Thoughts

I really want another little baby, not to replace Grace, but we were expecting another little one. Now we're not. My heart aches for Grace, and my arms yearn to hold her, yet at the same time, they yearn to hold another little baby, too, in addition to Grace. I really don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words. It doesn't seem to come out right.

I think that if we're blessed with more children, I will be worried about the baby throughout the pg, just because of what we've experienced. I knew things like this could happen before it happened to us, but I guess it just wasn't "real" to me. It always happened to other people. Now I KNOW it can happen to us.

Comforting Words

Yesterday in church we sang part of Psalm 139. I've heard and read the words before, but I don't remember ever having sung them.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
-- Psalm 139:13-16

These words really struck a chord with me.

God our Father created Grace. Even with her problems, she was fearfully and wonderfully made. Before we were aware she was growing inside of me, God knew her. In fact, he knew her even before she was conceived. In our minds her life may have been unexpectedly cut short, but not to God. From eternity, God knew the length Grace's temporal life would be. Her earthly purpose was fulfilled. What comfort!

Some Answers

Today I received a phone call from Liz. She'd called on Tuesday to see how I was doing, but I wasn't home, so she just left a message on our machine to say she was thinking of me and hoping I was doing okay. Her call today was for the same purpose, but she'd also received the pathology results from Grace's surgical exam (similar to an autopsy).

The doctor who did the exam found that Grace had no left kidney. She also had micrognathia, a small or underdeveloped jaw. Grace's left leg was "configured differently". The term Liz gave me was "talipes equinovarus" which I found is aka "clubfoot". [I did notice her one foot was turned in when she was born and even pointed it out to Josh but didn't think much of it as one of Gabe's feet looked like that at birth, too. (G didn't have clubfoot though because his tendons and muscles could be stretched so that his foot was turned correctly.)]

Grace also had an undeveloped and hypoplastic thymus or "thymic hypoplasia". I had a hard time finding any information online that talked just about this. Much of what I found associated it with DiGeorge Syndrome, a condition which can include heart defects and immune system problems among other things. Whether or not Grace had this syndrome, we don't know. Liz did say that the combination of all the things the doctor found lead her to believe that Grace probably had some sort of chromosomal problems or syndrome.

I asked Liz if any of these things would have showed up on any of the normal prenatal tests (which we decline) or on a routine u/s halfway through the pregnancy if Grace had been alive. Liz said the missing kidney would have been noticed on the u/s; the thymus problem wouldn't. The triple or quad screening might have raised some red flags. If Grace's issues were chromosomal, they would have shown up on an amniocentesis.

No matter what, Grace, we love you immeasurably and unconditionally, and you will always be in our hearts.

Difficult Morning

Yesterday was an easier day. This morning has been difficult. I suppose it didn't help that a couple of things happened this morning to start the day off less than ideally.

My heart aches so much. I have another little girl, but I can't hold her close in my arms. I want her here, alive and healthy. God, please hold me close and comfort me in your almighty arms. I miss Grace so much!

Changes

This morning I had to call and "report a change" to the state because the younger kids and I (when pg) get state medical insurance as secondary insurance. I had to call the WIC office and let them know, too. Making those calls was harder to do than I'd anticipated, but, all in all, I'm doing alright.

Dust and Ashes

Today I picked up Grace's ashes from the funeral home.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children --
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
-- Psalm 103:13-19

Answering Others' Questions

Many people have asked us various questions about Grace and things relating to the events of the past few days. I will do my best to answer them.

Grace had beautiful and perfectly formed tiny hands, fingers, knees, and toes. Her eyelids were still fused shut. Her nose didn't really protrude much yet. Her sweet little mouth turned down at the corners, just like some of our other kids' mouths. I think she looked a bit like G.

There was no obvious visible reason at birth to indicate why Grace died. Someone at the hospital is doing a "surgical examination" which is similar to an autopsy and can possibly determine if Grace had any heart, kidney, etc. anomalies. We've declined having any genetic testing done.

The kids' responses to Grace's death are very age appropriate. S obviously doesn't understand. F talks a little bit about Grace being dead. G asks some questions and then goes about whatever he was doing. J is one who has to process and think about things for a while. He asks questions and then needs to digest the answers. I think it all finally became real to him on Saturday, and he got a bit sad and teary and cried a little. Of all the kids, it has probably been hardest on E. She has such a tender, caring heart anyway. She wrote down some things she wanted to say to Grace and read them to her at the hospital. She's written a poem and drawn pictures of Grace. She asks lots of questions and has cried quite a bit. She's been making up songs about Grace, too. I think it's good that she's been expressing herself so much. We've told the kids it's okay to cry and be sad and okay not to cry, and we've told them they can always ask us questions or talk about Grace. We don't want them to feel they can't talk about what happened or hold it in, but sometimes it's really hard to listen to them. We don't discourage them though.

We are having a funeral with just our pastor, Josh, the kids, and me today at 5:00 at the funeral home. Grace will be in a closed casket. The funeral will basically just be a devotion, I think, probably lasting 10-15 minutes. We are going to stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, 1 from each of us (We're letting the kids chose whatever color they want Grace's rose from them to be.) to lay on the top of her casket. Then we decided to have Grace's remains cremated. We plan to buy a tree (We may have to wait til spring. I don't know if we can plant a tree now around here with the cold weather coming. There may not be enough time for the tree's roots to get established in the ground.) and plant the tree in our yard and bury Grace's ashes around the tree. Someone asked what if we move? I think I'd be okay with that. After all, it would only be Grace's earthly remains there. She really isn't there because her soul is in its eternal home.

Physically I'm doing very well. I was a little sore "down below" on Saturday, but it was from my midwife and the dr pushing against my bones there when they were trying to get the placenta out rather than the birthing process. My back was really, really sore due to the epidural. When the anethesiologist had put it in, he hit a vein first, so he had to redo the epidural. I think that's why my back was so sore. It's pretty much back to normal now.

Emotionally and spiritually I'm doing okay. I'm able to take care of the kids and things around the house. It helps to have the other children and "life" to take my mind off what has happened at times. I've cried and cried and cried some more. Sometimes my heart just aches so much to have Grace here, healthy and alive. Josh and I have talked alot to each other about these things. Sometimes I feel like I say the same things over and over. Sometimes I just need to say, "I just want to hold my baby. I miss my baby," and cry. I never saw Grace alive except for that very first u/s when she was, as I said at the time, "a fluttering fuzzy white spot", but I love her and miss her so much. Josh is so good about being there and listening and holding me and letting me cry. Through it all, my biggest comfort is that God, in his unfathomable wisdom, had a reason for this to happen. We may never know why, but we trust in God's wisdom and grace.

In the days between the time we learned Grace had died and when she was delivered, I had the refrains from the songs Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63 and Step By Step by Rich Mullins constantly going through my mind. I hadn't heard those songs for a long time, but in the midst of my sadness, I believe God chose to play these songs over and over in my head. They are upbeat songs of praise not sorrow, but they gave me alot of comfort, reaffirming that God is in control of all things and that in all things we praise him.

Blessed Be Your Name refrain
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your glorious name.

Step By Step refrain
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
I will seek You in the morning,
And I will learn to walk in Your ways,
And step by step You'll lead me,
And I will follow You all of my days.

Another Day

This afternoon JF came over to watch the kids while Josh and I went to the funeral home to talk to the funeral director. We made the arrangements for Grace's funeral tomorrow. It will just be Pastor R, Josh, the kids, and me.

Yesterday JF brought supper over for us. Tonight KS brought us supper.

People have been so supportive, sympathetic, and caring during this sad time for our family. It means so much that so many people care and have been praying for us. Words just don't describe how grateful we are and how much it means to us. Thank you.

U/S Results

According to yesterday's u/s, I don't have placenta previa. I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning.

Baby's age was determined to be 16 wks 4 dys. Baby should have been 20 wks 1 dy yesterday.

Today

Today I sewed a blanket for the baby. In talking with Liz yesterday, I realized that the baby will be too small for clothes, even preemie ones, and I want the baby to be wrapped in something from us. I don't know yet if I want the blanket back afterward or not. I can decide later.

The blanket is very simple. I took a piece of flannel fabric with pastel teddy bears on it and some other material that is pale pastel blue and sewed them together so that one side is the bears and the other side the blue. Then I sewed a heart into each of the 4 corners of the blanket.

Afterward I thought of how, in the old days, people used to sew death shrouds for their loved ones who had died. I could see it as an act of love.

I had the same u/s tech for today's u/s that I had yesterday. She was so kind and understanding. She asked me if I wanted a picture of the baby (which I had decided to ask for before going in). She gave me a picture of the baby's arm and hand and another of the baby's profile. I asked her if she could find out if it was a boy or girl. She said she'd try, but she couldn't get a good enough view to tell. We'll know soon enough.

In addition to checking the placenta's position, she took some measurements of the baby. Of the 4 measurements I saw, they came up as 15 wks, 16 wks, and 2 at 17 wks. I didn't see how many days each measurement was in addition to the weeks. She didn't tell me what she'd found with the placenta's position, but I saw her type "no placenta previa" on the screen, so I'm assuming things will progress on Friday morning much like Liz said when she talked to us yesterday. I will find out for sure tomorrow when I talk to Liz about the u/s results.

I also spent alot of time today on the phone making arrangements for the kids for Friday.

Heartbreak

I am copying and pasting this email that Josh sent to many of our friends and relatives yesterday.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." - Job 1:21

It is with a heavy heart that I share with you the news that the baby we expected to be born in February has died. At a routine check-up this afternoon, our midwife was unable to hear a heartbeat. Two ultrasounds confirmed that there was no heartbeat and no movement. At this point there is no indication as to what caused the death and Melanie is not experiencing any physical problems.

Melanie was half way through the pregnancy and so we are in a somewhat uncertain position - the death will probably be classified as a stillborn, but there is a possibility that they may call it a miscarriage. We also do not know the sex of the baby, both of those questions will have to wait until the baby is delivered. Again, because of the baby's age, Melanie will have to deliver the baby sometime in the next few days - we haven't decided when yet.

We shared the news with our kids this evening and their response was understandably proportional to their age. E cried quite a bit and F simply hugged Melanie and then asked her to read a book. Several of them asked the obvious question, "What happens to babies when they die before they are born?" We had the opportunity to share with them that although the Bible doesn't tell us what happens to babies that haven't been baptized, we trust in God's love and wisdom that He will do what He knows is best even though we may not know or understand what this is.

We thank you for the prayers that we know will be offered on our behalf. We place our trust in our God whose ways are beyond our understanding and whose love for us is larger than we can comprehend. We ask that He gives us the attitude of Job, recognizing that the LORD has given us all things, including our children for us to care for and it is the LORD who also decides when to take them away from us again at the time of His choosing. May the name of the LORD be praised.

I talked to Liz this morning. I am scheduled to go in and be induced Friday morning between 8:00-9:00 am. (We will be taking the older kids to school first, then heading to the hospital which is about 15 min from our house.)

After getting off the phone with Liz, I got a call from the dr she works with. The radiology dept called Dr. A with more detailed u/s results from yesterday since Liz has Wednesdays off. Dr. A said that it looks like the placenta is very near or covering the cervix. She said if the placenta is covering the cervix, that will make a difference in how I am delivered. I don't remember if she said it makes a difference if it is only near the cervix or not. I also don't know what difference it would make in my delivery (I didn't think to ask.), but they scheduled me for another u/s this afternoon at 3:00 so that they can look more closely at the placenta's position.

Dr. A is sharing the info with Liz, and Liz will call me tomorrow to let me know the results and more details.

20 Weeks

I had my 20 wk prenatal appt with Liz today. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried first with the doppler, then brought the bedside u/s into to try and find it. She still didn't see a HB, so she sent me to the u/s dept to get a u/s tech to do one with a better u/s. Still no HB. Our precious little baby has died. I'm being induced in the next couple of days.

I can't believe this is happening. I don't want this to be happening.