Bittersweet Thanksgiving

I am so thankful to God for all of the wonderful blessings he had given me. But this Thanksgiving is also bittersweet, as it is also Hannah's first birthday.

One year ago today my healing yet scarred heart was torn apart again as I learned another of our babies had died before birth. So much of the day was deja vu of what had happened just over a year earlier.

I don't want to dwell on the sadness and heartache, but I can't help remembering. And while I remember, I give thanks to the Lord that he did bless us with these two little girls who, while they were alive, I was able to cradle in my womb. I thank him that I was able to hold them in my arms, even though it was only their earthly bodies. I can no longer touch them, hold them, kiss them, but my love for them is still just as strong as if I could.

Another Fall

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiates 3:1 & 4

The leaves are turning. The nights are cool, perfect sleeping-weather. But I'm not ready for summer to be over yet.

My feelings aren't really about wanting warmer weather to stay. Both Grace and Hannah were born in the fall. It seems my mind is subconsiously trying to deny fall's imminence because the last two autumns have held such sadness. I know the season had nothing to do with the girls' deaths, but they are linked in my mind. I think my subconscious denial of fall is my brain's way of trying to shield me from pain, even if it doesn't make logical sense.

Grace and Hannah have been in my thoughts even more than usual the past couple of weeks. My emotions in regard to them are nearer to the surface again. I know it's because their birthdays are approaching. In a way, I just want to get past the dates so that I don't have to keep thinking that their birthdays are coming up.

I love my baby girls. I want to remember them, and I know I will never forget them, but I don't want to feel the sorrow and pain so acutely.

He Is Here

Isn't it providential when your heart is weighted down and you read something that speaks to it and brings you comfort? The devotion I read yesterday from The One Year Book of Hope did just that.

The devotion talked about how people try to make sense out of their suffering, but that isn't really what matters. The author quotes a friend when she says on p. 126, "I think it just comes down to this ... God is with us, and that is enough." The author also admits that "there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me. It has seemed like the cop-out answer when he wasn't doing something for me. I have wanted what he has to offer more than I have wanted him." (Second emphasis mine.) Indeed! Yet, his presence is enough, and no matter where we are, he is there! The words of Psalm 139:7-10 reiterate this truth.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

He is here with me. It is enough.

Wondering

I know a number of people who are due and having babies this month and in the near future. I rejoice with these friends, yet, at the same time, this happy news hits me especially hard. Is it because Hannah's due date is so close? I keep thinking that, had things turned out differently, Hannah could have been born by this Easter.

Will I always cry when I learn of another's pregnancy? Will the tears always fall when a friend or relative is blessed with a new child? Will I always feel this painful searing when I see a friend's child who was born when my girls were due and think of how old Grace or Hannah would have been and what they might have been doing?

Will I always feel sick to my stomach when I hear of aborted babies the same gestational age as my daughters, able to picture the size and physical maturity of these little souls? I've always been horrified by abortion and known it was wrong, but now I see the faces of my baby girls when I hear of it.

Will my heart always be ripped apart when I hear news stories of abandoned, unwanted babies?

How long will it be until I can drive past the hospital where Grace and Hannah were born and not have a physical reaction to being near it? Unbidden tears, fast beating heart, difficulty breathing ...

How long, oh, Lord? Please grant me peace.

Abandoning Our Agendas

Shortly after delivering Hannah, a friend loaned me the book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I'd never heard of the book before, but my friend had gotten it when dealing with some difficult things herself, and it had been recommended to her by someone she knew who had suffered 2 late pg losses.

The book is a 52 wk devotional that explores various topics in the Bible with which those suffering pain and disappointment wrestle. It is not specifically written for people who have lost someone they love, but it's certainly fitting for them. The book offers hope to those experiencing the difficult things of this earthly life without being condescending or minimizing the reality of the hurt.

I'm currently on wk 7 of the devotions. So many of the daily writings have hit home for me. It felt like the one for today was written especially for me. Not only did I have an "ah-ha moment", but it was like I was being hit over the head with a 2x4 to make certain I didn't miss it's relevancy to me.

Today's devotion was based on Matthew 10:39. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Guthrie writes on p. 52:

Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only he gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful ... The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.

Wow! Does that ever go straight to my heart and pierce it!

God, I admit to wanting things my way and getting fiercely upset when you don't let them go that way. In my heart I believe that you want what's best for me and are creating it, but sometimes I feel torn apart when things don't seem to progress in the way my puny mind deems best. Forgive me for my mortal short-sightedness and faltering faith. Help me focus on you and the cross, ever thankful for the gift of your son and always trusting in your eternal focus. Amen.

Difficult Time

I'm just having a very difficult time emotionally lately. No, I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression and have been on meds for that for years. But I hurt! The past few days my tears have been just below the surface if not breaking through.

It's Christmastime, a time we celebrate our Savior's birth. My oldest child's birthday is in 2 days. My newest niece was just born yesterday. A friend just discovered she's pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and am so thankful to God for sending his son. I'm happy for my daughter as I see how excited she is about her upcoming birthday, and I thank God for blessing us with her. I rejoice with my family members and friends over a newborn baby and the discovery of new life.

... Yet at the same time I weep.

Why, God? I prayed for Hannah before she was conceived. I prayed for her daily, many times a day, since we learned of her existence ... that she would be born healthy and alive at term. Why, God? I feel like she was stolen from me, yet I know you only loaned her to us for a short time, but did it have to be for so short of a time? What are you trying to teach me, God? And why did you have to do it in this way? Please help me to learn what you want me to know and ease my pain.

Lonely, Empty

Lately I've been feeling lonely and empty. I think a good part of it has to do with the introspective thoughts I've been having, especially in regard to missing my babies and trying to figure out what the future holds for us. It's not that I feel lonely because I think no one else has experienced similar things. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's it ... that I'm alone in my head with my thoughts and feelings and am having trouble putting them into words.

I can tell that I've been looking to Josh to fill me up so that I don't feel this way, but then I realized that I can't go to him for that. God is the one I need to rely on to make me feel whole and full again. As much as my husband is my heart and my other half, it's not something he can do. There is only one who can, and it is to Him I must go.

Waiting with Deep Thoughts

We're still waiting for answers on Hannah's surgical exam.

I don't know if I want Hannah's exam and the blood work I'm going to have done find something or not. I feel broken; do I want tests to confirm that? If the tests come back with something that can be taken care of, do we want to try for a baby again? Hannah's pg was hard emotionally because of losing Grace; could I handle another one emotionally? And if we'd decide not to try again or if we can't, am I ready for that? It's so hard to think that we might not have another baby here on earth to love, that I might not be pg again. I don't love being pg, but the thought of not going through it one more time ... At the same time that I'm mourning Hannah's death, I'm mourning the thought that my childbearing years might be over. I just don't know, and I suppose I'm jumping the gun since we still don't have any results back and haven't even had the blood work yet. It's just weighing heavily on me.

Clay for the Potter

Yesterday at church in Bible Class we talked about praying dangerously, asking God to put you in situations in which you can't but help share your faith. Why is this dangerous praying? Because so many of us are afraid or anxious about sharing our faith with others, nervous that we won't know what to say, will say the wrong thing, or will be mocked ... and, as was quoted in the Bible study, we know that if we pray for God to put us in such situations, he will answer our prayer.

I must shamefacedly admit that this is not a prayer I pray. Even with all the years of religious training I've had (religion classes in Christian elementary school and high school, 4 years of college studying to be a Christian school teacher which included many Bible history and doctrine classes), I'm still scared to witness my faith to others. I don't want anyone to spend eternity in hell, yet I'm afraid to tell them about Jesus and his saving love.

Yet in the past year, God has given me a multitude of opportunities to share my faith, especially in light of losing Grace and Hannah. Even though I haven't prayed for these chances to witness, he has provided them, although certainly not in ways I would have chosen. And, regardless of my weakness of faith, I can't help but share it with others when talking about my precious girls. Despite the shortcomings of my faith, my trust in God and his love is part of who I am.

God wants us to pray and share his Word. He tells us to. Yet even when we don't pray as we should, asking him to use us, he still shapes us to do his will.

We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Hidden Perfection

The past couple of days I've been thinking about the end of my What is Strength? post where I quoted 2 Samuel 22:33 which talks about God making our ways perfect, and I said mine didn't feel perfect now.

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize how even God's perfect plan of salvation didn't seem perfect to his people at the time. The Jews anticipated the Messiah would be an earthly king. Did Peter understand the full implications of what the church leaders were doing when they came to arrest Jesus and Peter cut off the servant's ear? And Mary ... as she stood at the foot of the cross, watching her beloved son die a torturous death at the hands of people who loathed him ... Did God's plan of salvation seem perfect to her then?

Simeon foretold that a sword would pierce her own soul, too (Luke 2:35). Pierce? Talk about an understatement! It was no pinprick! Rip, tear, shred, cleave, lacerate! God would make her way perfect through this?

And don't think for one minute that our Heavenly Father was immune to the pain either. This was his son, HIS OWN SINLESS SON he was allowing hateful, black-souled humans to murder. And why? To save filthy, wretched mankind from an eternity of damnation ... because he loves those same repulsively soiled people. This was the path to perfection?

Yes, it was!

Jesus' disciples and followers only had to wait 3 days before the perfection of the plan was revealed to them in Jesus' resurrection. Even then their earthly minds couldn't comprehend the full ramifications of what had happened. Neither will ours until we join our Savior one day in heavenly glory.

I don't know how God plans to make my way perfect through the recent events in my life. It's taking more than 3 days for him to show it to me. I am battered and bruised, and I cry out to him in my distress. Yet in the midst of my sorrow, I know he will make my way perfect.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

What is Strength?

The past few days many people have told me (or told Josh who told me) that I am strong or that they admire my strong faith. I don't feel that my faith or I are very strong.

Sometimes I feel like a crumbling wall. The only reason I haven't completely toppled is because God is bracing me and shoring up my pebbles. The disintegration has nothing to do with the Almighty Builder but with the cracks I wedge wider. At the same time that I am collapsing, he is restructuring. I am not the one with the strength.

Don't people always say that the survivor is strong at times like this? What would be the determining factor for an onlooker to say the person wasn't strong?

I am asking why this happened. I am crying out in my sorrow.

I hurt. There is a hole in my heart that had started scarring over but has been ripped open anew and deeper. I want my baby. I want both of my babies.

Do people think my faith is strong because I mention relying on God? I'm leaning on him because I am weak. If it wasn't for him, I'd fall completely apart, not just partially. He is the one assembling the wall faster than it's falling down. I am not helping. I am the child standing beside him whining, "Why are you doing it that way, God? I don't like how it looks. Why couldn't it just have stayed the way it was before?"

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

But it doesn't feel perfect right now, God.

Sleeping

Yesterday Josh and the kids took down the crib and put up a twin bed for S to sleep in. Seeing the crib taken apart and ready to be taken out to the garage was a bit difficult. I couldn't help thinking that the crib wasn't supposed to be taken down at this point. There was supposed to be another little baby sleeping in it by now. But then I think that it really wasn't "supposed" to be that way at all. In our minds, yes, but God knew beforehand that Grace wouldn't be sleeping in that crib. Though it hurts, yet I trust in God's omniscience. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

What Might Have Been

Today is my due date, but I'm not pg. Today is the day Grace was due, a day we excitedly anticipated. Yet here I sit, filled with sadness, my heart breaking once again, missing our daughter whom we didn't get to know.

Would she have had blonde hair or dark? What color would her eyes have turned? Would Grace have liked princesses and ponies like her older sisters? Would she have been musical? What career would she have chosen? Would she have married and had babies of her own?

She had a sweet little mouth that was downturned at the corners like most of her siblings and me that we never got to see turn up into a smile. I thought she looked a bit like G.

Most likely she would have faced health and medical obstacles due to the physical problems she had which were discovered after her death. How would they have affected her? How would they have affected us and our family?

For us, Grace's death was not only the death of our child, but the death of our hopes and dreams for her. Yet "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) It is to this I cling as I pray for comfort, remember, and mourn.

Grace and Grace

I keep thinking that I was supposed to be largely pregnant this Christmas, 7 mo along ... but I'm not. My heart aches as I miss my sweet Grace. At the same time I keep thinking of and clinging to God's words to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9a, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (Emphasis mine.)

Angry

Tonight I went grocery shopping by myself while Josh stayed home with the kids. It was the only time it worked for me to go since I have to care for JP for most of the day tomorrow and have to work concessions tomorrow night, and I wanted to get groceries before Saturday.

I don't know why, but I had a difficult time tonight when I was shopping. I don't know of anything in particular that set me off, but I just kept thinking about Grace and it hurt so much! It hurt! I don't want it to hurt anymore! I want to just forget any of it ever happened. I want to forget we were expecting a baby and she died. I want to forget how happily and naively we were anticipating adding another member to our family, taking for granted that it would happen. I don't want to deal with thinking about it anymore. I don't want my arms to feel so empty and my heart to feel like there's a hole in it. Why can't I just forget?

But at the same time I don't want to forget! She's my baby. How could I want to forget her? I loved her! I still love her! I want to hurt because it makes her more real to me. I want to feel the pain that missing her causes. I need to feel it to know that it all actually happened and that Grace is real. Does that make sense?

Then as I was driving home I suddenly got angry. I was really angry! I was so angry I had tears streaming down my face. I was gritting my teeth together so hard! I wanted to scream! I wanted to hit something! I wasn't angry at God, I was just ANGRY! I was angry at everything that had happened! I was angry that my baby died! We loved Grace! We wanted her! Why did she have to die?! Yes, we learned after she died that she'd had problems, but I want my baby!!! I love her!!!

When I got home, the kids were asleep in bed. Josh came out to help me carry in the groceries. He asked me what was wrong. I told him, or atleast I tried to, but it's so hard to explain. I know my feelings don't make sense, but I can't help it. That's how I feel.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm crying as I write this, but I'm not angry. I needed to type this out though. I'm tired, and I feel drained, and I miss my baby girl.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

Thoughts

I really want another little baby, not to replace Grace, but we were expecting another little one. Now we're not. My heart aches for Grace, and my arms yearn to hold her, yet at the same time, they yearn to hold another little baby, too, in addition to Grace. I really don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words. It doesn't seem to come out right.

I think that if we're blessed with more children, I will be worried about the baby throughout the pg, just because of what we've experienced. I knew things like this could happen before it happened to us, but I guess it just wasn't "real" to me. It always happened to other people. Now I KNOW it can happen to us.

Comforting Words

Yesterday in church we sang part of Psalm 139. I've heard and read the words before, but I don't remember ever having sung them.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
-- Psalm 139:13-16

These words really struck a chord with me.

God our Father created Grace. Even with her problems, she was fearfully and wonderfully made. Before we were aware she was growing inside of me, God knew her. In fact, he knew her even before she was conceived. In our minds her life may have been unexpectedly cut short, but not to God. From eternity, God knew the length Grace's temporal life would be. Her earthly purpose was fulfilled. What comfort!

Answering Others' Questions

Many people have asked us various questions about Grace and things relating to the events of the past few days. I will do my best to answer them.

Grace had beautiful and perfectly formed tiny hands, fingers, knees, and toes. Her eyelids were still fused shut. Her nose didn't really protrude much yet. Her sweet little mouth turned down at the corners, just like some of our other kids' mouths. I think she looked a bit like G.

There was no obvious visible reason at birth to indicate why Grace died. Someone at the hospital is doing a "surgical examination" which is similar to an autopsy and can possibly determine if Grace had any heart, kidney, etc. anomalies. We've declined having any genetic testing done.

The kids' responses to Grace's death are very age appropriate. S obviously doesn't understand. F talks a little bit about Grace being dead. G asks some questions and then goes about whatever he was doing. J is one who has to process and think about things for a while. He asks questions and then needs to digest the answers. I think it all finally became real to him on Saturday, and he got a bit sad and teary and cried a little. Of all the kids, it has probably been hardest on E. She has such a tender, caring heart anyway. She wrote down some things she wanted to say to Grace and read them to her at the hospital. She's written a poem and drawn pictures of Grace. She asks lots of questions and has cried quite a bit. She's been making up songs about Grace, too. I think it's good that she's been expressing herself so much. We've told the kids it's okay to cry and be sad and okay not to cry, and we've told them they can always ask us questions or talk about Grace. We don't want them to feel they can't talk about what happened or hold it in, but sometimes it's really hard to listen to them. We don't discourage them though.

We are having a funeral with just our pastor, Josh, the kids, and me today at 5:00 at the funeral home. Grace will be in a closed casket. The funeral will basically just be a devotion, I think, probably lasting 10-15 minutes. We are going to stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, 1 from each of us (We're letting the kids chose whatever color they want Grace's rose from them to be.) to lay on the top of her casket. Then we decided to have Grace's remains cremated. We plan to buy a tree (We may have to wait til spring. I don't know if we can plant a tree now around here with the cold weather coming. There may not be enough time for the tree's roots to get established in the ground.) and plant the tree in our yard and bury Grace's ashes around the tree. Someone asked what if we move? I think I'd be okay with that. After all, it would only be Grace's earthly remains there. She really isn't there because her soul is in its eternal home.

Physically I'm doing very well. I was a little sore "down below" on Saturday, but it was from my midwife and the dr pushing against my bones there when they were trying to get the placenta out rather than the birthing process. My back was really, really sore due to the epidural. When the anethesiologist had put it in, he hit a vein first, so he had to redo the epidural. I think that's why my back was so sore. It's pretty much back to normal now.

Emotionally and spiritually I'm doing okay. I'm able to take care of the kids and things around the house. It helps to have the other children and "life" to take my mind off what has happened at times. I've cried and cried and cried some more. Sometimes my heart just aches so much to have Grace here, healthy and alive. Josh and I have talked alot to each other about these things. Sometimes I feel like I say the same things over and over. Sometimes I just need to say, "I just want to hold my baby. I miss my baby," and cry. I never saw Grace alive except for that very first u/s when she was, as I said at the time, "a fluttering fuzzy white spot", but I love her and miss her so much. Josh is so good about being there and listening and holding me and letting me cry. Through it all, my biggest comfort is that God, in his unfathomable wisdom, had a reason for this to happen. We may never know why, but we trust in God's wisdom and grace.

In the days between the time we learned Grace had died and when she was delivered, I had the refrains from the songs Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63 and Step By Step by Rich Mullins constantly going through my mind. I hadn't heard those songs for a long time, but in the midst of my sadness, I believe God chose to play these songs over and over in my head. They are upbeat songs of praise not sorrow, but they gave me alot of comfort, reaffirming that God is in control of all things and that in all things we praise him.

Blessed Be Your Name refrain
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your glorious name.

Step By Step refrain
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
I will seek You in the morning,
And I will learn to walk in Your ways,
And step by step You'll lead me,
And I will follow You all of my days.