Bittersweet Thanksgiving

I am so thankful to God for all of the wonderful blessings he had given me. But this Thanksgiving is also bittersweet, as it is also Hannah's first birthday.

One year ago today my healing yet scarred heart was torn apart again as I learned another of our babies had died before birth. So much of the day was deja vu of what had happened just over a year earlier.

I don't want to dwell on the sadness and heartache, but I can't help remembering. And while I remember, I give thanks to the Lord that he did bless us with these two little girls who, while they were alive, I was able to cradle in my womb. I thank him that I was able to hold them in my arms, even though it was only their earthly bodies. I can no longer touch them, hold them, kiss them, but my love for them is still just as strong as if I could.

Remembering

Today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I am remembering those babies who died before birth or while still infants. You are still loved and not forgotten, Grace, Hannah, Annie, Samuel, Zoe, Rain, Chloe, Caden, Abigail, Lalah, Charis, Ethan, Heidi, Gracie, Josiah, Ephraim, and other beloved nameless little ones.

Two Years

Two years ago today was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life.

My midwife, the most wonderful midwife in the whole world, gave us this Precious Moment figurine in Grace's memory. Grace's name and birthdate are written on the bottom. (She gave us a matching one with Hannah's name and birthdate on the bottom, too.)

I miss you everyday, but I'm especially missing you today on your 2nd birthday, dear daughter.

Another Fall

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiates 3:1 & 4

The leaves are turning. The nights are cool, perfect sleeping-weather. But I'm not ready for summer to be over yet.

My feelings aren't really about wanting warmer weather to stay. Both Grace and Hannah were born in the fall. It seems my mind is subconsiously trying to deny fall's imminence because the last two autumns have held such sadness. I know the season had nothing to do with the girls' deaths, but they are linked in my mind. I think my subconscious denial of fall is my brain's way of trying to shield me from pain, even if it doesn't make logical sense.

Grace and Hannah have been in my thoughts even more than usual the past couple of weeks. My emotions in regard to them are nearer to the surface again. I know it's because their birthdays are approaching. In a way, I just want to get past the dates so that I don't have to keep thinking that their birthdays are coming up.

I love my baby girls. I want to remember them, and I know I will never forget them, but I don't want to feel the sorrow and pain so acutely.

Rest In Peace

Today we buried Hannah's ashes under the gingko tree we planted in memory of Grace and her.

There's no special reason that we did it today. Originally we had to wait til the weather warmed up in order to dig up the ground. Then it seemed we'd only remember to do it at times that didn't work. Both of our baby girls' remains are now laid to rest in the same place.

But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Isaiah 26:19

Raining

Today is Hannah's due date. It's a day I'd looked forward to with such anticipation. All of our children have been born before their due dates, so, had things turned out differently, Hannah probably wouldn't have been born today either, but a due date is a due date ... a day on the calendar to look forward to with anxiety and excitement.

But today it's raining outside, in my heart, and down my cheeks.

I miss you so much, Hannah.

Wondering

I know a number of people who are due and having babies this month and in the near future. I rejoice with these friends, yet, at the same time, this happy news hits me especially hard. Is it because Hannah's due date is so close? I keep thinking that, had things turned out differently, Hannah could have been born by this Easter.

Will I always cry when I learn of another's pregnancy? Will the tears always fall when a friend or relative is blessed with a new child? Will I always feel this painful searing when I see a friend's child who was born when my girls were due and think of how old Grace or Hannah would have been and what they might have been doing?

Will I always feel sick to my stomach when I hear of aborted babies the same gestational age as my daughters, able to picture the size and physical maturity of these little souls? I've always been horrified by abortion and known it was wrong, but now I see the faces of my baby girls when I hear of it.

Will my heart always be ripped apart when I hear news stories of abandoned, unwanted babies?

How long will it be until I can drive past the hospital where Grace and Hannah were born and not have a physical reaction to being near it? Unbidden tears, fast beating heart, difficulty breathing ...

How long, oh, Lord? Please grant me peace.

Unscheduled

Today is the day I was scheduled to have my 2nd level 2 u/s. I would have been 26 wks along with Hannah. Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much hope or sadness attached to a number on the calendar. I miss you, sweet baby girl.

Two of Us in Heaven

Josh used a laser engraver and made this beautiful etching for me for Christmas.

I had to take the picture looking down at it to avoid getting a reflection in the glass. The glass is a 9x16" rectangle.

Josh used E, F, and himself as models by using a digital camera to take pics. Then he converted the pics to the "sketch" style and had the engraver etch the glass.

The writing on the top of the wood holding up the glass has the title of the piece, Two of Us in Heaven. Underneath the title it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:1

On the bottom of the wood, Josh engraved the following:

This image was created in loving memory of my two stillborn daughters, Grace Eleanor [last name] (10/5/07) and Hannah Meredith [last name] (11/26/08), for my wife, Melanie. The inspiration for this image came from my daughter E, who, shortly after Hannah's birth, told us that she thought Grace would be welcoming Hannah into Heaven, where the two of them would be waiting for us. The image is meant to depict little Hannah, timidly approaching a welcoming Jesus, while her older sister, Grace, offers her a hand, encouraging Hannah to come meet Jesus, her Savior that she has already had the chance to meet. The title of the image, "Two of Us in Heaven", comes from a short song that E made up after Hannah's birth. It is my prayer that this image offers hope, encouragement and joy (though it may be mixed with earthly sorrow) to everyone who sees it.

- Joshua [middle initial, last name] 12/24/08

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. - Job 1:21

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? - Job 11:7

I cried and cried when I opened it. It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! What a wonderful, loving husband God has blessed me with!

Difficult Time

I'm just having a very difficult time emotionally lately. No, I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression and have been on meds for that for years. But I hurt! The past few days my tears have been just below the surface if not breaking through.

It's Christmastime, a time we celebrate our Savior's birth. My oldest child's birthday is in 2 days. My newest niece was just born yesterday. A friend just discovered she's pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and am so thankful to God for sending his son. I'm happy for my daughter as I see how excited she is about her upcoming birthday, and I thank God for blessing us with her. I rejoice with my family members and friends over a newborn baby and the discovery of new life.

... Yet at the same time I weep.

Why, God? I prayed for Hannah before she was conceived. I prayed for her daily, many times a day, since we learned of her existence ... that she would be born healthy and alive at term. Why, God? I feel like she was stolen from me, yet I know you only loaned her to us for a short time, but did it have to be for so short of a time? What are you trying to teach me, God? And why did you have to do it in this way? Please help me to learn what you want me to know and ease my pain.

Re-engraved Ring

Today I picked up my footprints ring from the jewelry store.

I knew that they might have problems with the maker's marks being in the way when they tried to add more engraving. When I dropped it off, I assured them that they could put the engraving over the stamped marks in the ring.

When I picked it up today, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the jeweler had buffed out the imprints on the inside of the ring so that now all that's in there is Grace's and Hannah's names and birthdates. It turned out beautifully!

Answers But No Answers

I had my 2 wk postpartum appt with Liz today. She had the results from Hannah's surgical exam. Hannah had no physical abnormalities and was the size of a 14 wk unborn baby. Although that doesn't totally rule out chromosomal problems (We didn't have any genetic testing done.), it does make me feel better that she doesn't seem to have had the same issues Grace did. However, that still means that we don't have any answers as to why she died.

Next time I see Liz, at my 6 wk postpartum visit, I'm scheduled to have the blood work done to look for medical issues I might have, including PCOS, which she suspects I also have (even though that wouldn't have contributed to the girls' deaths*). She also gave me the name of and referral to an endocrinologist who focuses on thyroid and menstrual issues and PCOS. I plan to make an appt soon.

* I have since learned that PCOS can lead to miscarriage. -- Note added 12/17/08

Waiting with Deep Thoughts

We're still waiting for answers on Hannah's surgical exam.

I don't know if I want Hannah's exam and the blood work I'm going to have done find something or not. I feel broken; do I want tests to confirm that? If the tests come back with something that can be taken care of, do we want to try for a baby again? Hannah's pg was hard emotionally because of losing Grace; could I handle another one emotionally? And if we'd decide not to try again or if we can't, am I ready for that? It's so hard to think that we might not have another baby here on earth to love, that I might not be pg again. I don't love being pg, but the thought of not going through it one more time ... At the same time that I'm mourning Hannah's death, I'm mourning the thought that my childbearing years might be over. I just don't know, and I suppose I'm jumping the gun since we still don't have any results back and haven't even had the blood work yet. It's just weighing heavily on me.

Adding Engraving

Today I when out grocery shopping, I stopped at the jewelry store and dropped off my footprints ring to have engraving with Hannah's name and birthdate added to the inside.

Arrangements Made

E ended up staying home from school yesterday since she was sick the night before and had a slight fever in the morning. Consequently I didn't end up taking care of EZ during the day. E was doing better in the afternoon, so Josh, the kids, and I ended up going to the funeral home at 4:30 to fill out the paperwork and make the arrangements. All the kids were very quiet and well-behaved while we were there. The older 3 kids took their homework along to work on.

We are having Hannah's body cremated. Her funeral is at 5:00 on Friday evening. We've asked Pastor R to just do a devotion again, similar to last time. (How I hate the fact that I can say "last time".) We will just have her ashes put in a temporary urn again. Since that just looks like a small plastic box, the funeral director said they can put the urn into a casket for the funeral. Then we can take Hannah's ashes and the urn home with us when the funeral is over, and I won't have to go back to the funeral home again to pick them up.

We will stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, each of us picking out the color we want, to lay by Hannah's casket.

Josh and I have decided to bury Hannah's ashes in the ground around Grace's gingko tree which will then be in memory of both of them. We'll have to wait til spring to do it though. I really like the idea of both of their ashes being together even though it's only their earthly remains. It makes me think of them both being together in their eternal home.

Looking for Answers

The funeral home called today. We can't get up there today or tomorrow, especially since they close at 5:00 and have a few funerals tomorrow afternoon, and I'll have EZ then. (I said I was willing to care for him this week.) Josh and I plan to go on Wednesday after lunch to meet with the funeral director. I just want to get it done with, but we can't make it til then.

Many people have asked if we have been given any reason as to why Hannah died. As I mentioned in her birth story, there were no obvious signs at her birth to indicate why she died. The level 2 ultrasound I had done at 13 wks didn't show any problems at all.

We are having a surgical exam done on Hannah as we did with Grace. Whether or not that gives us any answers, I will also most likely have some bloodwork done after 6 wks postpartum to check for things I might have developed (like a clotting disorder or some types of infections) which may have led to losing Hannah. Liz has talked to the drs she works with and come up with a list of things for which to test.

Hannah Meredith

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? Job 11:7

On Tuesday I had a routine prenatal appt with my midwife Liz, 18 wks into my pregnancy. Liz couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She tried to find it with the in-room u/s but couldn't, so she sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to do one. (It was the same tech who confirmed Grace's death.) The u/s's confirmed that once again, our baby had died.

Earlier that day my sister R stopped by our house to visit us on her way home from college to my parents' house. She was planning to stay for supper. After my appt she offered to stay and watch the kids as long as we needed.

Since we were heading to the hospital only a couple hours after finding out the baby had died, I didn't have time to sew a blanket as I'd done for Grace. I still wanted to wrap the baby in something from us rather than just the hospital's blanket, so I found a piece of green knit fabric (We still didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl.) which I knew wouldn't unravel and just cut a section of the fabric to take along.

Josh and I returned to the hospital that night around 7:00. I was given doses of cytotec throughout the night to induce labor. Thankfully I was able to sleep some that night, as was Josh.

Around 6:00 the next morning I was given my 4th dose of cytotec. After that the cramping and contractions picked up. I was getting pretty uncomfortable by 7:00, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me a walking epidural (intrathecal). That really helped. I could have gotten up and walked around, but I didn't want to since I was having a lot of bloody show.

Somewhere around this time, I felt something shift. When the nurse checked me, some of the bag of waters had come past my cervix, but I was still only about a 2. The baby was still up in my uterus.

Another 2-3 hours passed. The walking epidural was starting to wear off, so I asked for the anesthesiologist to come up again. This time he gave me a regular epidural.

Since Josh and I hadn't eaten a meal yet, we ordered some late breakfast around 10:30. When it got there, I tried to sit up in bed to eat, but I couldn't sit up on my own without pulling myself up with my arms grabbing onto something. I wasn't expecting it. I've had epidurals before, but maybe they just weren't as strong because I'd never had that feeling before. It really scared me, and then I felt like I was having trouble breathing. That scared me even more, and it almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

The anesthesiologist came back up and poked me with a tiny needle to see where I had feeling and assured me that the epidural was working the way it was supposed to and wasn't too high of a dose. That made me feel alot better, and I was able to relax. In fact, I could still move my left leg a bit, but my right leg was like lead. I couldn't do anything with it which actually brought a bit of levity to the situation as we laughed when the nurses wanted me to move or something, and I couldn't move that leg. I had to use my arm and move the leg, but then the leg fell right back down, so Josh and the nurses had to help me.

Liz wasn't able to be there on Wednesday, so the other mw, Jess, was. (Jess was there as the OB nurse with Liz when Grace was born.)

Around noon when Jess checked me, she decided to break my water since the bag was still there and bulging but it was hard to tell how far I was dilated, and I'd been that way for a while.

Not long after that, after only one push, Hannah Meredith was born at 12:07 pm on Wednesday, 11/26/08, exactly 5 months before her due date. There were no visible signs at her birth to indicate why she had died.

Once again, the placenta didn't want to come out. It was attached at the top of the fundus, and Jess and the nurse worked for a while to try and get it out. Finally Jess decided to get the dr on call to come and help. It happened to be Dr. D, the same dr who was on call last time and asked to do the same thing. This time, however, he seemed to do less manual manipulation and used the instruments a bit more, which, although uncomfortable, didn't seem as uncomfortable as before. Thankfully Dr. D was able to remove all the placenta and I didn't need a D&C.

I was given pitocin afterwards to help control the bleeding as well as 3 rounds of antibiotics as a precaution because of all the "work" Jess and Dr. D had to do to remove the placenta.

Hannah weighed 46 grams and was 5 1/4" long. She was smaller than Grace which makes me wonder exactly when she died. I'd thought for sure that I was feeling movement atleast up til Sunday. Was it all just in my mind? It really makes me question myself. I should know what baby movement feels like. It almost makes me feel sick that I thought I was feeling Hannah move and she might have already been dead. I can't dwell on it though and beat myself up over it.

Hannah had beautiful long fingers and a sweet little mouth that almost seemed to be smiling.

As much as it hurts to go through this a second time, we know that God is with us and will not forsake us. Although we cannot fathom his reasons in this, we trust in him, rest in the strength of his love, and cling to his promise that he works all for our good.

Revised Blog Purpose

Josh and the kids brought me home from the hospital today. I am quite sore but doing okay.

I am in the process of editing this blog to include Hannah's story as well as Grace's. Some of Hannah's posts will be interspersed with Grace's as they are arranged chronologically according to posting dates, and I'm taking some of them from our family blog. If you want to be sure to read all of Hannah's entries, you can click on Hannah in the sidebar on the right under "Post Categories".

Please note that if you choose to leave comments, they are moderated, so you do not need to post again when your comment doesn't show up immediately.

Maybe it seems odd that I am doing this so soon, but it helps me to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings and process what happened in this way. I also feel it's a way for me to show my love for my daughters by acknowledging their short lives.

Hospital Update

Got to the hospital around 7:00 last night. Was given cytotec throughout the night and thankfully was able to sleep some.

Hannah Meredith was born a little after noon today.

Through her sadness, E observed, "Atleast Hannah gets to know one of her siblings since Grace is with her."

I plan to come home tomorrow.

Deja Vu

I had my 18 wk prenatal appt w/ my mw this afternoon. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried for quite a while, then tried on the in-room u/s, then sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to check. Still no HB.

This feels like deja vu. I can't believe it's happening again. I'm numb.

Josh and I are going to the hospital tonight for me to be induced. Please keep our family in your prayers.