Bittersweet Thanksgiving

I am so thankful to God for all of the wonderful blessings he had given me. But this Thanksgiving is also bittersweet, as it is also Hannah's first birthday.

One year ago today my healing yet scarred heart was torn apart again as I learned another of our babies had died before birth. So much of the day was deja vu of what had happened just over a year earlier.

I don't want to dwell on the sadness and heartache, but I can't help remembering. And while I remember, I give thanks to the Lord that he did bless us with these two little girls who, while they were alive, I was able to cradle in my womb. I thank him that I was able to hold them in my arms, even though it was only their earthly bodies. I can no longer touch them, hold them, kiss them, but my love for them is still just as strong as if I could.

Raining

Today is Hannah's due date. It's a day I'd looked forward to with such anticipation. All of our children have been born before their due dates, so, had things turned out differently, Hannah probably wouldn't have been born today either, but a due date is a due date ... a day on the calendar to look forward to with anxiety and excitement.

But today it's raining outside, in my heart, and down my cheeks.

I miss you so much, Hannah.

Wondering

I know a number of people who are due and having babies this month and in the near future. I rejoice with these friends, yet, at the same time, this happy news hits me especially hard. Is it because Hannah's due date is so close? I keep thinking that, had things turned out differently, Hannah could have been born by this Easter.

Will I always cry when I learn of another's pregnancy? Will the tears always fall when a friend or relative is blessed with a new child? Will I always feel this painful searing when I see a friend's child who was born when my girls were due and think of how old Grace or Hannah would have been and what they might have been doing?

Will I always feel sick to my stomach when I hear of aborted babies the same gestational age as my daughters, able to picture the size and physical maturity of these little souls? I've always been horrified by abortion and known it was wrong, but now I see the faces of my baby girls when I hear of it.

Will my heart always be ripped apart when I hear news stories of abandoned, unwanted babies?

How long will it be until I can drive past the hospital where Grace and Hannah were born and not have a physical reaction to being near it? Unbidden tears, fast beating heart, difficulty breathing ...

How long, oh, Lord? Please grant me peace.

Unscheduled

Today is the day I was scheduled to have my 2nd level 2 u/s. I would have been 26 wks along with Hannah. Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much hope or sadness attached to a number on the calendar. I miss you, sweet baby girl.

Whatever You're Doing

This song by Sanctus Real has really become meaningful to me. I feel like it describes so much of what I've been feeling. I don't know why God allowed such sorrow to enter my life, but I can tell he's changing me through it. So many times I feel all mixed up inside, not knowing where God is leading me, how I will look when he's finished molding me, but I know I need to trust in him, surrendering all to the one who can "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)

Finding Peace

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep and my mind just kept going, not wanting to shut down, wrestling with my thoughts and feelings. In the midst of all the things swirling through my head, there emerged a sense of peace, that everything would be okay, that I would be okay. I'd known this in my head all along, but now I felt it in my heart. I know that feelings can be fickle, and my heart still hurts, but I thank God for giving me this sense of peace.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest of gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love. Psalm 107:13-15

Difficult Time

I'm just having a very difficult time emotionally lately. No, I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression and have been on meds for that for years. But I hurt! The past few days my tears have been just below the surface if not breaking through.

It's Christmastime, a time we celebrate our Savior's birth. My oldest child's birthday is in 2 days. My newest niece was just born yesterday. A friend just discovered she's pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and am so thankful to God for sending his son. I'm happy for my daughter as I see how excited she is about her upcoming birthday, and I thank God for blessing us with her. I rejoice with my family members and friends over a newborn baby and the discovery of new life.

... Yet at the same time I weep.

Why, God? I prayed for Hannah before she was conceived. I prayed for her daily, many times a day, since we learned of her existence ... that she would be born healthy and alive at term. Why, God? I feel like she was stolen from me, yet I know you only loaned her to us for a short time, but did it have to be for so short of a time? What are you trying to teach me, God? And why did you have to do it in this way? Please help me to learn what you want me to know and ease my pain.

Lonely, Empty

Lately I've been feeling lonely and empty. I think a good part of it has to do with the introspective thoughts I've been having, especially in regard to missing my babies and trying to figure out what the future holds for us. It's not that I feel lonely because I think no one else has experienced similar things. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's it ... that I'm alone in my head with my thoughts and feelings and am having trouble putting them into words.

I can tell that I've been looking to Josh to fill me up so that I don't feel this way, but then I realized that I can't go to him for that. God is the one I need to rely on to make me feel whole and full again. As much as my husband is my heart and my other half, it's not something he can do. There is only one who can, and it is to Him I must go.

What is Strength?

The past few days many people have told me (or told Josh who told me) that I am strong or that they admire my strong faith. I don't feel that my faith or I are very strong.

Sometimes I feel like a crumbling wall. The only reason I haven't completely toppled is because God is bracing me and shoring up my pebbles. The disintegration has nothing to do with the Almighty Builder but with the cracks I wedge wider. At the same time that I am collapsing, he is restructuring. I am not the one with the strength.

Don't people always say that the survivor is strong at times like this? What would be the determining factor for an onlooker to say the person wasn't strong?

I am asking why this happened. I am crying out in my sorrow.

I hurt. There is a hole in my heart that had started scarring over but has been ripped open anew and deeper. I want my baby. I want both of my babies.

Do people think my faith is strong because I mention relying on God? I'm leaning on him because I am weak. If it wasn't for him, I'd fall completely apart, not just partially. He is the one assembling the wall faster than it's falling down. I am not helping. I am the child standing beside him whining, "Why are you doing it that way, God? I don't like how it looks. Why couldn't it just have stayed the way it was before?"

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

But it doesn't feel perfect right now, God.

Thankful

I'm thankful for feeling definite baby movement lately which is helping ease my mind.

On an expecting board that I visit, one of the women just discovered at her u/s that her baby had died, and she is being induced. It brings back so many painful memories, but I'm thankful my God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and he will never leave [me], nor forsake [me]. (Joshua 1:5c)

Anxiety

I'm just over 16 wks into this pg, and I'm having a difficult time this week. Although we didn't discover Grace had died til I was 20 wks along, it was determined that she had died around 16 1/2 wks. I'm so scared, anxious, and emotional right now.

I keep thinking about how this baby is the same size as Grace. I can picture what this baby looks like since I held Grace in my arms.

I think I've felt movement, but nothing definite yet, so I don't have that reassurance. I'm still getting by wearing my next-size-up regular clothes, not maternity clothes yet. I suppose I should be happy about that, but I never got into maternity clothes with Grace and I wasn't worried at the time because I figured I'd get big enough in time. Now I'm scared I won't get into maternity clothes again.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those at-home doppler machines so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat and be reassured, but I'd probably end up scaring myself instead when I couldn't find a heartbeat that's really there.

I wish I had another appt with Liz really soon, but I think my next one is the week of Thanksgiving.

I don't want to be on pins and needles this whole pg. I want to enjoy it, but it's so hard! Doubts and fears keep worming their way in.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Oh, God, I'm trying! Please help me!

Crooked Paths and Sweet Peace

I found these poems today. The same person posted them, but each was at a different blog. The first was posted at Hannah's Prayer; the second was at More Love To Thee. They both really spoke to me.

It puzzles me; but, Lord, Thou understandest,
And wilt one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that it has worked out Thy best--
Its very crookedness taught me to cling.

Thou hast fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wand'ring eyes fixed on Thee,
To make me what I was not: humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love, to Thee.

So I will thank and praise Thee for this puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing Thou dost hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Thy guiding hand.

--F.E.M.I., from Streams in the Desert


There is a peace that cometh after sorrow,
Of hope surrendered, not of hope fulfilled;
A peace that looketh not upon tomorrow,
But calmly on a tempest that it stilled.
A peace that lives not now in joy's excesses,
Nor in the happy life of love secure;
But in the unerring strength the heart possesses,
Of conflicts won while learning to endure.
A peace there is, in sacrifice secluded,
A life subdued, from will and passion free;
'Tis not the peace that over Eden brooded,
But that which triumphed in Gethsemane.

--Anonymous, from Streams in the Desert


Sometimes I feel like a beligerent child, kicking and screaming, trying to break free of God's firm grasp as he leads me down a crooked path. I know God's grasp and reasons are loving, but I don't want to go the way he is taking me. And yet, in the end, I do praise him. I may have started out doing so through tears and clenched teeth, but slowly the tears abate, my jaw loosens, the praises flow more freely through my lips, and I glimpse the peace that follows the storm.

Sleeping

Yesterday Josh and the kids took down the crib and put up a twin bed for S to sleep in. Seeing the crib taken apart and ready to be taken out to the garage was a bit difficult. I couldn't help thinking that the crib wasn't supposed to be taken down at this point. There was supposed to be another little baby sleeping in it by now. But then I think that it really wasn't "supposed" to be that way at all. In our minds, yes, but God knew beforehand that Grace wouldn't be sleeping in that crib. Though it hurts, yet I trust in God's omniscience. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Grace and Grace

I keep thinking that I was supposed to be largely pregnant this Christmas, 7 mo along ... but I'm not. My heart aches as I miss my sweet Grace. At the same time I keep thinking of and clinging to God's words to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9a, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (Emphasis mine.)

Angry

Tonight I went grocery shopping by myself while Josh stayed home with the kids. It was the only time it worked for me to go since I have to care for JP for most of the day tomorrow and have to work concessions tomorrow night, and I wanted to get groceries before Saturday.

I don't know why, but I had a difficult time tonight when I was shopping. I don't know of anything in particular that set me off, but I just kept thinking about Grace and it hurt so much! It hurt! I don't want it to hurt anymore! I want to just forget any of it ever happened. I want to forget we were expecting a baby and she died. I want to forget how happily and naively we were anticipating adding another member to our family, taking for granted that it would happen. I don't want to deal with thinking about it anymore. I don't want my arms to feel so empty and my heart to feel like there's a hole in it. Why can't I just forget?

But at the same time I don't want to forget! She's my baby. How could I want to forget her? I loved her! I still love her! I want to hurt because it makes her more real to me. I want to feel the pain that missing her causes. I need to feel it to know that it all actually happened and that Grace is real. Does that make sense?

Then as I was driving home I suddenly got angry. I was really angry! I was so angry I had tears streaming down my face. I was gritting my teeth together so hard! I wanted to scream! I wanted to hit something! I wasn't angry at God, I was just ANGRY! I was angry at everything that had happened! I was angry that my baby died! We loved Grace! We wanted her! Why did she have to die?! Yes, we learned after she died that she'd had problems, but I want my baby!!! I love her!!!

When I got home, the kids were asleep in bed. Josh came out to help me carry in the groceries. He asked me what was wrong. I told him, or atleast I tried to, but it's so hard to explain. I know my feelings don't make sense, but I can't help it. That's how I feel.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm crying as I write this, but I'm not angry. I needed to type this out though. I'm tired, and I feel drained, and I miss my baby girl.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

Thoughts

I really want another little baby, not to replace Grace, but we were expecting another little one. Now we're not. My heart aches for Grace, and my arms yearn to hold her, yet at the same time, they yearn to hold another little baby, too, in addition to Grace. I really don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words. It doesn't seem to come out right.

I think that if we're blessed with more children, I will be worried about the baby throughout the pg, just because of what we've experienced. I knew things like this could happen before it happened to us, but I guess it just wasn't "real" to me. It always happened to other people. Now I KNOW it can happen to us.

Difficult Morning

Yesterday was an easier day. This morning has been difficult. I suppose it didn't help that a couple of things happened this morning to start the day off less than ideally.

My heart aches so much. I have another little girl, but I can't hold her close in my arms. I want her here, alive and healthy. God, please hold me close and comfort me in your almighty arms. I miss Grace so much!

Changes

This morning I had to call and "report a change" to the state because the younger kids and I (when pg) get state medical insurance as secondary insurance. I had to call the WIC office and let them know, too. Making those calls was harder to do than I'd anticipated, but, all in all, I'm doing alright.

Answering Others' Questions

Many people have asked us various questions about Grace and things relating to the events of the past few days. I will do my best to answer them.

Grace had beautiful and perfectly formed tiny hands, fingers, knees, and toes. Her eyelids were still fused shut. Her nose didn't really protrude much yet. Her sweet little mouth turned down at the corners, just like some of our other kids' mouths. I think she looked a bit like G.

There was no obvious visible reason at birth to indicate why Grace died. Someone at the hospital is doing a "surgical examination" which is similar to an autopsy and can possibly determine if Grace had any heart, kidney, etc. anomalies. We've declined having any genetic testing done.

The kids' responses to Grace's death are very age appropriate. S obviously doesn't understand. F talks a little bit about Grace being dead. G asks some questions and then goes about whatever he was doing. J is one who has to process and think about things for a while. He asks questions and then needs to digest the answers. I think it all finally became real to him on Saturday, and he got a bit sad and teary and cried a little. Of all the kids, it has probably been hardest on E. She has such a tender, caring heart anyway. She wrote down some things she wanted to say to Grace and read them to her at the hospital. She's written a poem and drawn pictures of Grace. She asks lots of questions and has cried quite a bit. She's been making up songs about Grace, too. I think it's good that she's been expressing herself so much. We've told the kids it's okay to cry and be sad and okay not to cry, and we've told them they can always ask us questions or talk about Grace. We don't want them to feel they can't talk about what happened or hold it in, but sometimes it's really hard to listen to them. We don't discourage them though.

We are having a funeral with just our pastor, Josh, the kids, and me today at 5:00 at the funeral home. Grace will be in a closed casket. The funeral will basically just be a devotion, I think, probably lasting 10-15 minutes. We are going to stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, 1 from each of us (We're letting the kids chose whatever color they want Grace's rose from them to be.) to lay on the top of her casket. Then we decided to have Grace's remains cremated. We plan to buy a tree (We may have to wait til spring. I don't know if we can plant a tree now around here with the cold weather coming. There may not be enough time for the tree's roots to get established in the ground.) and plant the tree in our yard and bury Grace's ashes around the tree. Someone asked what if we move? I think I'd be okay with that. After all, it would only be Grace's earthly remains there. She really isn't there because her soul is in its eternal home.

Physically I'm doing very well. I was a little sore "down below" on Saturday, but it was from my midwife and the dr pushing against my bones there when they were trying to get the placenta out rather than the birthing process. My back was really, really sore due to the epidural. When the anethesiologist had put it in, he hit a vein first, so he had to redo the epidural. I think that's why my back was so sore. It's pretty much back to normal now.

Emotionally and spiritually I'm doing okay. I'm able to take care of the kids and things around the house. It helps to have the other children and "life" to take my mind off what has happened at times. I've cried and cried and cried some more. Sometimes my heart just aches so much to have Grace here, healthy and alive. Josh and I have talked alot to each other about these things. Sometimes I feel like I say the same things over and over. Sometimes I just need to say, "I just want to hold my baby. I miss my baby," and cry. I never saw Grace alive except for that very first u/s when she was, as I said at the time, "a fluttering fuzzy white spot", but I love her and miss her so much. Josh is so good about being there and listening and holding me and letting me cry. Through it all, my biggest comfort is that God, in his unfathomable wisdom, had a reason for this to happen. We may never know why, but we trust in God's wisdom and grace.

In the days between the time we learned Grace had died and when she was delivered, I had the refrains from the songs Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63 and Step By Step by Rich Mullins constantly going through my mind. I hadn't heard those songs for a long time, but in the midst of my sadness, I believe God chose to play these songs over and over in my head. They are upbeat songs of praise not sorrow, but they gave me alot of comfort, reaffirming that God is in control of all things and that in all things we praise him.

Blessed Be Your Name refrain
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your glorious name.

Step By Step refrain
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
I will seek You in the morning,
And I will learn to walk in Your ways,
And step by step You'll lead me,
And I will follow You all of my days.