiterate this truth.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

He is here with me. It is enough.

Wondering

I know a number of people who are due and having babies this month and in the near future. I rejoice with these friends, yet, at the same time, this happy news hits me especially hard. Is it because Hannah's due date is so close? I keep thinking that, had things turned out differently, Hannah could have been born by this Easter.

Will I always cry when I learn of another's pregnancy? Will the tears always fall when a friend or relative is blessed with a new child? Will I always feel this painful searing when I see a friend's child who was born when my girls were due and think of how old Grace or Hannah would have been and what they might have been doing?

Will I always feel sick to my stomach when I hear of aborted babies the same gestational age as my daughters, able to picture the size and physical maturity of these little souls? I've always been horrified by abortion and known it was wrong, but now I see the faces of my baby girls when I hear of it.

Will my heart always be ripped apart when I hear news stories of abandoned, unwanted babies?

How long will it be until I can drive past the hospital where Grace and Hannah were born and not have a physical reaction to being near it? Unbidden tears, fast beating heart, difficulty breathing ...

How long, oh, Lord? Please grant me peace.

The First Due Date That Wasn't

Remembering Grace on the 1 yr anniversary of her due date. Rest in peace, sweet one. I love you and always will.

Edited to add:
SS and her kids stopped by today just before lunch to bring me a card and some beautiful pink roses. I invited them to stay for lunch, which they did, before they headed back home.

More Test Results

On Thursday I finally heard back from my mw Liz. All of the blood work I had done for clotting disorders came back normal except that they discovered I carry one copy of the C677T mutation for MTHRF. However, this is not uncommon. Two copies of the mutation could lead to miscarriage and stillbirth, but the mother having only one copy of it is not associated with any increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. So it doesn't seem that any clotting disorders contributed to Grace's or Hannah's deaths.

Where do we go from here? Liz said if we wanted, the next step would be to talk to a genetic counselor. Neither Josh nor I are inclined to go that route as we both feel that from here on out, definitive answers will be elusive.

Endocrinology Test Results

Yesterday I had my follow up appt with the endocrinologist, Dr. L. All of the bloodwork she did came back normal. No elevated thyroid antibodies. No high androgen or testosterone levels. Good lipid panel, HDL, LDL, glucose, and progesterone levels. No hypothyroidism. Dr. L did, however, say that, while my androgen and testosterone levels were normal, I did meet the criteria for PCOS based on other "soft markers" that I have.

We discussed treatment for my mild PCOS with metformin (glucophage) as many women with PCOS are insulin resistant or insulin sensitive and you can't really test for it without doing clinical trials because your glucose levels can still test normal for a while. Dr. L also mentioned how the ovaries are very sensitive to insulin levels. I asked her if my not being on metformin during my pgs could account for the losses, and she said usually pg losses due to PCOS occur much earlier in the pg.

We talked about 3 different scenarios regarding taking metformin:

1. If she was me and wanted to get pg again, she'd take the metformin to give the baby every chance of doing well.

2. I could take the metformin even if I wasn't planning to get pg again. It may help with some of those "soft markers" I deal with.

3. I could opt not to take the metformin if not planning to get pg again. Since the PCOS issues I deal with aren't severe, this would be okay if they don't bother me much. She suggested that if I do this, I should get my glucose levels tested once a year.

Dr. L said that taking or not taking the metformin was up to me since my PCOS and symptoms are fairly mild and that she would support me whatever I choose to do.

At one point in our discussion, I started crying. I couldn't help it. The news she was telling me wasn't bad. However, it seemed to say that we still didn't have any real answers as to why our little girls (especially Hannah) died. I just want answers. I want to know why.

On the drive to my appt I was praying, but I didn't know exactly what to pray for. It's not that I want something to be wrong with me, but if there was something like these things Dr. L tested for, it would be a probable answer. I was almost positive I'd be diagnosed with hypothyroidism since so many of the symptoms fit me, but my blood work levels discounted that. I want to have the "assurance" that if I would get pg again I could take medication or do something else that would put the odds of giving birth to a healthy, living baby overwhelmingly in my favor. Instead, I still feel that it's all an unknown and I don't have anymore "assurance" than before since it seems we still don't know what went wrong in the first place.

I'm still waiting to hear from my mw on the results of all that blood work she did testing for clotting disorders. I'm a bit surprised I haven't heard back from her yet as she's usually really good about getting back to me. I called her on Monday and left a message. I know she's out of the office today, but if I don't hear back from her by tomorrow morning, I'm going to call her again.

I have a feeling the results of the blood work she ordered will come back normal, too.

Abandoning Our Agendas

Shortly after delivering Hannah, a friend loaned me the book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I'd never heard of the book before, but my friend had gotten it when dealing with some difficult things herself, and it had been recommended to her by someone she knew who had suffered 2 late pg losses.

The book is a 52 wk devotional that explores various topics in the Bible with which those suffering pain and disappointment wrestle. It is not specifically written for people who have lost someone they love, but it's certainly fitting for them. The book offers hope to those experiencing the difficult things of this earthly life without being condescending or minimizing the reality of the hurt.

I'm currently on wk 7 of the devotions. So many of the daily writings have hit home for me. It felt like the one for today was written especially for me. Not only did I have an "ah-ha moment", but it was like I was being hit over the head with a 2x4 to make certain I didn't miss it's relevancy to me.

Today's devotion was based on Matthew 10:39. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Guthrie writes on p. 52:

Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only he gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful ... The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.

Wow! Does that ever go straight to my heart and pierce it!

God, I admit to wanting things my way and getting fiercely upset when you don't let them go that way. In my heart I believe that you want what's best for me and are creating it, but sometimes I feel torn apart when things don't seem to progress in the way my puny mind deems best. Forgive me for my mortal short-sightedness and faltering faith. Help me focus on you and the cross, ever thankful for the gift of your son and always trusting in your eternal focus. Amen.

Unscheduled

Today is the day I was scheduled to have my 2nd level 2 u/s. I would have been 26 wks along with Hannah. Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much hope or sadness attached to a number on the calendar. I miss you, sweet baby girl.