More Test Results

On Thursday I finally heard back from my mw Liz. All of the blood work I had done for clotting disorders came back normal except that they discovered I carry one copy of the C677T mutation for MTHRF. However, this is not uncommon. Two copies of the mutation could lead to miscarriage and stillbirth, but the mother having only one copy of it is not associated with any increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. So it doesn't seem that any clotting disorders contributed to Grace's or Hannah's deaths.

Where do we go from here? Liz said if we wanted, the next step would be to talk to a genetic counselor. Neither Josh nor I are inclined to go that route as we both feel that from here on out, definitive answers will be elusive.

Endocrinology Test Results

Yesterday I had my follow up appt with the endocrinologist, Dr. L. All of the bloodwork she did came back normal. No elevated thyroid antibodies. No high androgen or testosterone levels. Good lipid panel, HDL, LDL, glucose, and progesterone levels. No hypothyroidism. Dr. L did, however, say that, while my androgen and testosterone levels were normal, I did meet the criteria for PCOS based on other "soft markers" that I have.

We discussed treatment for my mild PCOS with metformin (glucophage) as many women with PCOS are insulin resistant or insulin sensitive and you can't really test for it without doing clinical trials because your glucose levels can still test normal for a while. Dr. L also mentioned how the ovaries are very sensitive to insulin levels. I asked her if my not being on metformin during my pgs could account for the losses, and she said usually pg losses due to PCOS occur much earlier in the pg.

We talked about 3 different scenarios regarding taking metformin:

1. If she was me and wanted to get pg again, she'd take the metformin to give the baby every chance of doing well.

2. I could take the metformin even if I wasn't planning to get pg again. It may help with some of those "soft markers" I deal with.

3. I could opt not to take the metformin if not planning to get pg again. Since the PCOS issues I deal with aren't severe, this would be okay if they don't bother me much. She suggested that if I do this, I should get my glucose levels tested once a year.

Dr. L said that taking or not taking the metformin was up to me since my PCOS and symptoms are fairly mild and that she would support me whatever I choose to do.

At one point in our discussion, I started crying. I couldn't help it. The news she was telling me wasn't bad. However, it seemed to say that we still didn't have any real answers as to why our little girls (especially Hannah) died. I just want answers. I want to know why.

On the drive to my appt I was praying, but I didn't know exactly what to pray for. It's not that I want something to be wrong with me, but if there was something like these things Dr. L tested for, it would be a probable answer. I was almost positive I'd be diagnosed with hypothyroidism since so many of the symptoms fit me, but my blood work levels discounted that. I want to have the "assurance" that if I would get pg again I could take medication or do something else that would put the odds of giving birth to a healthy, living baby overwhelmingly in my favor. Instead, I still feel that it's all an unknown and I don't have anymore "assurance" than before since it seems we still don't know what went wrong in the first place.

I'm still waiting to hear from my mw on the results of all that blood work she did testing for clotting disorders. I'm a bit surprised I haven't heard back from her yet as she's usually really good about getting back to me. I called her on Monday and left a message. I know she's out of the office today, but if I don't hear back from her by tomorrow morning, I'm going to call her again.

I have a feeling the results of the blood work she ordered will come back normal, too.

My Medical Update

I had my appt with the endocrinologist today. She ended up doing a u/s on my thyroid. It's about 1 1/2 times the size it should be. Except for a few tiny cysts, it looks good which leads her to believe that my thyroid antibodies are elevated and that's what's making my thyroid larger. Elevated thyroid antibody levels occur before your other thyroid levels rise which may be why the thyroid test I had at the beginning of this last pg came back normal. Elevated thyroid antibody levels could possibly cause m/c. She also seems to suspect PCOS (which she said can also lead to m/c) and sent me to have bloodwork done to check my hormone levels for that as well as the thyroid levels. I have to make an appt with her in a couple of weeks to talk with her about the results of the bloodwork and where to go from there, depending on the results.

On Thursday I have my 6 wk PP check-up with my mw. She told me at my 2 wk PP check-up that she'll have my bloodwork to test for clotting disorders done at this next appt, too.

So, we still don't know anything definite, but may be getting closer to some answers.

I've been reading the book of Job lately along with a commentary on it. I don't rejoice in Job's suffering, and I know he had things much worse than I do, but it's comforting to know that his suffering wasn't a punishment and that even when things go badly, God is still in control and he has a reason for those things.

Answers But No Answers

I had my 2 wk postpartum appt with Liz today. She had the results from Hannah's surgical exam. Hannah had no physical abnormalities and was the size of a 14 wk unborn baby. Although that doesn't totally rule out chromosomal problems (We didn't have any genetic testing done.), it does make me feel better that she doesn't seem to have had the same issues Grace did. However, that still means that we don't have any answers as to why she died.

Next time I see Liz, at my 6 wk postpartum visit, I'm scheduled to have the blood work done to look for medical issues I might have, including PCOS, which she suspects I also have (even though that wouldn't have contributed to the girls' deaths*). She also gave me the name of and referral to an endocrinologist who focuses on thyroid and menstrual issues and PCOS. I plan to make an appt soon.

* I have since learned that PCOS can lead to miscarriage. -- Note added 12/17/08

Waiting with Deep Thoughts

We're still waiting for answers on Hannah's surgical exam.

I don't know if I want Hannah's exam and the blood work I'm going to have done find something or not. I feel broken; do I want tests to confirm that? If the tests come back with something that can be taken care of, do we want to try for a baby again? Hannah's pg was hard emotionally because of losing Grace; could I handle another one emotionally? And if we'd decide not to try again or if we can't, am I ready for that? It's so hard to think that we might not have another baby here on earth to love, that I might not be pg again. I don't love being pg, but the thought of not going through it one more time ... At the same time that I'm mourning Hannah's death, I'm mourning the thought that my childbearing years might be over. I just don't know, and I suppose I'm jumping the gun since we still don't have any results back and haven't even had the blood work yet. It's just weighing heavily on me.

Looking for Answers

The funeral home called today. We can't get up there today or tomorrow, especially since they close at 5:00 and have a few funerals tomorrow afternoon, and I'll have EZ then. (I said I was willing to care for him this week.) Josh and I plan to go on Wednesday after lunch to meet with the funeral director. I just want to get it done with, but we can't make it til then.

Many people have asked if we have been given any reason as to why Hannah died. As I mentioned in her birth story, there were no obvious signs at her birth to indicate why she died. The level 2 ultrasound I had done at 13 wks didn't show any problems at all.

We are having a surgical exam done on Hannah as we did with Grace. Whether or not that gives us any answers, I will also most likely have some bloodwork done after 6 wks postpartum to check for things I might have developed (like a clotting disorder or some types of infections) which may have led to losing Hannah. Liz has talked to the drs she works with and come up with a list of things for which to test.

Hannah Meredith

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? Job 11:7

On Tuesday I had a routine prenatal appt with my midwife Liz, 18 wks into my pregnancy. Liz couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She tried to find it with the in-room u/s but couldn't, so she sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to do one. (It was the same tech who confirmed Grace's death.) The u/s's confirmed that once again, our baby had died.

Earlier that day my sister R stopped by our house to visit us on her way home from college to my parents' house. She was planning to stay for supper. After my appt she offered to stay and watch the kids as long as we needed.

Since we were heading to the hospital only a couple hours after finding out the baby had died, I didn't have time to sew a blanket as I'd done for Grace. I still wanted to wrap the baby in something from us rather than just the hospital's blanket, so I found a piece of green knit fabric (We still didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl.) which I knew wouldn't unravel and just cut a section of the fabric to take along.

Josh and I returned to the hospital that night around 7:00. I was given doses of cytotec throughout the night to induce labor. Thankfully I was able to sleep some that night, as was Josh.

Around 6:00 the next morning I was given my 4th dose of cytotec. After that the cramping and contractions picked up. I was getting pretty uncomfortable by 7:00, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me a walking epidural (intrathecal). That really helped. I could have gotten up and walked around, but I didn't want to since I was having a lot of bloody show.

Somewhere around this time, I felt something shift. When the nurse checked me, some of the bag of waters had come past my cervix, but I was still only about a 2. The baby was still up in my uterus.

Another 2-3 hours passed. The walking epidural was starting to wear off, so I asked for the anesthesiologist to come up again. This time he gave me a regular epidural.

Since Josh and I hadn't eaten a meal yet, we ordered some late breakfast around 10:30. When it got there, I tried to sit up in bed to eat, but I couldn't sit up on my own without pulling myself up with my arms grabbing onto something. I wasn't expecting it. I've had epidurals before, but maybe they just weren't as strong because I'd never had that feeling before. It really scared me, and then I felt like I was having trouble breathing. That scared me even more, and it almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

The anesthesiologist came back up and poked me with a tiny needle to see where I had feeling and assured me that the epidural was working the way it was supposed to and wasn't too high of a dose. That made me feel alot better, and I was able to relax. In fact, I could still move my left leg a bit, but my right leg was like lead. I couldn't do anything with it which actually brought a bit of levity to the situation as we laughed when the nurses wanted me to move or something, and I couldn't move that leg. I had to use my arm and move the leg, but then the leg fell right back down, so Josh and the nurses had to help me.

Liz wasn't able to be there on Wednesday, so the other mw, Jess, was. (Jess was there as the OB nurse with Liz when Grace was born.)

Around noon when Jess checked me, she decided to break my water since the bag was still there and bulging but it was hard to tell how far I was dilated, and I'd been that way for a while.

Not long after that, after only one push, Hannah Meredith was born at 12:07 pm on Wednesday, 11/26/08, exactly 5 months before her due date. There were no visible signs at her birth to indicate why she had died.

Once again, the placenta didn't want to come out. It was attached at the top of the fundus, and Jess and the nurse worked for a while to try and get it out. Finally Jess decided to get the dr on call to come and help. It happened to be Dr. D, the same dr who was on call last time and asked to do the same thing. This time, however, he seemed to do less manual manipulation and used the instruments a bit more, which, although uncomfortable, didn't seem as uncomfortable as before. Thankfully Dr. D was able to remove all the placenta and I didn't need a D&C.

I was given pitocin afterwards to help control the bleeding as well as 3 rounds of antibiotics as a precaution because of all the "work" Jess and Dr. D had to do to remove the placenta.

Hannah weighed 46 grams and was 5 1/4" long. She was smaller than Grace which makes me wonder exactly when she died. I'd thought for sure that I was feeling movement atleast up til Sunday. Was it all just in my mind? It really makes me question myself. I should know what baby movement feels like. It almost makes me feel sick that I thought I was feeling Hannah move and she might have already been dead. I can't dwell on it though and beat myself up over it.

Hannah had beautiful long fingers and a sweet little mouth that almost seemed to be smiling.

As much as it hurts to go through this a second time, we know that God is with us and will not forsake us. Although we cannot fathom his reasons in this, we trust in him, rest in the strength of his love, and cling to his promise that he works all for our good.

Hospital Update

Got to the hospital around 7:00 last night. Was given cytotec throughout the night and thankfully was able to sleep some.

Hannah Meredith was born a little after noon today.

Through her sadness, E observed, "Atleast Hannah gets to know one of her siblings since Grace is with her."

I plan to come home tomorrow.

Deja Vu

I had my 18 wk prenatal appt w/ my mw this afternoon. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried for quite a while, then tried on the in-room u/s, then sent me over to the hospital for the u/s tech to check. Still no HB.

This feels like deja vu. I can't believe it's happening again. I'm numb.

Josh and I are going to the hospital tonight for me to be induced. Please keep our family in your prayers.

14 Wk MW Appt

I had a regular appt with my midwife Liz today and got to hear baby's heartbeat again ... 155. My BP was 118/60, and I've gained 1 1/2 lbs since my first appt.

My appt today was also for a complete physical. When Liz checked my thyroid, she said it felt puffy. I asked if it could have anything to do with the fact that I'd been sick recently and was still coughing. She said it might, but if my thyroid was the same at my next appt in a month, she wants me to see an endocrinologist. I had a lot of bloodwork done before getting pregnant this time, including checking my thyroid levels, which came back fine. However, Liz said she still feels I should get it checked by an endocrinologist, but she said not to worry. We'll see what happens at my next prenatal appt.

We told the kids about the baby at supper tonight. Faith's preK class has a letter train they do where every day they focus on 2 letters of the alphabet and they get to bring in an item for each letter that starts with that letter. Tomorrow's letters are U and V. The older kids usually like to help think of what she could bring, so at the supper table we were discussing what Faith could take along. Finally I said, "I know what Faith can take for U. How about this?" and I pulled out one of my u/s pics from last week. The kids were very excited. Elizabeth said she knew it (She's been saying for the past couple weeks that she thinks I'm pg.). So, Faith is taking a copy of a u/s pic in to school for the letter U, and Elizabeth wants to take a copy of a u/s pic along to show her friends.

13 Wk Level 2 Ultrasound

My u/s went well. I was so scared, nervous, anxious, and all those other feelings. It doesn't help that I had a bad dream last night about the u/s. I know it was just a dream, but it didn't help.

The perinatologist checked out the baby's bladder, kidneys, neck, limbs, brain, heart, and took lots of measurements. The measurements put the baby at 13 wks 2 dys, and I'm 13 wks 3 dys, so that's good. The placenta is posterior and high. Baby's HB was 150 again. The dr said she suggested another level 2 u/s after 22 wks to check the baby's heart. She could see that it had 4 chambers, but because the baby is still so little, it was hard to see much else with the heart. As far as she could tell, everything looks great! Baby had his/her legs stretched out much of the time as well as having hands up by his/her face.

And the machine was a 3D u/s, so I got some really neat 3D pics as well as 2D ones.

First MW Appt

Basic stuf, but goo to see Liz again. We went through all the medical history questions. Didn't have to do the bloodwork since I had all that done when I had my HCG and thyroid levels done earlier.

Best part is that I got to hear baby's HB ... 164, so that was reassuring. I still get so scared about not hearing it, but it was there. TY, God.

Next up ... I have a level 2 u/s scheduled for Oct. 22nd.

7 Week Ultrasound

My u/s was at the hospital, and I had the same u/s tech that I had for the 2 u/s's I had when we found out Grace had died. She remembered me and was so nice.

First she used the abdominal u/s and took some pics but not really of the baby. We saw the gestational sac, but I was getting worried because I couldn't see that little flutter. She really zoomed in and there it was. I was SO relieved I started crying!

Then she used the vaginal u/s to get some better pics and zoomed in and took some measurements. She checked baby's HB twice, and both times it was 150. There really wasn't much to see other than a fuzzy white blob with a flutter in the middle that was the baby and the yolk sace next to it. All the measurements she took were right on with my due date and number of weeks I should be, so that's good.

I was so relieved at the u/s, but I keep getting scared. Maybe I just need to walk around with a u/s permanently attached for the next 8 mo so that I can keep checking that the baby's doing well. :)

Some Answers

Today I received a phone call from Liz. She'd called on Tuesday to see how I was doing, but I wasn't home, so she just left a message on our machine to say she was thinking of me and hoping I was doing okay. Her call today was for the same purpose, but she'd also received the pathology results from Grace's surgical exam (similar to an autopsy).

The doctor who did the exam found that Grace had no left kidney. She also had micrognathia, a small or underdeveloped jaw. Grace's left leg was "configured differently". The term Liz gave me was "talipes equinovarus" which I found is aka "clubfoot". [I did notice her one foot was turned in when she was born and even pointed it out to Josh but didn't think much of it as one of Gabe's feet looked like that at birth, too. (G didn't have clubfoot though because his tendons and muscles could be stretched so that his foot was turned correctly.)]

Grace also had an undeveloped and hypoplastic thymus or "thymic hypoplasia". I had a hard time finding any information online that talked just about this. Much of what I found associated it with DiGeorge Syndrome, a condition which can include heart defects and immune system problems among other things. Whether or not Grace had this syndrome, we don't know. Liz did say that the combination of all the things the doctor found lead her to believe that Grace probably had some sort of chromosomal problems or syndrome.

I asked Liz if any of these things would have showed up on any of the normal prenatal tests (which we decline) or on a routine u/s halfway through the pregnancy if Grace had been alive. Liz said the missing kidney would have been noticed on the u/s; the thymus problem wouldn't. The triple or quad screening might have raised some red flags. If Grace's issues were chromosomal, they would have shown up on an amniocentesis.

No matter what, Grace, we love you immeasurably and unconditionally, and you will always be in our hearts.

Answering Others' Questions

Many people have asked us various questions about Grace and things relating to the events of the past few days. I will do my best to answer them.

Grace had beautiful and perfectly formed tiny hands, fingers, knees, and toes. Her eyelids were still fused shut. Her nose didn't really protrude much yet. Her sweet little mouth turned down at the corners, just like some of our other kids' mouths. I think she looked a bit like G.

There was no obvious visible reason at birth to indicate why Grace died. Someone at the hospital is doing a "surgical examination" which is similar to an autopsy and can possibly determine if Grace had any heart, kidney, etc. anomalies. We've declined having any genetic testing done.

The kids' responses to Grace's death are very age appropriate. S obviously doesn't understand. F talks a little bit about Grace being dead. G asks some questions and then goes about whatever he was doing. J is one who has to process and think about things for a while. He asks questions and then needs to digest the answers. I think it all finally became real to him on Saturday, and he got a bit sad and teary and cried a little. Of all the kids, it has probably been hardest on E. She has such a tender, caring heart anyway. She wrote down some things she wanted to say to Grace and read them to her at the hospital. She's written a poem and drawn pictures of Grace. She asks lots of questions and has cried quite a bit. She's been making up songs about Grace, too. I think it's good that she's been expressing herself so much. We've told the kids it's okay to cry and be sad and okay not to cry, and we've told them they can always ask us questions or talk about Grace. We don't want them to feel they can't talk about what happened or hold it in, but sometimes it's really hard to listen to them. We don't discourage them though.

We are having a funeral with just our pastor, Josh, the kids, and me today at 5:00 at the funeral home. Grace will be in a closed casket. The funeral will basically just be a devotion, I think, probably lasting 10-15 minutes. We are going to stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, 1 from each of us (We're letting the kids chose whatever color they want Grace's rose from them to be.) to lay on the top of her casket. Then we decided to have Grace's remains cremated. We plan to buy a tree (We may have to wait til spring. I don't know if we can plant a tree now around here with the cold weather coming. There may not be enough time for the tree's roots to get established in the ground.) and plant the tree in our yard and bury Grace's ashes around the tree. Someone asked what if we move? I think I'd be okay with that. After all, it would only be Grace's earthly remains there. She really isn't there because her soul is in its eternal home.

Physically I'm doing very well. I was a little sore "down below" on Saturday, but it was from my midwife and the dr pushing against my bones there when they were trying to get the placenta out rather than the birthing process. My back was really, really sore due to the epidural. When the anethesiologist had put it in, he hit a vein first, so he had to redo the epidural. I think that's why my back was so sore. It's pretty much back to normal now.

Emotionally and spiritually I'm doing okay. I'm able to take care of the kids and things around the house. It helps to have the other children and "life" to take my mind off what has happened at times. I've cried and cried and cried some more. Sometimes my heart just aches so much to have Grace here, healthy and alive. Josh and I have talked alot to each other about these things. Sometimes I feel like I say the same things over and over. Sometimes I just need to say, "I just want to hold my baby. I miss my baby," and cry. I never saw Grace alive except for that very first u/s when she was, as I said at the time, "a fluttering fuzzy white spot", but I love her and miss her so much. Josh is so good about being there and listening and holding me and letting me cry. Through it all, my biggest comfort is that God, in his unfathomable wisdom, had a reason for this to happen. We may never know why, but we trust in God's wisdom and grace.

In the days between the time we learned Grace had died and when she was delivered, I had the refrains from the songs Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63 and Step By Step by Rich Mullins constantly going through my mind. I hadn't heard those songs for a long time, but in the midst of my sadness, I believe God chose to play these songs over and over in my head. They are upbeat songs of praise not sorrow, but they gave me alot of comfort, reaffirming that God is in control of all things and that in all things we praise him.

Blessed Be Your Name refrain
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Blessed be your glorious name.

Step By Step refrain
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
Oh God, You are my God,
And I will ever praise You.
I will seek You in the morning,
And I will learn to walk in Your ways,
And step by step You'll lead me,
And I will follow You all of my days.

U/S Results

According to yesterday's u/s, I don't have placenta previa. I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning.

Baby's age was determined to be 16 wks 4 dys. Baby should have been 20 wks 1 dy yesterday.

Today

Today I sewed a blanket for the baby. In talking with Liz yesterday, I realized that the baby will be too small for clothes, even preemie ones, and I want the baby to be wrapped in something from us. I don't know yet if I want the blanket back afterward or not. I can decide later.

The blanket is very simple. I took a piece of flannel fabric with pastel teddy bears on it and some other material that is pale pastel blue and sewed them together so that one side is the bears and the other side the blue. Then I sewed a heart into each of the 4 corners of the blanket.

Afterward I thought of how, in the old days, people used to sew death shrouds for their loved ones who had died. I could see it as an act of love.

I had the same u/s tech for today's u/s that I had yesterday. She was so kind and understanding. She asked me if I wanted a picture of the baby (which I had decided to ask for before going in). She gave me a picture of the baby's arm and hand and another of the baby's profile. I asked her if she could find out if it was a boy or girl. She said she'd try, but she couldn't get a good enough view to tell. We'll know soon enough.

In addition to checking the placenta's position, she took some measurements of the baby. Of the 4 measurements I saw, they came up as 15 wks, 16 wks, and 2 at 17 wks. I didn't see how many days each measurement was in addition to the weeks. She didn't tell me what she'd found with the placenta's position, but I saw her type "no placenta previa" on the screen, so I'm assuming things will progress on Friday morning much like Liz said when she talked to us yesterday. I will find out for sure tomorrow when I talk to Liz about the u/s results.

I also spent alot of time today on the phone making arrangements for the kids for Friday.

Heartbreak

I am copying and pasting this email that Josh sent to many of our friends and relatives yesterday.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." - Job 1:21

It is with a heavy heart that I share with you the news that the baby we expected to be born in February has died. At a routine check-up this afternoon, our midwife was unable to hear a heartbeat. Two ultrasounds confirmed that there was no heartbeat and no movement. At this point there is no indication as to what caused the death and Melanie is not experiencing any physical problems.

Melanie was half way through the pregnancy and so we are in a somewhat uncertain position - the death will probably be classified as a stillborn, but there is a possibility that they may call it a miscarriage. We also do not know the sex of the baby, both of those questions will have to wait until the baby is delivered. Again, because of the baby's age, Melanie will have to deliver the baby sometime in the next few days - we haven't decided when yet.

We shared the news with our kids this evening and their response was understandably proportional to their age. E cried quite a bit and F simply hugged Melanie and then asked her to read a book. Several of them asked the obvious question, "What happens to babies when they die before they are born?" We had the opportunity to share with them that although the Bible doesn't tell us what happens to babies that haven't been baptized, we trust in God's love and wisdom that He will do what He knows is best even though we may not know or understand what this is.

We thank you for the prayers that we know will be offered on our behalf. We place our trust in our God whose ways are beyond our understanding and whose love for us is larger than we can comprehend. We ask that He gives us the attitude of Job, recognizing that the LORD has given us all things, including our children for us to care for and it is the LORD who also decides when to take them away from us again at the time of His choosing. May the name of the LORD be praised.

I talked to Liz this morning. I am scheduled to go in and be induced Friday morning between 8:00-9:00 am. (We will be taking the older kids to school first, then heading to the hospital which is about 15 min from our house.)

After getting off the phone with Liz, I got a call from the dr she works with. The radiology dept called Dr. A with more detailed u/s results from yesterday since Liz has Wednesdays off. Dr. A said that it looks like the placenta is very near or covering the cervix. She said if the placenta is covering the cervix, that will make a difference in how I am delivered. I don't remember if she said it makes a difference if it is only near the cervix or not. I also don't know what difference it would make in my delivery (I didn't think to ask.), but they scheduled me for another u/s this afternoon at 3:00 so that they can look more closely at the placenta's position.

Dr. A is sharing the info with Liz, and Liz will call me tomorrow to let me know the results and more details.

20 Weeks

I had my 20 wk prenatal appt with Liz today. She couldn't find the baby's HB. She tried first with the doppler, then brought the bedside u/s into to try and find it. She still didn't see a HB, so she sent me to the u/s dept to get a u/s tech to do one with a better u/s. Still no HB. Our precious little baby has died. I'm being induced in the next couple of days.

I can't believe this is happening. I don't want this to be happening.

15 Week MW Appt

This afternoon I had an appt with my mw. Thankfully it was uneventful. BP was 118/60. I gained a couple of pounds. Baby's HB was 147.