Bittersweet Thanksgiving

I am so thankful to God for all of the wonderful blessings he had given me. But this Thanksgiving is also bittersweet, as it is also Hannah's first birthday.

One year ago today my healing yet scarred heart was torn apart again as I learned another of our babies had died before birth. So much of the day was deja vu of what had happened just over a year earlier.

I don't want to dwell on the sadness and heartache, but I can't help remembering. And while I remember, I give thanks to the Lord that he did bless us with these two little girls who, while they were alive, I was able to cradle in my womb. I thank him that I was able to hold them in my arms, even though it was only their earthly bodies. I can no longer touch them, hold them, kiss them, but my love for them is still just as strong as if I could.

Remembering

Today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I am remembering those babies who died before birth or while still infants. You are still loved and not forgotten, Grace, Hannah, Annie, Samuel, Zoe, Rain, Chloe, Caden, Abigail, Lalah, Charis, Ethan, Heidi, Gracie, Josiah, Ephraim, and other beloved nameless little ones.

Two Years

Two years ago today was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life.

My midwife, the most wonderful midwife in the whole world, gave us this Precious Moment figurine in Grace's memory. Grace's name and birthdate are written on the bottom. (She gave us a matching one with Hannah's name and birthdate on the bottom, too.)

I miss you everyday, but I'm especially missing you today on your 2nd birthday, dear daughter.

Another Fall

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiates 3:1 & 4

The leaves are turning. The nights are cool, perfect sleeping-weather. But I'm not ready for summer to be over yet.

My feelings aren't really about wanting warmer weather to stay. Both Grace and Hannah were born in the fall. It seems my mind is subconsiously trying to deny fall's imminence because the last two autumns have held such sadness. I know the season had nothing to do with the girls' deaths, but they are linked in my mind. I think my subconscious denial of fall is my brain's way of trying to shield me from pain, even if it doesn't make logical sense.

Grace and Hannah have been in my thoughts even more than usual the past couple of weeks. My emotions in regard to them are nearer to the surface again. I know it's because their birthdays are approaching. In a way, I just want to get past the dates so that I don't have to keep thinking that their birthdays are coming up.

I love my baby girls. I want to remember them, and I know I will never forget them, but I don't want to feel the sorrow and pain so acutely.

Rest In Peace

Today we buried Hannah's ashes under the gingko tree we planted in memory of Grace and her.

There's no special reason that we did it today. Originally we had to wait til the weather warmed up in order to dig up the ground. Then it seemed we'd only remember to do it at times that didn't work. Both of our baby girls' remains are now laid to rest in the same place.

But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Isaiah 26:19

Wondering

I know a number of people who are due and having babies this month and in the near future. I rejoice with these friends, yet, at the same time, this happy news hits me especially hard. Is it because Hannah's due date is so close? I keep thinking that, had things turned out differently, Hannah could have been born by this Easter.

Will I always cry when I learn of another's pregnancy? Will the tears always fall when a friend or relative is blessed with a new child? Will I always feel this painful searing when I see a friend's child who was born when my girls were due and think of how old Grace or Hannah would have been and what they might have been doing?

Will I always feel sick to my stomach when I hear of aborted babies the same gestational age as my daughters, able to picture the size and physical maturity of these little souls? I've always been horrified by abortion and known it was wrong, but now I see the faces of my baby girls when I hear of it.

Will my heart always be ripped apart when I hear news stories of abandoned, unwanted babies?

How long will it be until I can drive past the hospital where Grace and Hannah were born and not have a physical reaction to being near it? Unbidden tears, fast beating heart, difficulty breathing ...

How long, oh, Lord? Please grant me peace.

The First Due Date That Wasn't

Remembering Grace on the 1 yr anniversary of her due date. Rest in peace, sweet one. I love you and always will.

Edited to add:
SS and her kids stopped by today just before lunch to bring me a card and some beautiful pink roses. I invited them to stay for lunch, which they did, before they headed back home.

Two of Us in Heaven

Josh used a laser engraver and made this beautiful etching for me for Christmas.

I had to take the picture looking down at it to avoid getting a reflection in the glass. The glass is a 9x16" rectangle.

Josh used E, F, and himself as models by using a digital camera to take pics. Then he converted the pics to the "sketch" style and had the engraver etch the glass.

The writing on the top of the wood holding up the glass has the title of the piece, Two of Us in Heaven. Underneath the title it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:1

On the bottom of the wood, Josh engraved the following:

This image was created in loving memory of my two stillborn daughters, Grace Eleanor [last name] (10/5/07) and Hannah Meredith [last name] (11/26/08), for my wife, Melanie. The inspiration for this image came from my daughter E, who, shortly after Hannah's birth, told us that she thought Grace would be welcoming Hannah into Heaven, where the two of them would be waiting for us. The image is meant to depict little Hannah, timidly approaching a welcoming Jesus, while her older sister, Grace, offers her a hand, encouraging Hannah to come meet Jesus, her Savior that she has already had the chance to meet. The title of the image, "Two of Us in Heaven", comes from a short song that E made up after Hannah's birth. It is my prayer that this image offers hope, encouragement and joy (though it may be mixed with earthly sorrow) to everyone who sees it.

- Joshua [middle initial, last name] 12/24/08

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. - Job 1:21

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? - Job 11:7

I cried and cried when I opened it. It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! What a wonderful, loving husband God has blessed me with!

Re-engraved Ring

Today I picked up my footprints ring from the jewelry store.

I knew that they might have problems with the maker's marks being in the way when they tried to add more engraving. When I dropped it off, I assured them that they could put the engraving over the stamped marks in the ring.

When I picked it up today, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the jeweler had buffed out the imprints on the inside of the ring so that now all that's in there is Grace's and Hannah's names and birthdates. It turned out beautifully!

Waiting with Deep Thoughts

We're still waiting for answers on Hannah's surgical exam.

I don't know if I want Hannah's exam and the blood work I'm going to have done find something or not. I feel broken; do I want tests to confirm that? If the tests come back with something that can be taken care of, do we want to try for a baby again? Hannah's pg was hard emotionally because of losing Grace; could I handle another one emotionally? And if we'd decide not to try again or if we can't, am I ready for that? It's so hard to think that we might not have another baby here on earth to love, that I might not be pg again. I don't love being pg, but the thought of not going through it one more time ... At the same time that I'm mourning Hannah's death, I'm mourning the thought that my childbearing years might be over. I just don't know, and I suppose I'm jumping the gun since we still don't have any results back and haven't even had the blood work yet. It's just weighing heavily on me.

Looking for Answers

The funeral home called today. We can't get up there today or tomorrow, especially since they close at 5:00 and have a few funerals tomorrow afternoon, and I'll have EZ then. (I said I was willing to care for him this week.) Josh and I plan to go on Wednesday after lunch to meet with the funeral director. I just want to get it done with, but we can't make it til then.

Many people have asked if we have been given any reason as to why Hannah died. As I mentioned in her birth story, there were no obvious signs at her birth to indicate why she died. The level 2 ultrasound I had done at 13 wks didn't show any problems at all.

We are having a surgical exam done on Hannah as we did with Grace. Whether or not that gives us any answers, I will also most likely have some bloodwork done after 6 wks postpartum to check for things I might have developed (like a clotting disorder or some types of infections) which may have led to losing Hannah. Liz has talked to the drs she works with and come up with a list of things for which to test.

Revised Blog Purpose

Josh and the kids brought me home from the hospital today. I am quite sore but doing okay.

I am in the process of editing this blog to include Hannah's story as well as Grace's. Some of Hannah's posts will be interspersed with Grace's as they are arranged chronologically according to posting dates, and I'm taking some of them from our family blog. If you want to be sure to read all of Hannah's entries, you can click on Hannah in the sidebar on the right under "Post Categories".

Please note that if you choose to leave comments, they are moderated, so you do not need to post again when your comment doesn't show up immediately.

Maybe it seems odd that I am doing this so soon, but it helps me to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings and process what happened in this way. I also feel it's a way for me to show my love for my daughters by acknowledging their short lives.

Hospital Update

Got to the hospital around 7:00 last night. Was given cytotec throughout the night and thankfully was able to sleep some.

Hannah Meredith was born a little after noon today.

Through her sadness, E observed, "Atleast Hannah gets to know one of her siblings since Grace is with her."

I plan to come home tomorrow.

Anxiety

I'm just over 16 wks into this pg, and I'm having a difficult time this week. Although we didn't discover Grace had died til I was 20 wks along, it was determined that she had died around 16 1/2 wks. I'm so scared, anxious, and emotional right now.

I keep thinking about how this baby is the same size as Grace. I can picture what this baby looks like since I held Grace in my arms.

I think I've felt movement, but nothing definite yet, so I don't have that reassurance. I'm still getting by wearing my next-size-up regular clothes, not maternity clothes yet. I suppose I should be happy about that, but I never got into maternity clothes with Grace and I wasn't worried at the time because I figured I'd get big enough in time. Now I'm scared I won't get into maternity clothes again.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those at-home doppler machines so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat and be reassured, but I'd probably end up scaring myself instead when I couldn't find a heartbeat that's really there.

I wish I had another appt with Liz really soon, but I think my next one is the week of Thanksgiving.

I don't want to be on pins and needles this whole pg. I want to enjoy it, but it's so hard! Doubts and fears keep worming their way in.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Oh, God, I'm trying! Please help me!

Dearest Grace

One year ago today we said hello to you, although it was also goodbye as you were already gone. We held you and loved you, sang to you, talked to you, and kissed you. We knew that it was only your body we held, that your soul was already in its eternal home, but we were able to show our love to you in death in ways that we weren't able to while you were alive.

It seems a bit odd to call this your birthday, but it was indeed the day you were born. It just happens that the date of your death preceded the date of your birth.

My arms and heart still ache to hold you, little one. I love you so much! I think about you everyday. Although the pain of losing you has dulled a bit with time, some days it is still as raw and piercing as a year ago.

And today I find comfort again in my Lord who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He loves me unceasingly and blesses me unendingly.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:4-6

Grace's Tree

Here are some pictures I took of Grace's tree now that it's got some leaves.

Taken facing north


Facing east southeast


A close-up of the fan-shaped leaves. Aren't they pretty?

Sleeping

Yesterday Josh and the kids took down the crib and put up a twin bed for S to sleep in. Seeing the crib taken apart and ready to be taken out to the garage was a bit difficult. I couldn't help thinking that the crib wasn't supposed to be taken down at this point. There was supposed to be another little baby sleeping in it by now. But then I think that it really wasn't "supposed" to be that way at all. In our minds, yes, but God knew beforehand that Grace wouldn't be sleeping in that crib. Though it hurts, yet I trust in God's omniscience. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Engraving

F, S, and I ran errands yesterday morning after M left. I picked up my footprints ring from the jeweler. I'd had it engraved to say GRACE 10-5-07.

Grace's Tree

Yesterday and today were beautiful spring days. Temps yesterday were in the mid 60's, and today it hit 72, but it was really windy both days.

Josh and I decided a few months a go that we wanted to get a male ginkgo tree as Grace's memorial tree. They are slow-growing, but they have neat fan-shaped leaves, and the trees can live hundreds (even thousands!) of years. Ginkgo trees are also unique because there are both male and female trees (but you don't want to get a female tree because the fruit has an awful smell). I'd called a local nursery on Monday to see if they had any, and they did, so when Josh came home from school yesterday we all went to the nursery to buy it.

Josh came home from school a little earlier than usual today. I showed him where I wanted to plant the tree in the front yard, and he dug a big hole for it. I think all of the kids took turns helping dig, too. After supper, once the tree was in the hole, I poured Grace's ashes around the tree. Then we all helped fill in the hole with the rest of the dirt.

Right now I don't have a working camera, and the tree is still dormant. I do plan to take a picture of it once it leafs out.

Ring

Shortly after Grace's death a dear friend sent me a beautiful stainless steel chain with a heart pendant on it. The front of the heart says "The Heart Remembers". On the back my friend had Grace's name and birthday engraved. I love the necklace. The chain is nice and sturdy, and I don't have to worry about it tarnishing or changing my skin colors as it's stainless steel. I've worn the necklace almost constantly since receiving it.

Before getting the necklace I thought about getting a ring to wear in Grace's memory. I looked at lots of different sites and at many different kinds of "memorial jewelry". I wanted something to wear in Grace's memory but not something that would be an obvious sign of loss to anyone who saw it. I have other "mother's jewelry" with my living children's names or birthstones, and I wanted something for my daughter who is no longer with us. I knew I wanted the jewelry in yellow gold. I thought about getting a ring with her birthstone or just getting a plain band and having her name engraved on the inside. Then I came across one that seems to fit what I want perfectly. It's 10kt gold. I just ordered it tonight off ebay. (I had to get my finger sized at the store first to know what size to order. Even though I ordered mine off ebay, you can get the same ring HERE.)

The ring is actually based on the Footprints poem by Mary Stevenson. I found a couple different versions of this ring, some of them with the words "It was then that I carried you" engraved on the inside.

When I saw the ring, that poem wasn't what I thought of. The tiny footprints reminded me of Grace's tiny footprints. I ordered the version of the ring without engraving on the inside because I want to take it to a jeweler and have Grace's name and birthdate engraved on the inside.