Angry

Tonight I went grocery shopping by myself while Josh stayed home with the kids. It was the only time it worked for me to go since I have to care for JP for most of the day tomorrow and have to work concessions tomorrow night, and I wanted to get groceries before Saturday.

I don't know why, but I had a difficult time tonight when I was shopping. I don't know of anything in particular that set me off, but I just kept thinking about Grace and it hurt so much! It hurt! I don't want it to hurt anymore! I want to just forget any of it ever happened. I want to forget we were expecting a baby and she died. I want to forget how happily and naively we were anticipating adding another member to our family, taking for granted that it would happen. I don't want to deal with thinking about it anymore. I don't want my arms to feel so empty and my heart to feel like there's a hole in it. Why can't I just forget?

But at the same time I don't want to forget! She's my baby. How could I want to forget her? I loved her! I still love her! I want to hurt because it makes her more real to me. I want to feel the pain that missing her causes. I need to feel it to know that it all actually happened and that Grace is real. Does that make sense?

Then as I was driving home I suddenly got angry. I was really angry! I was so angry I had tears streaming down my face. I was gritting my teeth together so hard! I wanted to scream! I wanted to hit something! I wasn't angry at God, I was just ANGRY! I was angry at everything that had happened! I was angry that my baby died! We loved Grace! We wanted her! Why did she have to die?! Yes, we learned after she died that she'd had problems, but I want my baby!!! I love her!!!

When I got home, the kids were asleep in bed. Josh came out to help me carry in the groceries. He asked me what was wrong. I told him, or atleast I tried to, but it's so hard to explain. I know my feelings don't make sense, but I can't help it. That's how I feel.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm crying as I write this, but I'm not angry. I needed to type this out though. I'm tired, and I feel drained, and I miss my baby girl.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13