Bittersweet Thanksgiving

I am so thankful to God for all of the wonderful blessings he had given me. But this Thanksgiving is also bittersweet, as it is also Hannah's first birthday.

One year ago today my healing yet scarred heart was torn apart again as I learned another of our babies had died before birth. So much of the day was deja vu of what had happened just over a year earlier.

I don't want to dwell on the sadness and heartache, but I can't help remembering. And while I remember, I give thanks to the Lord that he did bless us with these two little girls who, while they were alive, I was able to cradle in my womb. I thank him that I was able to hold them in my arms, even though it was only their earthly bodies. I can no longer touch them, hold them, kiss them, but my love for them is still just as strong as if I could.

Remembering

Today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I am remembering those babies who died before birth or while still infants. You are still loved and not forgotten, Grace, Hannah, Annie, Samuel, Zoe, Rain, Chloe, Caden, Abigail, Lalah, Charis, Ethan, Heidi, Gracie, Josiah, Ephraim, and other beloved nameless little ones.

Two Years

Two years ago today was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life.

My midwife, the most wonderful midwife in the whole world, gave us this Precious Moment figurine in Grace's memory. Grace's name and birthdate are written on the bottom. (She gave us a matching one with Hannah's name and birthdate on the bottom, too.)

I miss you everyday, but I'm especially missing you today on your 2nd birthday, dear daughter.

Another Fall

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiates 3:1 & 4

The leaves are turning. The nights are cool, perfect sleeping-weather. But I'm not ready for summer to be over yet.

My feelings aren't really about wanting warmer weather to stay. Both Grace and Hannah were born in the fall. It seems my mind is subconsiously trying to deny fall's imminence because the last two autumns have held such sadness. I know the season had nothing to do with the girls' deaths, but they are linked in my mind. I think my subconscious denial of fall is my brain's way of trying to shield me from pain, even if it doesn't make logical sense.

Grace and Hannah have been in my thoughts even more than usual the past couple of weeks. My emotions in regard to them are nearer to the surface again. I know it's because their birthdays are approaching. In a way, I just want to get past the dates so that I don't have to keep thinking that their birthdays are coming up.

I love my baby girls. I want to remember them, and I know I will never forget them, but I don't want to feel the sorrow and pain so acutely.

Rest In Peace

Today we buried Hannah's ashes under the gingko tree we planted in memory of Grace and her.

There's no special reason that we did it today. Originally we had to wait til the weather warmed up in order to dig up the ground. Then it seemed we'd only remember to do it at times that didn't work. Both of our baby girls' remains are now laid to rest in the same place.

But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Isaiah 26:19

Raining

Today is Hannah's due date. It's a day I'd looked forward to with such anticipation. All of our children have been born before their due dates, so, had things turned out differently, Hannah probably wouldn't have been born today either, but a due date is a due date ... a day on the calendar to look forward to with anxiety and excitement.

But today it's raining outside, in my heart, and down my cheeks.

I miss you so much, Hannah.

Praise You in the Storm

by Casting Crowns

Amen.

He Is Here

Isn't it providential when your heart is weighted down and you read something that speaks to it and brings you comfort? The devotion I read yesterday from The One Year Book of Hope did just that.

The devotion talked about how people try to make sense out of their suffering, but that isn't really what matters. The author quotes a friend when she says on p. 126, "I think it just comes down to this ... God is with us, and that is enough." The author also admits that "there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me. It has seemed like the cop-out answer when he wasn't doing something for me. I have wanted what he has to offer more than I have wanted him." (Second emphasis mine.) Indeed! Yet, his presence is enough, and no matter where we are, he is there! The words of Psalm 139:7-10 reiterate this truth.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

He is here with me. It is enough.

Wondering

I know a number of people who are due and having babies this month and in the near future. I rejoice with these friends, yet, at the same time, this happy news hits me especially hard. Is it because Hannah's due date is so close? I keep thinking that, had things turned out differently, Hannah could have been born by this Easter.

Will I always cry when I learn of another's pregnancy? Will the tears always fall when a friend or relative is blessed with a new child? Will I always feel this painful searing when I see a friend's child who was born when my girls were due and think of how old Grace or Hannah would have been and what they might have been doing?

Will I always feel sick to my stomach when I hear of aborted babies the same gestational age as my daughters, able to picture the size and physical maturity of these little souls? I've always been horrified by abortion and known it was wrong, but now I see the faces of my baby girls when I hear of it.

Will my heart always be ripped apart when I hear news stories of abandoned, unwanted babies?

How long will it be until I can drive past the hospital where Grace and Hannah were born and not have a physical reaction to being near it? Unbidden tears, fast beating heart, difficulty breathing ...

How long, oh, Lord? Please grant me peace.

The First Due Date That Wasn't

Remembering Grace on the 1 yr anniversary of her due date. Rest in peace, sweet one. I love you and always will.

Edited to add:
SS and her kids stopped by today just before lunch to bring me a card and some beautiful pink roses. I invited them to stay for lunch, which they did, before they headed back home.

More Test Results

On Thursday I finally heard back from my mw Liz. All of the blood work I had done for clotting disorders came back normal except that they discovered I carry one copy of the C677T mutation for MTHRF. However, this is not uncommon. Two copies of the mutation could lead to miscarriage and stillbirth, but the mother having only one copy of it is not associated with any increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. So it doesn't seem that any clotting disorders contributed to Grace's or Hannah's deaths.

Where do we go from here? Liz said if we wanted, the next step would be to talk to a genetic counselor. Neither Josh nor I are inclined to go that route as we both feel that from here on out, definitive answers will be elusive.

Endocrinology Test Results

Yesterday I had my follow up appt with the endocrinologist, Dr. L. All of the bloodwork she did came back normal. No elevated thyroid antibodies. No high androgen or testosterone levels. Good lipid panel, HDL, LDL, glucose, and progesterone levels. No hypothyroidism. Dr. L did, however, say that, while my androgen and testosterone levels were normal, I did meet the criteria for PCOS based on other "soft markers" that I have.

We discussed treatment for my mild PCOS with metformin (glucophage) as many women with PCOS are insulin resistant or insulin sensitive and you can't really test for it without doing clinical trials because your glucose levels can still test normal for a while. Dr. L also mentioned how the ovaries are very sensitive to insulin levels. I asked her if my not being on metformin during my pgs could account for the losses, and she said usually pg losses due to PCOS occur much earlier in the pg.

We talked about 3 different scenarios regarding taking metformin:

1. If she was me and wanted to get pg again, she'd take the metformin to give the baby every chance of doing well.

2. I could take the metformin even if I wasn't planning to get pg again. It may help with some of those "soft markers" I deal with.

3. I could opt not to take the metformin if not planning to get pg again. Since the PCOS issues I deal with aren't severe, this would be okay if they don't bother me much. She suggested that if I do this, I should get my glucose levels tested once a year.

Dr. L said that taking or not taking the metformin was up to me since my PCOS and symptoms are fairly mild and that she would support me whatever I choose to do.

At one point in our discussion, I started crying. I couldn't help it. The news she was telling me wasn't bad. However, it seemed to say that we still didn't have any real answers as to why our little girls (especially Hannah) died. I just want answers. I want to know why.

On the drive to my appt I was praying, but I didn't know exactly what to pray for. It's not that I want something to be wrong with me, but if there was something like these things Dr. L tested for, it would be a probable answer. I was almost positive I'd be diagnosed with hypothyroidism since so many of the symptoms fit me, but my blood work levels discounted that. I want to have the "assurance" that if I would get pg again I could take medication or do something else that would put the odds of giving birth to a healthy, living baby overwhelmingly in my favor. Instead, I still feel that it's all an unknown and I don't have anymore "assurance" than before since it seems we still don't know what went wrong in the first place.

I'm still waiting to hear from my mw on the results of all that blood work she did testing for clotting disorders. I'm a bit surprised I haven't heard back from her yet as she's usually really good about getting back to me. I called her on Monday and left a message. I know she's out of the office today, but if I don't hear back from her by tomorrow morning, I'm going to call her again.

I have a feeling the results of the blood work she ordered will come back normal, too.

Abandoning Our Agendas

Shortly after delivering Hannah, a friend loaned me the book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I'd never heard of the book before, but my friend had gotten it when dealing with some difficult things herself, and it had been recommended to her by someone she knew who had suffered 2 late pg losses.

The book is a 52 wk devotional that explores various topics in the Bible with which those suffering pain and disappointment wrestle. It is not specifically written for people who have lost someone they love, but it's certainly fitting for them. The book offers hope to those experiencing the difficult things of this earthly life without being condescending or minimizing the reality of the hurt.

I'm currently on wk 7 of the devotions. So many of the daily writings have hit home for me. It felt like the one for today was written especially for me. Not only did I have an "ah-ha moment", but it was like I was being hit over the head with a 2x4 to make certain I didn't miss it's relevancy to me.

Today's devotion was based on Matthew 10:39. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Guthrie writes on p. 52:

Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only he gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful ... The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.

Wow! Does that ever go straight to my heart and pierce it!

God, I admit to wanting things my way and getting fiercely upset when you don't let them go that way. In my heart I believe that you want what's best for me and are creating it, but sometimes I feel torn apart when things don't seem to progress in the way my puny mind deems best. Forgive me for my mortal short-sightedness and faltering faith. Help me focus on you and the cross, ever thankful for the gift of your son and always trusting in your eternal focus. Amen.

Unscheduled

Today is the day I was scheduled to have my 2nd level 2 u/s. I would have been 26 wks along with Hannah. Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much hope or sadness attached to a number on the calendar. I miss you, sweet baby girl.

Whatever You're Doing

This song by Sanctus Real has really become meaningful to me. I feel like it describes so much of what I've been feeling. I don't know why God allowed such sorrow to enter my life, but I can tell he's changing me through it. So many times I feel all mixed up inside, not knowing where God is leading me, how I will look when he's finished molding me, but I know I need to trust in him, surrendering all to the one who can "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)

My Medical Update

I had my appt with the endocrinologist today. She ended up doing a u/s on my thyroid. It's about 1 1/2 times the size it should be. Except for a few tiny cysts, it looks good which leads her to believe that my thyroid antibodies are elevated and that's what's making my thyroid larger. Elevated thyroid antibody levels occur before your other thyroid levels rise which may be why the thyroid test I had at the beginning of this last pg came back normal. Elevated thyroid antibody levels could possibly cause m/c. She also seems to suspect PCOS (which she said can also lead to m/c) and sent me to have bloodwork done to check my hormone levels for that as well as the thyroid levels. I have to make an appt with her in a couple of weeks to talk with her about the results of the bloodwork and where to go from there, depending on the results.

On Thursday I have my 6 wk PP check-up with my mw. She told me at my 2 wk PP check-up that she'll have my bloodwork to test for clotting disorders done at this next appt, too.

So, we still don't know anything definite, but may be getting closer to some answers.

I've been reading the book of Job lately along with a commentary on it. I don't rejoice in Job's suffering, and I know he had things much worse than I do, but it's comforting to know that his suffering wasn't a punishment and that even when things go badly, God is still in control and he has a reason for those things.