Two of Us in Heaven

Josh used a laser engraver and made this beautiful etching for me for Christmas.

I had to take the picture looking down at it to avoid getting a reflection in the glass. The glass is a 9x16" rectangle.

Josh used E, F, and himself as models by using a digital camera to take pics. Then he converted the pics to the "sketch" style and had the engraver etch the glass.

The writing on the top of the wood holding up the glass has the title of the piece, Two of Us in Heaven. Underneath the title it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:1

On the bottom of the wood, Josh engraved the following:

This image was created in loving memory of my two stillborn daughters, Grace Eleanor [last name] (10/5/07) and Hannah Meredith [last name] (11/26/08), for my wife, Melanie. The inspiration for this image came from my daughter E, who, shortly after Hannah's birth, told us that she thought Grace would be welcoming Hannah into Heaven, where the two of them would be waiting for us. The image is meant to depict little Hannah, timidly approaching a welcoming Jesus, while her older sister, Grace, offers her a hand, encouraging Hannah to come meet Jesus, her Savior that she has already had the chance to meet. The title of the image, "Two of Us in Heaven", comes from a short song that E made up after Hannah's birth. It is my prayer that this image offers hope, encouragement and joy (though it may be mixed with earthly sorrow) to everyone who sees it.

- Joshua [middle initial, last name] 12/24/08

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. - Job 1:21

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? - Job 11:7

I cried and cried when I opened it. It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! What a wonderful, loving husband God has blessed me with!

Finding Peace

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep and my mind just kept going, not wanting to shut down, wrestling with my thoughts and feelings. In the midst of all the things swirling through my head, there emerged a sense of peace, that everything would be okay, that I would be okay. I'd known this in my head all along, but now I felt it in my heart. I know that feelings can be fickle, and my heart still hurts, but I thank God for giving me this sense of peace.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest of gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love. Psalm 107:13-15

Difficult Time

I'm just having a very difficult time emotionally lately. No, I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression and have been on meds for that for years. But I hurt! The past few days my tears have been just below the surface if not breaking through.

It's Christmastime, a time we celebrate our Savior's birth. My oldest child's birthday is in 2 days. My newest niece was just born yesterday. A friend just discovered she's pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and am so thankful to God for sending his son. I'm happy for my daughter as I see how excited she is about her upcoming birthday, and I thank God for blessing us with her. I rejoice with my family members and friends over a newborn baby and the discovery of new life.

... Yet at the same time I weep.

Why, God? I prayed for Hannah before she was conceived. I prayed for her daily, many times a day, since we learned of her existence ... that she would be born healthy and alive at term. Why, God? I feel like she was stolen from me, yet I know you only loaned her to us for a short time, but did it have to be for so short of a time? What are you trying to teach me, God? And why did you have to do it in this way? Please help me to learn what you want me to know and ease my pain.

Lonely, Empty

Lately I've been feeling lonely and empty. I think a good part of it has to do with the introspective thoughts I've been having, especially in regard to missing my babies and trying to figure out what the future holds for us. It's not that I feel lonely because I think no one else has experienced similar things. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's it ... that I'm alone in my head with my thoughts and feelings and am having trouble putting them into words.

I can tell that I've been looking to Josh to fill me up so that I don't feel this way, but then I realized that I can't go to him for that. God is the one I need to rely on to make me feel whole and full again. As much as my husband is my heart and my other half, it's not something he can do. There is only one who can, and it is to Him I must go.

Re-engraved Ring

Today I picked up my footprints ring from the jewelry store.

I knew that they might have problems with the maker's marks being in the way when they tried to add more engraving. When I dropped it off, I assured them that they could put the engraving over the stamped marks in the ring.

When I picked it up today, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the jeweler had buffed out the imprints on the inside of the ring so that now all that's in there is Grace's and Hannah's names and birthdates. It turned out beautifully!

Answers But No Answers

I had my 2 wk postpartum appt with Liz today. She had the results from Hannah's surgical exam. Hannah had no physical abnormalities and was the size of a 14 wk unborn baby. Although that doesn't totally rule out chromosomal problems (We didn't have any genetic testing done.), it does make me feel better that she doesn't seem to have had the same issues Grace did. However, that still means that we don't have any answers as to why she died.

Next time I see Liz, at my 6 wk postpartum visit, I'm scheduled to have the blood work done to look for medical issues I might have, including PCOS, which she suspects I also have (even though that wouldn't have contributed to the girls' deaths*). She also gave me the name of and referral to an endocrinologist who focuses on thyroid and menstrual issues and PCOS. I plan to make an appt soon.

* I have since learned that PCOS can lead to miscarriage. -- Note added 12/17/08

Waiting with Deep Thoughts

We're still waiting for answers on Hannah's surgical exam.

I don't know if I want Hannah's exam and the blood work I'm going to have done find something or not. I feel broken; do I want tests to confirm that? If the tests come back with something that can be taken care of, do we want to try for a baby again? Hannah's pg was hard emotionally because of losing Grace; could I handle another one emotionally? And if we'd decide not to try again or if we can't, am I ready for that? It's so hard to think that we might not have another baby here on earth to love, that I might not be pg again. I don't love being pg, but the thought of not going through it one more time ... At the same time that I'm mourning Hannah's death, I'm mourning the thought that my childbearing years might be over. I just don't know, and I suppose I'm jumping the gun since we still don't have any results back and haven't even had the blood work yet. It's just weighing heavily on me.

Clay for the Potter

Yesterday at church in Bible Class we talked about praying dangerously, asking God to put you in situations in which you can't but help share your faith. Why is this dangerous praying? Because so many of us are afraid or anxious about sharing our faith with others, nervous that we won't know what to say, will say the wrong thing, or will be mocked ... and, as was quoted in the Bible study, we know that if we pray for God to put us in such situations, he will answer our prayer.

I must shamefacedly admit that this is not a prayer I pray. Even with all the years of religious training I've had (religion classes in Christian elementary school and high school, 4 years of college studying to be a Christian school teacher which included many Bible history and doctrine classes), I'm still scared to witness my faith to others. I don't want anyone to spend eternity in hell, yet I'm afraid to tell them about Jesus and his saving love.

Yet in the past year, God has given me a multitude of opportunities to share my faith, especially in light of losing Grace and Hannah. Even though I haven't prayed for these chances to witness, he has provided them, although certainly not in ways I would have chosen. And, regardless of my weakness of faith, I can't help but share it with others when talking about my precious girls. Despite the shortcomings of my faith, my trust in God and his love is part of who I am.

God wants us to pray and share his Word. He tells us to. Yet even when we don't pray as we should, asking him to use us, he still shapes us to do his will.

We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

A friend shared this poem with me.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~author unkown~

Adding Engraving

Today I when out grocery shopping, I stopped at the jewelry store and dropped off my footprints ring to have engraving with Hannah's name and birthdate added to the inside.

Arrangements Made

E ended up staying home from school yesterday since she was sick the night before and had a slight fever in the morning. Consequently I didn't end up taking care of EZ during the day. E was doing better in the afternoon, so Josh, the kids, and I ended up going to the funeral home at 4:30 to fill out the paperwork and make the arrangements. All the kids were very quiet and well-behaved while we were there. The older 3 kids took their homework along to work on.

We are having Hannah's body cremated. Her funeral is at 5:00 on Friday evening. We've asked Pastor R to just do a devotion again, similar to last time. (How I hate the fact that I can say "last time".) We will just have her ashes put in a temporary urn again. Since that just looks like a small plastic box, the funeral director said they can put the urn into a casket for the funeral. Then we can take Hannah's ashes and the urn home with us when the funeral is over, and I won't have to go back to the funeral home again to pick them up.

We will stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, each of us picking out the color we want, to lay by Hannah's casket.

Josh and I have decided to bury Hannah's ashes in the ground around Grace's gingko tree which will then be in memory of both of them. We'll have to wait til spring to do it though. I really like the idea of both of their ashes being together even though it's only their earthly remains. It makes me think of them both being together in their eternal home.

Hidden Perfection

The past couple of days I've been thinking about the end of my What is Strength? post where I quoted 2 Samuel 22:33 which talks about God making our ways perfect, and I said mine didn't feel perfect now.

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize how even God's perfect plan of salvation didn't seem perfect to his people at the time. The Jews anticipated the Messiah would be an earthly king. Did Peter understand the full implications of what the church leaders were doing when they came to arrest Jesus and Peter cut off the servant's ear? And Mary ... as she stood at the foot of the cross, watching her beloved son die a torturous death at the hands of people who loathed him ... Did God's plan of salvation seem perfect to her then?

Simeon foretold that a sword would pierce her own soul, too (Luke 2:35). Pierce? Talk about an understatement! It was no pinprick! Rip, tear, shred, cleave, lacerate! God would make her way perfect through this?

And don't think for one minute that our Heavenly Father was immune to the pain either. This was his son, HIS OWN SINLESS SON he was allowing hateful, black-souled humans to murder. And why? To save filthy, wretched mankind from an eternity of damnation ... because he loves those same repulsively soiled people. This was the path to perfection?

Yes, it was!

Jesus' disciples and followers only had to wait 3 days before the perfection of the plan was revealed to them in Jesus' resurrection. Even then their earthly minds couldn't comprehend the full ramifications of what had happened. Neither will ours until we join our Savior one day in heavenly glory.

I don't know how God plans to make my way perfect through the recent events in my life. It's taking more than 3 days for him to show it to me. I am battered and bruised, and I cry out to him in my distress. Yet in the midst of my sorrow, I know he will make my way perfect.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

Looking for Answers

The funeral home called today. We can't get up there today or tomorrow, especially since they close at 5:00 and have a few funerals tomorrow afternoon, and I'll have EZ then. (I said I was willing to care for him this week.) Josh and I plan to go on Wednesday after lunch to meet with the funeral director. I just want to get it done with, but we can't make it til then.

Many people have asked if we have been given any reason as to why Hannah died. As I mentioned in her birth story, there were no obvious signs at her birth to indicate why she died. The level 2 ultrasound I had done at 13 wks didn't show any problems at all.

We are having a surgical exam done on Hannah as we did with Grace. Whether or not that gives us any answers, I will also most likely have some bloodwork done after 6 wks postpartum to check for things I might have developed (like a clotting disorder or some types of infections) which may have led to losing Hannah. Liz has talked to the drs she works with and come up with a list of things for which to test.

What is Strength?

The past few days many people have told me (or told Josh who told me) that I am strong or that they admire my strong faith. I don't feel that my faith or I are very strong.

Sometimes I feel like a crumbling wall. The only reason I haven't completely toppled is because God is bracing me and shoring up my pebbles. The disintegration has nothing to do with the Almighty Builder but with the cracks I wedge wider. At the same time that I am collapsing, he is restructuring. I am not the one with the strength.

Don't people always say that the survivor is strong at times like this? What would be the determining factor for an onlooker to say the person wasn't strong?

I am asking why this happened. I am crying out in my sorrow.

I hurt. There is a hole in my heart that had started scarring over but has been ripped open anew and deeper. I want my baby. I want both of my babies.

Do people think my faith is strong because I mention relying on God? I'm leaning on him because I am weak. If it wasn't for him, I'd fall completely apart, not just partially. He is the one assembling the wall faster than it's falling down. I am not helping. I am the child standing beside him whining, "Why are you doing it that way, God? I don't like how it looks. Why couldn't it just have stayed the way it was before?"

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

But it doesn't feel perfect right now, God.

4 Sisters

E and F made up this song with actions.

Hannah Meredith

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? Job 11:7

On Tuesday I had a routine prenatal appt with my midwife Liz, 18 wks into my pregnancy. Liz couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She tried to find it with the in-room u/s but couldn't, so she sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to do one. (It was the same tech who confirmed Grace's death.) The u/s's confirmed that once again, our baby had died.

Earlier that day my sister R stopped by our house to visit us on her way home from college to my parents' house. She was planning to stay for supper. After my appt she offered to stay and watch the kids as long as we needed.

Since we were heading to the hospital only a couple hours after finding out the baby had died, I didn't have time to sew a blanket as I'd done for Grace. I still wanted to wrap the baby in something from us rather than just the hospital's blanket, so I found a piece of green knit fabric (We still didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl.) which I knew wouldn't unravel and just cut a section of the fabric to take along.

Josh and I returned to the hospital that night around 7:00. I was given doses of cytotec throughout the night to induce labor. Thankfully I was able to sleep some that night, as was Josh.

Around 6:00 the next morning I was given my 4th dose of cytotec. After that the cramping and contractions picked up. I was getting pretty uncomfortable by 7:00, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me a walking epidural (intrathecal). That really helped. I could have gotten up and walked around, but I didn't want to since I was having a lot of bloody show.

Somewhere around this time, I felt something shift. When the nurse checked me, some of the bag of waters had come past my cervix, but I was still only about a 2. The baby was still up in my uterus.

Another 2-3 hours passed. The walking epidural was starting to wear off, so I asked for the anesthesiologist to come up again. This time he gave me a regular epidural.

Since Josh and I hadn't eaten a meal yet, we ordered some late breakfast around 10:30. When it got there, I tried to sit up in bed to eat, but I couldn't sit up on my own without pulling myself up with my arms grabbing onto something. I wasn't expecting it. I've had epidurals before, but maybe they just weren't as strong because I'd never had that feeling before. It really scared me, and then I felt like I was having trouble breathing. That scared me even more, and it almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

The anesthesiologist came back up and poked me with a tiny needle to see where I had feeling and assured me that the epidural was working the way it was supposed to and wasn't too high of a dose. That made me feel alot better, and I was able to relax. In fact, I could still move my left leg a bit, but my right leg was like lead. I couldn't do anything with it which actually brought a bit of levity to the situation as we laughed when the nurses wanted me to move or something, and I couldn't move that leg. I had to use my arm and move the leg, but then the leg fell right back down, so Josh and the nurses had to help me.

Liz wasn't able to be there on Wednesday, so the other mw, Jess, was. (Jess was there as the OB nurse with Liz when Grace was born.)

Around noon when Jess checked me, she decided to break my water since the bag was still there and bulging but it was hard to tell how far I was dilated, and I'd been that way for a while.

Not long after that, after only one push, Hannah Meredith was born at 12:07 pm on Wednesday, 11/26/08, exactly 5 months before her due date. There were no visible signs at her birth to indicate why she had died.

Once again, the placenta didn't want to come out. It was attached at the top of the fundus, and Jess and the nurse worked for a while to try and get it out. Finally Jess decided to get the dr on call to come and help. It happened to be Dr. D, the same dr who was on call last time and asked to do the same thing. This time, however, he seemed to do less manual manipulation and used the instruments a bit more, which, although uncomfortable, didn't seem as uncomfortable as before. Thankfully Dr. D was able to remove all the placenta and I didn't need a D&C.

I was given pitocin afterwards to help control the bleeding as well as 3 rounds of antibiotics as a precaution because of all the "work" Jess and Dr. D had to do to remove the placenta.

Hannah weighed 46 grams and was 5 1/4" long. She was smaller than Grace which makes me wonder exactly when she died. I'd thought for sure that I was feeling movement atleast up til Sunday. Was it all just in my mind? It really makes me question myself. I should know what baby movement feels like. It almost makes me feel sick that I thought I was feeling Hannah move and she might have already been dead. I can't dwell on it though and beat myself up over it.

Hannah had beautiful long fingers and a sweet little mouth that almost seemed to be smiling.

As much as it hurts to go through this a second time, we know that God is with us and will not forsake us. Although we cannot fathom his reasons in this, we trust in him, rest in the strength of his love, and cling to his promise that he works all for our good.

Revised Blog Purpose

Josh and the kids brought me home from the hospital today. I am quite sore but doing okay.

I am in the process of editing this blog to include Hannah's story as well as Grace's. Some of Hannah's posts will be interspersed with Grace's as they are arranged chronologically according to posting dates, and I'm taking some of them from our family blog. If you want to be sure to read all of Hannah's entries, you can click on Hannah in the sidebar on the right under "Post Categories".

Please note that if you choose to leave comments, they are moderated, so you do not need to post again when your comment doesn't show up immediately.

Maybe it seems odd that I am doing this so soon, but it helps me to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings and process what happened in this way. I also feel it's a way for me to show my love for my daughters by acknowledging their short lives.

Hospital Update

Got to the hospital around 7:00 last night. Was given cytotec throughout the night and thankfully was able to sleep some.

Hannah Meredith was born a little after noon today.

Through her sadness, E observed, "Atleast Hannah gets to know one of her siblings since Grace is with her."

I plan to come home tomorrow.

Deja Vu

I had my 18 wk prenatal appt w/ my mw this afternoon. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried for quite a while, then tried on the in-room u/s, then sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to check. Still no HB.

This feels like deja vu. I can't believe it's happening again. I'm numb.

Josh and I are going to the hospital tonight for me to be induced. Please keep our family in your prayers.

Thankful

I'm thankful for feeling definite baby movement lately which is helping ease my mind.

On an expecting board that I visit, one of the women just discovered at her u/s that her baby had died, and she is being induced. It brings back so many painful memories, but I'm thankful my God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and he will never leave [me], nor forsake [me]. (Joshua 1:5c)

Where's the Baby?

S says "baby" and when asked where the baby is, he will point to my tummy, although he actually usually points quite a bit high!

Anxiety

I'm just over 16 wks into this pg, and I'm having a difficult time this week. Although we didn't discover Grace had died til I was 20 wks along, it was determined that she had died around 16 1/2 wks. I'm so scared, anxious, and emotional right now.

I keep thinking about how this baby is the same size as Grace. I can picture what this baby looks like since I held Grace in my arms.

I think I've felt movement, but nothing definite yet, so I don't have that reassurance. I'm still getting by wearing my next-size-up regular clothes, not maternity clothes yet. I suppose I should be happy about that, but I never got into maternity clothes with Grace and I wasn't worried at the time because I figured I'd get big enough in time. Now I'm scared I won't get into maternity clothes again.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those at-home doppler machines so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat and be reassured, but I'd probably end up scaring myself instead when I couldn't find a heartbeat that's really there.

I wish I had another appt with Liz really soon, but I think my next one is the week of Thanksgiving.

I don't want to be on pins and needles this whole pg. I want to enjoy it, but it's so hard! Doubts and fears keep worming their way in.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Oh, God, I'm trying! Please help me!

2nd Tri Morning Sickness?

I want to know why morning sickness is bothering me more in my 2nd tri than in my 1st?!

14 Wk MW Appt

I had a regular appt with my midwife Liz today and got to hear baby's heartbeat again ... 155. My BP was 118/60, and I've gained 1 1/2 lbs since my first appt.

My appt today was also for a complete physical. When Liz checked my thyroid, she said it felt puffy. I asked if it could have anything to do with the fact that I'd been sick recently and was still coughing. She said it might, but if my thyroid was the same at my next appt in a month, she wants me to see an endocrinologist. I had a lot of bloodwork done before getting pregnant this time, including checking my thyroid levels, which came back fine. However, Liz said she still feels I should get it checked by an endocrinologist, but she said not to worry. We'll see what happens at my next prenatal appt.

We told the kids about the baby at supper tonight. Faith's preK class has a letter train they do where every day they focus on 2 letters of the alphabet and they get to bring in an item for each letter that starts with that letter. Tomorrow's letters are U and V. The older kids usually like to help think of what she could bring, so at the supper table we were discussing what Faith could take along. Finally I said, "I know what Faith can take for U. How about this?" and I pulled out one of my u/s pics from last week. The kids were very excited. Elizabeth said she knew it (She's been saying for the past couple weeks that she thinks I'm pg.). So, Faith is taking a copy of a u/s pic in to school for the letter U, and Elizabeth wants to take a copy of a u/s pic along to show her friends.

13 Wk Level 2 Ultrasound

My u/s went well. I was so scared, nervous, anxious, and all those other feelings. It doesn't help that I had a bad dream last night about the u/s. I know it was just a dream, but it didn't help.

The perinatologist checked out the baby's bladder, kidneys, neck, limbs, brain, heart, and took lots of measurements. The measurements put the baby at 13 wks 2 dys, and I'm 13 wks 3 dys, so that's good. The placenta is posterior and high. Baby's HB was 150 again. The dr said she suggested another level 2 u/s after 22 wks to check the baby's heart. She could see that it had 4 chambers, but because the baby is still so little, it was hard to see much else with the heart. As far as she could tell, everything looks great! Baby had his/her legs stretched out much of the time as well as having hands up by his/her face.

And the machine was a 3D u/s, so I got some really neat 3D pics as well as 2D ones.

Perceptivity

The Fleet Farm Toy catalog recently arrived in the mail. The kids have been drooling over it and circling almost everything in it and telling us all the things they want.

Last night at the supper table as they were discussing this yet again, E said that she thought Josh and I had a secret we were waiting til Christmas to tell. She said, "I think Mama has a baby in her tummy." When we asked why she thought that, she replied, "Because Mama has been going to see Liz alot, and her tummy is getting bigger, and I've got 4 other brothers and sisters, so I know about it. And I think when ladies have babies in their tummies they have an ultrasound like once a week when they get bigger." LOL

Well, I've only actually had 1 appt with Liz, but I was having all that bloodwork done before knowing I was pg and then the bloodwork after finding out I was pg, and I had a u/s already. I explained that sometimes women go to see a mw even when they don't have a baby in their tummy and that you can have a u/s on other parts of your body, too.

I'm not wearing maternity clothes yet, but I have switched to my next bigger size pants. I suppose it's nice to know she doesn't just think I'm getting fat! :)

I think we're planning on telling people after my u/s next week. I guess Josh and I weren't being a subtle as we thought we were! Who knew a 9YO could be so perceptive?!

Bathroom Humor

You have to admit there's a certain amount of humor in the situation when you're puking in the toilet and your 4YO asks, "Mama, are you 'throw-upping'?" and your 2 YO is standing next to the toilet with you coughing and spitting into it.

Growing

I am definitely losing my waist. Josh says he can really tell I'm pg, but I think I'm just in that stage where I look like I'm gaining weight.

Dearest Grace

One year ago today we said hello to you, although it was also goodbye as you were already gone. We held you and loved you, sang to you, talked to you, and kissed you. We knew that it was only your body we held, that your soul was already in its eternal home, but we were able to show our love to you in death in ways that we weren't able to while you were alive.

It seems a bit odd to call this your birthday, but it was indeed the day you were born. It just happens that the date of your death preceded the date of your birth.

My arms and heart still ache to hold you, little one. I love you so much! I think about you everyday. Although the pain of losing you has dulled a bit with time, some days it is still as raw and piercing as a year ago.

And today I find comfort again in my Lord who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He loves me unceasingly and blesses me unendingly.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:4-6

First MW Appt

Basic stuf, but goo to see Liz again. We went through all the medical history questions. Didn't have to do the bloodwork since I had all that done when I had my HCG and thyroid levels done earlier.

Best part is that I got to hear baby's HB ... 164, so that was reassuring. I still get so scared about not hearing it, but it was there. TY, God.

Next up ... I have a level 2 u/s scheduled for Oct. 22nd.

7 Week Ultrasound

My u/s was at the hospital, and I had the same u/s tech that I had for the 2 u/s's I had when we found out Grace had died. She remembered me and was so nice.

First she used the abdominal u/s and took some pics but not really of the baby. We saw the gestational sac, but I was getting worried because I couldn't see that little flutter. She really zoomed in and there it was. I was SO relieved I started crying!

Then she used the vaginal u/s to get some better pics and zoomed in and took some measurements. She checked baby's HB twice, and both times it was 150. There really wasn't much to see other than a fuzzy white blob with a flutter in the middle that was the baby and the yolk sace next to it. All the measurements she took were right on with my due date and number of weeks I should be, so that's good.

I was so relieved at the u/s, but I keep getting scared. Maybe I just need to walk around with a u/s permanently attached for the next 8 mo so that I can keep checking that the baby's doing well. :)

BFP

I got an immediate + tonight on a pg test at 14 DPO! :) Baby is due 4/26/09. Thank you, God, thank you! Please keep this baby in your tender care. May it grow strong, normally, and healthy and be delivered safely and alive at term. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Crooked Paths and Sweet Peace

I found these poems today. The same person posted them, but each was at a different blog. The first was posted at Hannah's Prayer; the second was at More Love To Thee. They both really spoke to me.

It puzzles me; but, Lord, Thou understandest,
And wilt one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that it has worked out Thy best--
Its very crookedness taught me to cling.

Thou hast fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wand'ring eyes fixed on Thee,
To make me what I was not: humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love, to Thee.

So I will thank and praise Thee for this puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing Thou dost hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Thy guiding hand.

--F.E.M.I., from Streams in the Desert


There is a peace that cometh after sorrow,
Of hope surrendered, not of hope fulfilled;
A peace that looketh not upon tomorrow,
But calmly on a tempest that it stilled.
A peace that lives not now in joy's excesses,
Nor in the happy life of love secure;
But in the unerring strength the heart possesses,
Of conflicts won while learning to endure.
A peace there is, in sacrifice secluded,
A life subdued, from will and passion free;
'Tis not the peace that over Eden brooded,
But that which triumphed in Gethsemane.

--Anonymous, from Streams in the Desert


Sometimes I feel like a beligerent child, kicking and screaming, trying to break free of God's firm grasp as he leads me down a crooked path. I know God's grasp and reasons are loving, but I don't want to go the way he is taking me. And yet, in the end, I do praise him. I may have started out doing so through tears and clenched teeth, but slowly the tears abate, my jaw loosens, the praises flow more freely through my lips, and I glimpse the peace that follows the storm.

Grace's Tree

Here are some pictures I took of Grace's tree now that it's got some leaves.

Taken facing north


Facing east southeast


A close-up of the fan-shaped leaves. Aren't they pretty?

Sleeping

Yesterday Josh and the kids took down the crib and put up a twin bed for S to sleep in. Seeing the crib taken apart and ready to be taken out to the garage was a bit difficult. I couldn't help thinking that the crib wasn't supposed to be taken down at this point. There was supposed to be another little baby sleeping in it by now. But then I think that it really wasn't "supposed" to be that way at all. In our minds, yes, but God knew beforehand that Grace wouldn't be sleeping in that crib. Though it hurts, yet I trust in God's omniscience. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Engraving

F, S, and I ran errands yesterday morning after M left. I picked up my footprints ring from the jeweler. I'd had it engraved to say GRACE 10-5-07.

Grace's Tree

Yesterday and today were beautiful spring days. Temps yesterday were in the mid 60's, and today it hit 72, but it was really windy both days.

Josh and I decided a few months a go that we wanted to get a male ginkgo tree as Grace's memorial tree. They are slow-growing, but they have neat fan-shaped leaves, and the trees can live hundreds (even thousands!) of years. Ginkgo trees are also unique because there are both male and female trees (but you don't want to get a female tree because the fruit has an awful smell). I'd called a local nursery on Monday to see if they had any, and they did, so when Josh came home from school yesterday we all went to the nursery to buy it.

Josh came home from school a little earlier than usual today. I showed him where I wanted to plant the tree in the front yard, and he dug a big hole for it. I think all of the kids took turns helping dig, too. After supper, once the tree was in the hole, I poured Grace's ashes around the tree. Then we all helped fill in the hole with the rest of the dirt.

Right now I don't have a working camera, and the tree is still dormant. I do plan to take a picture of it once it leafs out.

It's Here

My footprints ring arrived via UPS while we were gone. I'd been tracking it before we left and saw it would arrive while we were gone on our vacation to AR, so I'd asked our neighbor to get the package for us so that it wouldn't blow away or get lost. She did, and I got it from her tonight. I really like the ring, and I think it looks prettier than the pictures of I'd seen online.

Ring

Shortly after Grace's death a dear friend sent me a beautiful stainless steel chain with a heart pendant on it. The front of the heart says "The Heart Remembers". On the back my friend had Grace's name and birthday engraved. I love the necklace. The chain is nice and sturdy, and I don't have to worry about it tarnishing or changing my skin colors as it's stainless steel. I've worn the necklace almost constantly since receiving it.

Before getting the necklace I thought about getting a ring to wear in Grace's memory. I looked at lots of different sites and at many different kinds of "memorial jewelry". I wanted something to wear in Grace's memory but not something that would be an obvious sign of loss to anyone who saw it. I have other "mother's jewelry" with my living children's names or birthstones, and I wanted something for my daughter who is no longer with us. I knew I wanted the jewelry in yellow gold. I thought about getting a ring with her birthstone or just getting a plain band and having her name engraved on the inside. Then I came across one that seems to fit what I want perfectly. It's 10kt gold. I just ordered it tonight off ebay. (I had to get my finger sized at the store first to know what size to order. Even though I ordered mine off ebay, you can get the same ring HERE.)

The ring is actually based on the Footprints poem by Mary Stevenson. I found a couple different versions of this ring, some of them with the words "It was then that I carried you" engraved on the inside.

When I saw the ring, that poem wasn't what I thought of. The tiny footprints reminded me of Grace's tiny footprints. I ordered the version of the ring without engraving on the inside because I want to take it to a jeweler and have Grace's name and birthdate engraved on the inside.

Gift of Remembrance

SS gave us a card and the Willow Tree “Remember” figurine from their family when she picked up M yesterday morning. She knew it was Grace’s due date and wanted us to know that we were in their thoughts and prayers.

What Might Have Been

Today is my due date, but I'm not pg. Today is the day Grace was due, a day we excitedly anticipated. Yet here I sit, filled with sadness, my heart breaking once again, missing our daughter whom we didn't get to know.

Would she have had blonde hair or dark? What color would her eyes have turned? Would Grace have liked princesses and ponies like her older sisters? Would she have been musical? What career would she have chosen? Would she have married and had babies of her own?

She had a sweet little mouth that was downturned at the corners like most of her siblings and me that we never got to see turn up into a smile. I thought she looked a bit like G.

Most likely she would have faced health and medical obstacles due to the physical problems she had which were discovered after her death. How would they have affected her? How would they have affected us and our family?

For us, Grace's death was not only the death of our child, but the death of our hopes and dreams for her. Yet "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) It is to this I cling as I pray for comfort, remember, and mourn.

Amazing Grace

I love this version of Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.