Another Fall

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiates 3:1 & 4

The leaves are turning. The nights are cool, perfect sleeping-weather. But I'm not ready for summer to be over yet.

My feelings aren't really about wanting warmer weather to stay. Both Grace and Hannah were born in the fall. It seems my mind is subconsiously trying to deny fall's imminence because the last two autumns have held such sadness. I know the season had nothing to do with the girls' deaths, but they are linked in my mind. I think my subconscious denial of fall is my brain's way of trying to shield me from pain, even if it doesn't make logical sense.

Grace and Hannah have been in my thoughts even more than usual the past couple of weeks. My emotions in regard to them are nearer to the surface again. I know it's because their birthdays are approaching. In a way, I just want to get past the dates so that I don't have to keep thinking that their birthdays are coming up.

I love my baby girls. I want to remember them, and I know I will never forget them, but I don't want to feel the sorrow and pain so acutely.

Rest In Peace

Today we buried Hannah's ashes under the gingko tree we planted in memory of Grace and her.

There's no special reason that we did it today. Originally we had to wait til the weather warmed up in order to dig up the ground. Then it seemed we'd only remember to do it at times that didn't work. Both of our baby girls' remains are now laid to rest in the same place.

But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Isaiah 26:19

He Is Here

Isn't it providential when your heart is weighted down and you read something that speaks to it and brings you comfort? The devotion I read yesterday from The One Year Book of Hope did just that.

The devotion talked about how people try to make sense out of their suffering, but that isn't really what matters. The author quotes a friend when she says on p. 126, "I think it just comes down to this ... God is with us, and that is enough." The author also admits that "there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me. It has seemed like the cop-out answer when he wasn't doing something for me. I have wanted what he has to offer more than I have wanted him." (Second emphasis mine.) Indeed! Yet, his presence is enough, and no matter where we are, he is there! The words of Psalm 139:7-10 reiterate this truth.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

He is here with me. It is enough.

Whatever You're Doing

This song by Sanctus Real has really become meaningful to me. I feel like it describes so much of what I've been feeling. I don't know why God allowed such sorrow to enter my life, but I can tell he's changing me through it. So many times I feel all mixed up inside, not knowing where God is leading me, how I will look when he's finished molding me, but I know I need to trust in him, surrendering all to the one who can "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)

Two of Us in Heaven

Josh used a laser engraver and made this beautiful etching for me for Christmas.

I had to take the picture looking down at it to avoid getting a reflection in the glass. The glass is a 9x16" rectangle.

Josh used E, F, and himself as models by using a digital camera to take pics. Then he converted the pics to the "sketch" style and had the engraver etch the glass.

The writing on the top of the wood holding up the glass has the title of the piece, Two of Us in Heaven. Underneath the title it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:1

On the bottom of the wood, Josh engraved the following:

This image was created in loving memory of my two stillborn daughters, Grace Eleanor [last name] (10/5/07) and Hannah Meredith [last name] (11/26/08), for my wife, Melanie. The inspiration for this image came from my daughter E, who, shortly after Hannah's birth, told us that she thought Grace would be welcoming Hannah into Heaven, where the two of them would be waiting for us. The image is meant to depict little Hannah, timidly approaching a welcoming Jesus, while her older sister, Grace, offers her a hand, encouraging Hannah to come meet Jesus, her Savior that she has already had the chance to meet. The title of the image, "Two of Us in Heaven", comes from a short song that E made up after Hannah's birth. It is my prayer that this image offers hope, encouragement and joy (though it may be mixed with earthly sorrow) to everyone who sees it.

- Joshua [middle initial, last name] 12/24/08

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. - Job 1:21

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? - Job 11:7

I cried and cried when I opened it. It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! What a wonderful, loving husband God has blessed me with!

Finding Peace

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep and my mind just kept going, not wanting to shut down, wrestling with my thoughts and feelings. In the midst of all the things swirling through my head, there emerged a sense of peace, that everything would be okay, that I would be okay. I'd known this in my head all along, but now I felt it in my heart. I know that feelings can be fickle, and my heart still hurts, but I thank God for giving me this sense of peace.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest of gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love. Psalm 107:13-15

Clay for the Potter

Yesterday at church in Bible Class we talked about praying dangerously, asking God to put you in situations in which you can't but help share your faith. Why is this dangerous praying? Because so many of us are afraid or anxious about sharing our faith with others, nervous that we won't know what to say, will say the wrong thing, or will be mocked ... and, as was quoted in the Bible study, we know that if we pray for God to put us in such situations, he will answer our prayer.

I must shamefacedly admit that this is not a prayer I pray. Even with all the years of religious training I've had (religion classes in Christian elementary school and high school, 4 years of college studying to be a Christian school teacher which included many Bible history and doctrine classes), I'm still scared to witness my faith to others. I don't want anyone to spend eternity in hell, yet I'm afraid to tell them about Jesus and his saving love.

Yet in the past year, God has given me a multitude of opportunities to share my faith, especially in light of losing Grace and Hannah. Even though I haven't prayed for these chances to witness, he has provided them, although certainly not in ways I would have chosen. And, regardless of my weakness of faith, I can't help but share it with others when talking about my precious girls. Despite the shortcomings of my faith, my trust in God and his love is part of who I am.

God wants us to pray and share his Word. He tells us to. Yet even when we don't pray as we should, asking him to use us, he still shapes us to do his will.

We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Hidden Perfection

The past couple of days I've been thinking about the end of my What is Strength? post where I quoted 2 Samuel 22:33 which talks about God making our ways perfect, and I said mine didn't feel perfect now.

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize how even God's perfect plan of salvation didn't seem perfect to his people at the time. The Jews anticipated the Messiah would be an earthly king. Did Peter understand the full implications of what the church leaders were doing when they came to arrest Jesus and Peter cut off the servant's ear? And Mary ... as she stood at the foot of the cross, watching her beloved son die a torturous death at the hands of people who loathed him ... Did God's plan of salvation seem perfect to her then?

Simeon foretold that a sword would pierce her own soul, too (Luke 2:35). Pierce? Talk about an understatement! It was no pinprick! Rip, tear, shred, cleave, lacerate! God would make her way perfect through this?

And don't think for one minute that our Heavenly Father was immune to the pain either. This was his son, HIS OWN SINLESS SON he was allowing hateful, black-souled humans to murder. And why? To save filthy, wretched mankind from an eternity of damnation ... because he loves those same repulsively soiled people. This was the path to perfection?

Yes, it was!

Jesus' disciples and followers only had to wait 3 days before the perfection of the plan was revealed to them in Jesus' resurrection. Even then their earthly minds couldn't comprehend the full ramifications of what had happened. Neither will ours until we join our Savior one day in heavenly glory.

I don't know how God plans to make my way perfect through the recent events in my life. It's taking more than 3 days for him to show it to me. I am battered and bruised, and I cry out to him in my distress. Yet in the midst of my sorrow, I know he will make my way perfect.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

What is Strength?

The past few days many people have told me (or told Josh who told me) that I am strong or that they admire my strong faith. I don't feel that my faith or I are very strong.

Sometimes I feel like a crumbling wall. The only reason I haven't completely toppled is because God is bracing me and shoring up my pebbles. The disintegration has nothing to do with the Almighty Builder but with the cracks I wedge wider. At the same time that I am collapsing, he is restructuring. I am not the one with the strength.

Don't people always say that the survivor is strong at times like this? What would be the determining factor for an onlooker to say the person wasn't strong?

I am asking why this happened. I am crying out in my sorrow.

I hurt. There is a hole in my heart that had started scarring over but has been ripped open anew and deeper. I want my baby. I want both of my babies.

Do people think my faith is strong because I mention relying on God? I'm leaning on him because I am weak. If it wasn't for him, I'd fall completely apart, not just partially. He is the one assembling the wall faster than it's falling down. I am not helping. I am the child standing beside him whining, "Why are you doing it that way, God? I don't like how it looks. Why couldn't it just have stayed the way it was before?"

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

But it doesn't feel perfect right now, God.

Hannah Meredith

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? Job 11:7

On Tuesday I had a routine prenatal appt with my midwife Liz, 18 wks into my pregnancy. Liz couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She tried to find it with the in-room u/s but couldn't, so she sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to do one. (It was the same tech who confirmed Grace's death.) The u/s's confirmed that once again, our baby had died.

Earlier that day my sister R stopped by our house to visit us on her way home from college to my parents' house. She was planning to stay for supper. After my appt she offered to stay and watch the kids as long as we needed.

Since we were heading to the hospital only a couple hours after finding out the baby had died, I didn't have time to sew a blanket as I'd done for Grace. I still wanted to wrap the baby in something from us rather than just the hospital's blanket, so I found a piece of green knit fabric (We still didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl.) which I knew wouldn't unravel and just cut a section of the fabric to take along.

Josh and I returned to the hospital that night around 7:00. I was given doses of cytotec throughout the night to induce labor. Thankfully I was able to sleep some that night, as was Josh.

Around 6:00 the next morning I was given my 4th dose of cytotec. After that the cramping and contractions picked up. I was getting pretty uncomfortable by 7:00, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me a walking epidural (intrathecal). That really helped. I could have gotten up and walked around, but I didn't want to since I was having a lot of bloody show.

Somewhere around this time, I felt something shift. When the nurse checked me, some of the bag of waters had come past my cervix, but I was still only about a 2. The baby was still up in my uterus.

Another 2-3 hours passed. The walking epidural was starting to wear off, so I asked for the anesthesiologist to come up again. This time he gave me a regular epidural.

Since Josh and I hadn't eaten a meal yet, we ordered some late breakfast around 10:30. When it got there, I tried to sit up in bed to eat, but I couldn't sit up on my own without pulling myself up with my arms grabbing onto something. I wasn't expecting it. I've had epidurals before, but maybe they just weren't as strong because I'd never had that feeling before. It really scared me, and then I felt like I was having trouble breathing. That scared me even more, and it almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

The anesthesiologist came back up and poked me with a tiny needle to see where I had feeling and assured me that the epidural was working the way it was supposed to and wasn't too high of a dose. That made me feel alot better, and I was able to relax. In fact, I could still move my left leg a bit, but my right leg was like lead. I couldn't do anything with it which actually brought a bit of levity to the situation as we laughed when the nurses wanted me to move or something, and I couldn't move that leg. I had to use my arm and move the leg, but then the leg fell right back down, so Josh and the nurses had to help me.

Liz wasn't able to be there on Wednesday, so the other mw, Jess, was. (Jess was there as the OB nurse with Liz when Grace was born.)

Around noon when Jess checked me, she decided to break my water since the bag was still there and bulging but it was hard to tell how far I was dilated, and I'd been that way for a while.

Not long after that, after only one push, Hannah Meredith was born at 12:07 pm on Wednesday, 11/26/08, exactly 5 months before her due date. There were no visible signs at her birth to indicate why she had died.

Once again, the placenta didn't want to come out. It was attached at the top of the fundus, and Jess and the nurse worked for a while to try and get it out. Finally Jess decided to get the dr on call to come and help. It happened to be Dr. D, the same dr who was on call last time and asked to do the same thing. This time, however, he seemed to do less manual manipulation and used the instruments a bit more, which, although uncomfortable, didn't seem as uncomfortable as before. Thankfully Dr. D was able to remove all the placenta and I didn't need a D&C.

I was given pitocin afterwards to help control the bleeding as well as 3 rounds of antibiotics as a precaution because of all the "work" Jess and Dr. D had to do to remove the placenta.

Hannah weighed 46 grams and was 5 1/4" long. She was smaller than Grace which makes me wonder exactly when she died. I'd thought for sure that I was feeling movement atleast up til Sunday. Was it all just in my mind? It really makes me question myself. I should know what baby movement feels like. It almost makes me feel sick that I thought I was feeling Hannah move and she might have already been dead. I can't dwell on it though and beat myself up over it.

Hannah had beautiful long fingers and a sweet little mouth that almost seemed to be smiling.

As much as it hurts to go through this a second time, we know that God is with us and will not forsake us. Although we cannot fathom his reasons in this, we trust in him, rest in the strength of his love, and cling to his promise that he works all for our good.

Anxiety

I'm just over 16 wks into this pg, and I'm having a difficult time this week. Although we didn't discover Grace had died til I was 20 wks along, it was determined that she had died around 16 1/2 wks. I'm so scared, anxious, and emotional right now.

I keep thinking about how this baby is the same size as Grace. I can picture what this baby looks like since I held Grace in my arms.

I think I've felt movement, but nothing definite yet, so I don't have that reassurance. I'm still getting by wearing my next-size-up regular clothes, not maternity clothes yet. I suppose I should be happy about that, but I never got into maternity clothes with Grace and I wasn't worried at the time because I figured I'd get big enough in time. Now I'm scared I won't get into maternity clothes again.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those at-home doppler machines so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat and be reassured, but I'd probably end up scaring myself instead when I couldn't find a heartbeat that's really there.

I wish I had another appt with Liz really soon, but I think my next one is the week of Thanksgiving.

I don't want to be on pins and needles this whole pg. I want to enjoy it, but it's so hard! Doubts and fears keep worming their way in.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Oh, God, I'm trying! Please help me!

Dearest Grace

One year ago today we said hello to you, although it was also goodbye as you were already gone. We held you and loved you, sang to you, talked to you, and kissed you. We knew that it was only your body we held, that your soul was already in its eternal home, but we were able to show our love to you in death in ways that we weren't able to while you were alive.

It seems a bit odd to call this your birthday, but it was indeed the day you were born. It just happens that the date of your death preceded the date of your birth.

My arms and heart still ache to hold you, little one. I love you so much! I think about you everyday. Although the pain of losing you has dulled a bit with time, some days it is still as raw and piercing as a year ago.

And today I find comfort again in my Lord who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He loves me unceasingly and blesses me unendingly.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:4-6

Sleeping

Yesterday Josh and the kids took down the crib and put up a twin bed for S to sleep in. Seeing the crib taken apart and ready to be taken out to the garage was a bit difficult. I couldn't help thinking that the crib wasn't supposed to be taken down at this point. There was supposed to be another little baby sleeping in it by now. But then I think that it really wasn't "supposed" to be that way at all. In our minds, yes, but God knew beforehand that Grace wouldn't be sleeping in that crib. Though it hurts, yet I trust in God's omniscience. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

What Might Have Been

Today is my due date, but I'm not pg. Today is the day Grace was due, a day we excitedly anticipated. Yet here I sit, filled with sadness, my heart breaking once again, missing our daughter whom we didn't get to know.

Would she have had blonde hair or dark? What color would her eyes have turned? Would Grace have liked princesses and ponies like her older sisters? Would she have been musical? What career would she have chosen? Would she have married and had babies of her own?

She had a sweet little mouth that was downturned at the corners like most of her siblings and me that we never got to see turn up into a smile. I thought she looked a bit like G.

Most likely she would have faced health and medical obstacles due to the physical problems she had which were discovered after her death. How would they have affected her? How would they have affected us and our family?

For us, Grace's death was not only the death of our child, but the death of our hopes and dreams for her. Yet "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) It is to this I cling as I pray for comfort, remember, and mourn.

Grace and Grace

I keep thinking that I was supposed to be largely pregnant this Christmas, 7 mo along ... but I'm not. My heart aches as I miss my sweet Grace. At the same time I keep thinking of and clinging to God's words to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9a, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (Emphasis mine.)

Angry

Tonight I went grocery shopping by myself while Josh stayed home with the kids. It was the only time it worked for me to go since I have to care for JP for most of the day tomorrow and have to work concessions tomorrow night, and I wanted to get groceries before Saturday.

I don't know why, but I had a difficult time tonight when I was shopping. I don't know of anything in particular that set me off, but I just kept thinking about Grace and it hurt so much! It hurt! I don't want it to hurt anymore! I want to just forget any of it ever happened. I want to forget we were expecting a baby and she died. I want to forget how happily and naively we were anticipating adding another member to our family, taking for granted that it would happen. I don't want to deal with thinking about it anymore. I don't want my arms to feel so empty and my heart to feel like there's a hole in it. Why can't I just forget?

But at the same time I don't want to forget! She's my baby. How could I want to forget her? I loved her! I still love her! I want to hurt because it makes her more real to me. I want to feel the pain that missing her causes. I need to feel it to know that it all actually happened and that Grace is real. Does that make sense?

Then as I was driving home I suddenly got angry. I was really angry! I was so angry I had tears streaming down my face. I was gritting my teeth together so hard! I wanted to scream! I wanted to hit something! I wasn't angry at God, I was just ANGRY! I was angry at everything that had happened! I was angry that my baby died! We loved Grace! We wanted her! Why did she have to die?! Yes, we learned after she died that she'd had problems, but I want my baby!!! I love her!!!

When I got home, the kids were asleep in bed. Josh came out to help me carry in the groceries. He asked me what was wrong. I told him, or atleast I tried to, but it's so hard to explain. I know my feelings don't make sense, but I can't help it. That's how I feel.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm crying as I write this, but I'm not angry. I needed to type this out though. I'm tired, and I feel drained, and I miss my baby girl.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

Comforting Words

Yesterday in church we sang part of Psalm 139. I've heard and read the words before, but I don't remember ever having sung them.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
-- Psalm 139:13-16

These words really struck a chord with me.

God our Father created Grace. Even with her problems, she was fearfully and wonderfully made. Before we were aware she was growing inside of me, God knew her. In fact, he knew her even before she was conceived. In our minds her life may have been unexpectedly cut short, but not to God. From eternity, God knew the length Grace's temporal life would be. Her earthly purpose was fulfilled. What comfort!

Dust and Ashes

Today I picked up Grace's ashes from the funeral home.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children --
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
-- Psalm 103:13-19

Heartbreak

I am copying and pasting this email that Josh sent to many of our friends and relatives yesterday.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." - Job 1:21

It is with a heavy heart that I share with you the news that the baby we expected to be born in February has died. At a routine check-up this afternoon, our midwife was unable to hear a heartbeat. Two ultrasounds confirmed that there was no heartbeat and no movement. At this point there is no indication as to what caused the death and Melanie is not experiencing any physical problems.

Melanie was half way through the pregnancy and so we are in a somewhat uncertain position - the death will probably be classified as a stillborn, but there is a possibility that they may call it a miscarriage. We also do not know the sex of the baby, both of those questions will have to wait until the baby is delivered. Again, because of the baby's age, Melanie will have to deliver the baby sometime in the next few days - we haven't decided when yet.

We shared the news with our kids this evening and their response was understandably proportional to their age. E cried quite a bit and F simply hugged Melanie and then asked her to read a book. Several of them asked the obvious question, "What happens to babies when they die before they are born?" We had the opportunity to share with them that although the Bible doesn't tell us what happens to babies that haven't been baptized, we trust in God's love and wisdom that He will do what He knows is best even though we may not know or understand what this is.

We thank you for the prayers that we know will be offered on our behalf. We place our trust in our God whose ways are beyond our understanding and whose love for us is larger than we can comprehend. We ask that He gives us the attitude of Job, recognizing that the LORD has given us all things, including our children for us to care for and it is the LORD who also decides when to take them away from us again at the time of His choosing. May the name of the LORD be praised.

I talked to Liz this morning. I am scheduled to go in and be induced Friday morning between 8:00-9:00 am. (We will be taking the older kids to school first, then heading to the hospital which is about 15 min from our house.)

After getting off the phone with Liz, I got a call from the dr she works with. The radiology dept called Dr. A with more detailed u/s results from yesterday since Liz has Wednesdays off. Dr. A said that it looks like the placenta is very near or covering the cervix. She said if the placenta is covering the cervix, that will make a difference in how I am delivered. I don't remember if she said it makes a difference if it is only near the cervix or not. I also don't know what difference it would make in my delivery (I didn't think to ask.), but they scheduled me for another u/s this afternoon at 3:00 so that they can look more closely at the placenta's position.

Dr. A is sharing the info with Liz, and Liz will call me tomorrow to let me know the results and more details.