Two of Us in Heaven

Josh used a laser engraver and made this beautiful etching for me for Christmas.

I had to take the picture looking down at it to avoid getting a reflection in the glass. The glass is a 9x16" rectangle.

Josh used E, F, and himself as models by using a digital camera to take pics. Then he converted the pics to the "sketch" style and had the engraver etch the glass.

The writing on the top of the wood holding up the glass has the title of the piece, Two of Us in Heaven. Underneath the title it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:1

On the bottom of the wood, Josh engraved the following:

This image was created in loving memory of my two stillborn daughters, Grace Eleanor [last name] (10/5/07) and Hannah Meredith [last name] (11/26/08), for my wife, Melanie. The inspiration for this image came from my daughter E, who, shortly after Hannah's birth, told us that she thought Grace would be welcoming Hannah into Heaven, where the two of them would be waiting for us. The image is meant to depict little Hannah, timidly approaching a welcoming Jesus, while her older sister, Grace, offers her a hand, encouraging Hannah to come meet Jesus, her Savior that she has already had the chance to meet. The title of the image, "Two of Us in Heaven", comes from a short song that E made up after Hannah's birth. It is my prayer that this image offers hope, encouragement and joy (though it may be mixed with earthly sorrow) to everyone who sees it.

- Joshua [middle initial, last name] 12/24/08

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. - Job 1:21

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? - Job 11:7

I cried and cried when I opened it. It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! What a wonderful, loving husband God has blessed me with!

Finding Peace

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep and my mind just kept going, not wanting to shut down, wrestling with my thoughts and feelings. In the midst of all the things swirling through my head, there emerged a sense of peace, that everything would be okay, that I would be okay. I'd known this in my head all along, but now I felt it in my heart. I know that feelings can be fickle, and my heart still hurts, but I thank God for giving me this sense of peace.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest of gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love. Psalm 107:13-15

Difficult Time

I'm just having a very difficult time emotionally lately. No, I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression and have been on meds for that for years. But I hurt! The past few days my tears have been just below the surface if not breaking through.

It's Christmastime, a time we celebrate our Savior's birth. My oldest child's birthday is in 2 days. My newest niece was just born yesterday. A friend just discovered she's pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and am so thankful to God for sending his son. I'm happy for my daughter as I see how excited she is about her upcoming birthday, and I thank God for blessing us with her. I rejoice with my family members and friends over a newborn baby and the discovery of new life.

... Yet at the same time I weep.

Why, God? I prayed for Hannah before she was conceived. I prayed for her daily, many times a day, since we learned of her existence ... that she would be born healthy and alive at term. Why, God? I feel like she was stolen from me, yet I know you only loaned her to us for a short time, but did it have to be for so short of a time? What are you trying to teach me, God? And why did you have to do it in this way? Please help me to learn what you want me to know and ease my pain.

Lonely, Empty

Lately I've been feeling lonely and empty. I think a good part of it has to do with the introspective thoughts I've been having, especially in regard to missing my babies and trying to figure out what the future holds for us. It's not that I feel lonely because I think no one else has experienced similar things. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's it ... that I'm alone in my head with my thoughts and feelings and am having trouble putting them into words.

I can tell that I've been looking to Josh to fill me up so that I don't feel this way, but then I realized that I can't go to him for that. God is the one I need to rely on to make me feel whole and full again. As much as my husband is my heart and my other half, it's not something he can do. There is only one who can, and it is to Him I must go.

Re-engraved Ring

Today I picked up my footprints ring from the jewelry store.

I knew that they might have problems with the maker's marks being in the way when they tried to add more engraving. When I dropped it off, I assured them that they could put the engraving over the stamped marks in the ring.

When I picked it up today, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the jeweler had buffed out the imprints on the inside of the ring so that now all that's in there is Grace's and Hannah's names and birthdates. It turned out beautifully!

Answers But No Answers

I had my 2 wk postpartum appt with Liz today. She had the results from Hannah's surgical exam. Hannah had no physical abnormalities and was the size of a 14 wk unborn baby. Although that doesn't totally rule out chromosomal problems (We didn't have any genetic testing done.), it does make me feel better that she doesn't seem to have had the same issues Grace did. However, that still means that we don't have any answers as to why she died.

Next time I see Liz, at my 6 wk postpartum visit, I'm scheduled to have the blood work done to look for medical issues I might have, including PCOS, which she suspects I also have (even though that wouldn't have contributed to the girls' deaths*). She also gave me the name of and referral to an endocrinologist who focuses on thyroid and menstrual issues and PCOS. I plan to make an appt soon.

* I have since learned that PCOS can lead to miscarriage. -- Note added 12/17/08

Waiting with Deep Thoughts

We're still waiting for answers on Hannah's surgical exam.

I don't know if I want Hannah's exam and the blood work I'm going to have done find something or not. I feel broken; do I want tests to confirm that? If the tests come back with something that can be taken care of, do we want to try for a baby again? Hannah's pg was hard emotionally because of losing Grace; could I handle another one emotionally? And if we'd decide not to try again or if we can't, am I ready for that? It's so hard to think that we might not have another baby here on earth to love, that I might not be pg again. I don't love being pg, but the thought of not going through it one more time ... At the same time that I'm mourning Hannah's death, I'm mourning the thought that my childbearing years might be over. I just don't know, and I suppose I'm jumping the gun since we still don't have any results back and haven't even had the blood work yet. It's just weighing heavily on me.

Clay for the Potter

Yesterday at church in Bible Class we talked about praying dangerously, asking God to put you in situations in which you can't but help share your faith. Why is this dangerous praying? Because so many of us are afraid or anxious about sharing our faith with others, nervous that we won't know what to say, will say the wrong thing, or will be mocked ... and, as was quoted in the Bible study, we know that if we pray for God to put us in such situations, he will answer our prayer.

I must shamefacedly admit that this is not a prayer I pray. Even with all the years of religious training I've had (religion classes in Christian elementary school and high school, 4 years of college studying to be a Christian school teacher which included many Bible history and doctrine classes), I'm still scared to witness my faith to others. I don't want anyone to spend eternity in hell, yet I'm afraid to tell them about Jesus and his saving love.

Yet in the past year, God has given me a multitude of opportunities to share my faith, especially in light of losing Grace and Hannah. Even though I haven't prayed for these chances to witness, he has provided them, although certainly not in ways I would have chosen. And, regardless of my weakness of faith, I can't help but share it with others when talking about my precious girls. Despite the shortcomings of my faith, my trust in God and his love is part of who I am.

God wants us to pray and share his Word. He tells us to. Yet even when we don't pray as we should, asking him to use us, he still shapes us to do his will.

We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

A friend shared this poem with me.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~author unkown~

Adding Engraving

Today I when out grocery shopping, I stopped at the jewelry store and dropped off my footprints ring to have engraving with Hannah's name and birthdate added to the inside.

Arrangements Made

E ended up staying home from school yesterday since she was sick the night before and had a slight fever in the morning. Consequently I didn't end up taking care of EZ during the day. E was doing better in the afternoon, so Josh, the kids, and I ended up going to the funeral home at 4:30 to fill out the paperwork and make the arrangements. All the kids were very quiet and well-behaved while we were there. The older 3 kids took their homework along to work on.

We are having Hannah's body cremated. Her funeral is at 5:00 on Friday evening. We've asked Pastor R to just do a devotion again, similar to last time. (How I hate the fact that I can say "last time".) We will just have her ashes put in a temporary urn again. Since that just looks like a small plastic box, the funeral director said they can put the urn into a casket for the funeral. Then we can take Hannah's ashes and the urn home with us when the funeral is over, and I won't have to go back to the funeral home again to pick them up.

We will stop at the store before the funeral and buy 7 roses, each of us picking out the color we want, to lay by Hannah's casket.

Josh and I have decided to bury Hannah's ashes in the ground around Grace's gingko tree which will then be in memory of both of them. We'll have to wait til spring to do it though. I really like the idea of both of their ashes being together even though it's only their earthly remains. It makes me think of them both being together in their eternal home.

Hidden Perfection

The past couple of days I've been thinking about the end of my What is Strength? post where I quoted 2 Samuel 22:33 which talks about God making our ways perfect, and I said mine didn't feel perfect now.

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize how even God's perfect plan of salvation didn't seem perfect to his people at the time. The Jews anticipated the Messiah would be an earthly king. Did Peter understand the full implications of what the church leaders were doing when they came to arrest Jesus and Peter cut off the servant's ear? And Mary ... as she stood at the foot of the cross, watching her beloved son die a torturous death at the hands of people who loathed him ... Did God's plan of salvation seem perfect to her then?

Simeon foretold that a sword would pierce her own soul, too (Luke 2:35). Pierce? Talk about an understatement! It was no pinprick! Rip, tear, shred, cleave, lacerate! God would make her way perfect through this?

And don't think for one minute that our Heavenly Father was immune to the pain either. This was his son, HIS OWN SINLESS SON he was allowing hateful, black-souled humans to murder. And why? To save filthy, wretched mankind from an eternity of damnation ... because he loves those same repulsively soiled people. This was the path to perfection?

Yes, it was!

Jesus' disciples and followers only had to wait 3 days before the perfection of the plan was revealed to them in Jesus' resurrection. Even then their earthly minds couldn't comprehend the full ramifications of what had happened. Neither will ours until we join our Savior one day in heavenly glory.

I don't know how God plans to make my way perfect through the recent events in my life. It's taking more than 3 days for him to show it to me. I am battered and bruised, and I cry out to him in my distress. Yet in the midst of my sorrow, I know he will make my way perfect.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

Looking for Answers

The funeral home called today. We can't get up there today or tomorrow, especially since they close at 5:00 and have a few funerals tomorrow afternoon, and I'll have EZ then. (I said I was willing to care for him this week.) Josh and I plan to go on Wednesday after lunch to meet with the funeral director. I just want to get it done with, but we can't make it til then.

Many people have asked if we have been given any reason as to why Hannah died. As I mentioned in her birth story, there were no obvious signs at her birth to indicate why she died. The level 2 ultrasound I had done at 13 wks didn't show any problems at all.

We are having a surgical exam done on Hannah as we did with Grace. Whether or not that gives us any answers, I will also most likely have some bloodwork done after 6 wks postpartum to check for things I might have developed (like a clotting disorder or some types of infections) which may have led to losing Hannah. Liz has talked to the drs she works with and come up with a list of things for which to test.